by Carol deLaski | Oct 14, 2015 | Change, Guest Blogging
Have you ever wondered how to be more resilient?
Is resilience something that people are born with or something that develops throughout a lifetime?
Many scientists believe the truth lies someplace in-between. For myself, resilience is something I have had for as long as I can remember, even as a child. I was born into a family that required me to be strong, persevere, and to move forward – if I hadn’t, I would not be where I am today.
When I was 21 years old, my life took an unexpected turn when I lost my beloved brother, John, to suicide. John was the one person I always said I could not live without. The thought of anything happening to him would bring me to tears. He was my best friend. John was the most loving, caring, warm, giving, selfless individual I have known. All he ever wanted was to find and give love – to make everyone else happy. I feel lucky to have had him as a brother, if only for 18 years.
It is hard for me to believe it has been nearly 14 years since I lost John. I thought my life would end with his death, but it didn’t. I am still living and he is still with me and guides me. As I look back over these years I see pain and loss…but I also see healing and hope. I know John is proud of me and although I do not “hear” his voice, I see signs showing me what I am supposed to be doing with my life. Signs that guided me to ultimately use the gifts God gave me as a child to make meaning out of John’s life and to help others.
From the time I was little I loved to write. In fact, I wanted to be a writer or a journalist when I grew up. I majored in Technical Writing as an undergraduate at James Madison University and considered getting my Master’s degree in Journalism. Ironically enough, that path wasn’t meant for me and after many career changes, I found myself as a consultant, specializing in training and development. However, I now see that I was given the gift to write in order to share my story… a story I never thought I would be blessed to share. A story of life, love, loss, and resilience.
After John’s death I looked for resources to help me deal with my grief and found few books that spoke to the sibling perspective of suicide loss. I wanted so desperately to be able to relate to someone, to understand what had happened to John. I knew immediately that I had to write a book to help fill the void and to make meaning out of John’s death. I had the outline for it within a year, but it took me ten years to complete it. I decided to self-publish so I could get my story out there as soon as I was ready. My goal has never been to make money – simply to help others. If even one person is helped by John’s story, then I believe his life was not in vain.
To me, this is resilience. Taking a tragedy, or any less-than-ideal circumstance, and making meaning out of it. Finding a purpose, or embracing a different direction – even when life takes you down a path you do not expect. Fortunately, my resilient nature helped me move forward in the face of adversity, however, there were times when I was faced with hurdles that took me down and challenged me to get back up again.
How can you cultivate your resilience?
- Be flexible. Life rarely goes as planned. The more you can embrace the twists and turns it throws at you, the more resilient you will become.
- Be positive. For almost every tragedy in life, there is something to be learned from it. By keeping a positive attitude, you will increase your propensity toward resilience.
- Be kind and gentle with yourself. It is okay to question your purpose, to doubt yourself, and even to give up for a little while, if that’s what you need to do. In the end, ask yourself this – is something bigger than you calling you to a greater cause? If the answer is yes, you won’t be able to walk away from your desires for long.
There is, and always will be, an irreplaceable emptiness where my brother once was. I think about the life he will not fulfill and selfishly, the life I have that he is no longer a part of. I know many survivors of suicide feel this way. Nevertheless, I am still grateful for the life I have and can live – not only for myself, but also for him. This is what keeps me going – what fuels my resilience.
Today’s author: Magdaline DeSousa is the author of The Forgotten Mourners: Sibling Survivors of Suicide, which is available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, or through Outskirts Press. She lives and works in the DC Metro area. Magdaline can be reached via email at [email protected] or on her Facebook Page: https://home/wholisu6/dev.wholisticwomanretreats.com.facebook.com/theforgottenmourners.
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by Carol deLaski | Jul 29, 2015 | Business, Guest Blogging
I excelled on the fast-track by constantly looking for ways to embrace and contribute to the bigger picture. Taking an interest in the bigger picture is what helps advance careers in any field, especially as an industry leader or entrepreneur.
Do you know what differentiates you as someone who truly excels among your colleagues? If you’re seeking to make an impact in your next role, or even in your current position – perform your job well, exude confidence and develop your personal brand as a leader.
Your personal brand is your unique promise of value. It separates you from your colleagues within your industry. Development of your personal brand is about understanding yourself and knowing what makes you unique and different.
Today, competition for top jobs has become more and more challenging. Therefore, distinguishing yourself and managing your brand is important for achieving your professional goals.
• Differentiate yourself from your peers – Find ways to confidently express your unique attributes while at work. This can be done by staying true to your authentic work style such as being organized, creative, innovative or confident when carrying out assignments.
For example, the Apple brand is known for innovation, therefore, resourceful employees at Apple find solutions to challenges by innovating their way out of predicaments.
• Create opportunities and get results – Try something new and expand your comfort zone. Rise to the challenge on a side project or new initiative and go above and beyond.
Rather than waiting for an opportunity to come to you, realize that it’s up to you to take action. Use networking within your organization to look for ways to work cross-functionally with other teams and identify new projects outside of your role that you might be interested in, and volunteer to take on that project as a way to stand out.
Discover problems in need of solutions that align with your expertise and be a brand builder who embodies your brand as an asset and investment in your future.
• Get noticed and be known for something specific – Use your skills, emotional intelligence, talent and energy to shine at work. Become your best advocate and know how you bring value to your company.
As a former human resource leader at Nordstrom, opportunities arose where there were two or more opposing views. My strength in negotiation would result in two (or more) parties satisfied with the outcome, which is not often easy to achieve. I became known for finding acceptable middle ground.
Be original, and play to your strengths. How well do you understand the differentiated value you deliver at work as your most powerful asset to serve others distinctively, stand out and excel professionally?
Written by Heather Nunley, Business Coach and Personal Brand Consultant at Brilliance Work Consulting. Heather can be reached via email at [email protected]
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by Carol deLaski | May 13, 2015 | Change, Guest Blogging
At Wholistic Woman Retreats, we believe that when women come together with the intention of supporting one another, amazing things can happen. With that thought in mind, we developed a membership program. The women who make up our membership are wise, compassionate, and courageous. Today we are sharing with you the words of our member, Lisa McFarland. We know you are going to love Lisa’s very personal blog on some of the insights she gained as the result of living through the death of her daughter, Alexis.
Lisa, thank you for sharing this with us! Your words are powerful and will undoubtedly touch the hearts of those who read this.
In talking with a friend, he shared how it has been challenging for him to engage in anything joyful since his daughter’s recent death. The pain of losing her has left his heart collapsed, full of empty space and nothing to fill it.
My friend and I share a common experience in that we both lost our little girls to rare diseases. The difference between us is that my daughter Alexis died several years ago, so I have been navigating my healing path for much longer than he has traveled his.
Loss of any kind and particularly loss of a loved one can create an agonizing and relentless emptiness that is inescapable. It can cause one’s heart to collapse, for lack of life and love. The heart is often considered to be the source of love. But when we lose someone who has been the seed of that love we are left with nothingness, apathy, despair. Hope withers. And the heart, though still beating, feels vacant.
While grieving, we wait, we cry, we pray, we work, we try to resume life in the most basic ways. We tell others we are fine. We go through the motions. “Time heals.” That’s what people tell us. But with the passage of time, the reality sets in that the void is relieved by nothing. We begin to ask ourselves: “How can I fill this void? Will I ever feel joy again? Will the pain ever stop?”
My experience regarding the void is that it cannot be filled. Because my love for Alexis was so much a part of me, her absence has left a space too vast to occupy with anything else.
However what I have found is that rather than focusing on the void, I have, over many years, been able to create life and love around the empty space. My heart’s dimensions have expanded as I have opened to latent interests, experiences, and the capacity for new love. This expansion process makes the void smaller and allows for fresh seeds of love to be planted. Apathy and despair get smaller, while hope and purpose can slowly begin to take root.
How do we expand our hearts? I believe this process manifests when we take one step at a time on our individual healing paths. These steps come in a multitude of forms, and since everyone is different, we are each drawn to, and can be healed by unique interests. There is no map, but getting started is the most important step. Here are some examples to consider:
1. Create New Experiences
Place yourself in a quiet space to brainstorm on new ways to experience life. Remember, the goal is not to forget the void but to expand life around it. Meditate on questions like:
- What hobbies or activities were on hold before this loss?
- What interests have spoken to me that until now I have not had time for?
- Where would I like to go that I have never been before?
If nothing comes to mind, try planning a short trip, even locally. You may want to visit a restaurant where you have never eaten, go shopping for a new outfit, or attend a concert.
2. Share
Generosity breeds abundance. When our hearts are collapsed, we feel we have nothing to share. But finding ways to do so can affirm our ability to contribute to the world, despite feeling deflated. Honor ideas that come to you about giving something to someone else by acting on them. Here are some examples:
- Volunteer a small amount of your time in a place that needs it
- Make someone a meal who can benefit from receiving it
- Contribute a donation to an organization that matters to you
- Open a door for someone when you enter or exit a building
- Send flowers to someone who has been supportive
- Reach out to someone where your sole purpose is to support them and attentively listen
3. Experience Nature
Take a walk outside. If a walk is too ambitious, just open a window. Listen to the sounds. Feel the air and its temperature. See if you detect a scent. Try to be reminded that we are all here in the world with purpose and possess natural instincts to lead us to that purpose. Study the trees as they are in a constant state of change. See if you can feel a connection to the natural order of life around us.
We all encounter loss. Death of a loved one may be the most profound and final loss we face. But loss can come in different forms such as a relationship ending, a job changing, a friend moving away, or the realization that something we are passionate about will not happen. These experiences can all evoke feelings of a collapsed heart.
It can be difficult at first, but as steps are taken on the healing path new dimensions are added to the collapsed heart, resuscitating our love for life, ourselves and others. Although there be no right way to “fill” the void, expanding our hearts can make that empty space feel smaller and bring us back to Joy.
I am grateful to share these thoughts and hope that they may reach someone who is in need of encouragement. I feel it an honor to be present to others who are struggling with the loss of a loved one, or who may be caring for someone with special needs. My 15 year old son lives with profoundly challenging intellectual, medical and physical demands and the experience of raising him has also provided me with a uniquely compassionate calling to be present to others.
Grieving the loss of a loved one, and/or supporting a loved one with special needs are both life scenarios that can create a sense of isolation and lack of understanding. I am inspired by my experiences to connect with others who may feel this “aloneness” and be present on their paths to healing. I can be reached at [email protected]. The photo I have included is symbolic of my own healing path, as it is a visible and daily reminder that there is always hope on the horizon.
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by Carol deLaski | Feb 25, 2015 | Guest Blogging, Laura Hall
Wholistic Woman Retreats (WWR) is a community of women who are interested in personal and professional growth. We believe that growth is best fostered in an environment where supporting one another and being committed to the practice of self care are the norms. This is what we stand for, and we attract women who understand this. The women who make up our membership are an amazing group, and we want to introduce them to you. With that goal in mind, today’s blog is based on an interview I had with WWR member, Beth Mende Conny. So let’s go…let’s meet Beth!
Beth became a WWR member in October of 2014. She is a writer and the president of Write Directions. When you think of Beth, think of books! As she told me, “I help people write and build their businesses through books. So many people have a book inside of them and it’s my joy to help them give it shape and substance.”
In talking with her, it was obvious how much pleasure she gets from helping people make their writing and book dreams come true. She offers classes, coaching and inspiration. If you’d like to know more about Beth’s business or have a writing project in mind, I encourage you to visit her website, WriteDirections.com. She offers a free 20-minute consultation.
The first WWR event Beth attended was our 2014 Be Strong retreat at ThorpeWood in Thurmont, MD. The experience was a wonderful one, she said, and led to her decision to become a WWR member. She sees it as a great way to create balance in her life.
When it comes to One Word, Beth enjoys the concept but has found it challenging. She jokes that being a writer makes choosing a single word difficult because she doesn’t want to exclude others, particularly over the course of an entire year. And so she has modified the One Word concept so that she can change her word as her situation and growth requires. When I interviewed her, her word was “Learn.” It is now “Clear.” Beth says “Clear” has several meanings for her: to clear clutter and negative thoughts from her life, to be clear in her intentions and to look at the world more clearly.
As a woman on the grow, Beth is experiencing growth in several areas. She is very excited about the growth she is noticing in her personal life. In Beth’s words, “I’m finding that I’m walking through family situations with greater ease and grace. There is something different in my energy; I feel more engaged.”
When asked about a piece of good advice that she has received along her life journey that she continues to use today, Beth talked about not fighting things but rather being in the moment and being with the experience. For her, it is about leaning in and seeing what happens. She has found that this has led to a gentle stretching of her own boundaries.
So, the next time you see Beth at one of our events, you will know a little more about her. I hope you will feel comfortable introducing yourself to her as I know she’d love to meet you too!
Come meet other women like Beth at our next retreat, Be Brave, being held March 13th and 14th in Frederick Maryland. For details about our next retreat, click here.
Beth was interviewed for this blog by Laura Hall. Laura Hall is an iPEC certified life coach whose business, Hall Coaching, was established in 2009 with the vision of waking women up from the nightmares of “How did I get here?” and, “Is this as good as it gets?”, so that they can begin creating and living the life of their real dreams, hopes and desires. She offers both one on one as well as group coaching services. She can be reached at [email protected] or check out her website at www.hallcoaching.com
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by Carol deLaski | Oct 15, 2014 | Guest Blogging, Personal Development
Do you ever find it difficult to return to everyday life after being away? Our guest blogger, Linda Brennan, shares how SCUBA lessons remind her to practice good self care when returning from a ‘deep’ experience.
Years ago I participated in a class to obtain a SCUBA certification. For those who are unfamiliar with SCUBA, it is actually an acronym for Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. I was very excited to have the opportunity to learn to use equipment that would allow me to stay underwater for extended periods of time to observe and swim among marine life. SCUBA diving also appealed greatly to my sense of adventure.
The class, however, proved to be quite challenging, both mentally and physically. We had to memorize formulas for the amounts of oxygen that would be used in our tanks dependent upon the depth and length of our dive, as well as learning how to put on all of our gear underwater. Our swimming ability and stamina was tested by retrieving bricks from the bottom of a pool, and we had to know how to equalize our ear pressure during a descent so that our eardrums wouldn’t rupture. But the one aspect of the aquatic SCUBA instruction that I find to be quite applicable to landlubber situations is the concept of a slow ascent back to the surface after a deep dive.
When staying underwater in greater depths for an extended period of time, a SCUBA diver has to breathe a gaseous mixture that contains nitrogen. The nitrogen gas needs to be released slowly from the divers’ bloodstream when they ascend to the surface. If the diver ascends too rapidly, the nitrogen can bubble out of the blood and cause a very painful and often fatal condition known as the ‘bends’. When this happens, the diver needs to get to the nearest decompression chamber in an effort to try to reverse the condition. Prevention of the bends, however, is simple and painless; the diver is required to ascend slowly and periodically pause to ‘hang-on-the-line’ for a while on the way to the surface. This effort does require some planning since the diver must know how long they were underwater and how deep their dive was, as well as how much breathable air is remaining in their tank.
This SCUBA concept of a slow ascent reminds me of the times in my life when I have had to dive deep into something in my life and have then had to stay at the depths for extended periods of time. These deep dives have sometimes been unexpected and without much warning, such as the serious illnesses of a loved one or even a death. Some dives have been more expected, such as sending a child off to college, a job change, or going on a planned retreat. Deep dives have also occurred for me during particularly moving spiritual experiences or intimate conversations with friends. Even after returning from a vacation, a retreat, or a service experience, I have found myself unable to immediately return to life as usual. I may be back to where I started geographically, but emotionally, spiritually, and mentally I have not transitioned back to where I am physically standing. The return to ‘normal’ life (if there is such a thing) can feel overwhelming. I often become frustrated at my inability to transition. It is at times like this that I do better if I remember the SCUBA concept of ‘hanging-on-the-line’; stopping to rest while my body adjusts to the ascent, thereby preventing a case of the ‘bends.’ I need time to let the bubbles slowly dissolve and absorb. Trying to find the balance and the tools I need for this more gentle transition depends again, on the extent, depth, and nature of the dive.
After a weekend retreat, I may find that I just need quiet when I return home. This was always easier said than done when I had children wanting my attention when I first walked in the door. I found that some prayer time in the car on the way home, a walk in the backyard, journaling time, or listening to inspirational music when alone seemed helpful.
If my dive was deeper or the time of it more extensive, such as periods in my life where I had a loved one that I wanted to be with during serious illness, it could take months afterwards for me to transition. I learned over the years to recognize and honor my need for special self-care during these more challenging transitions. Again, for me, music, prayer, conversations with trusted friends or family members, nature, journaling, acupuncture, exercise and a deliberate reduction in social activities helped me to ‘hang-on-the-line’.
I am still learning how to ascend to the surface and transition with each new situation that occurs in my life and I believe this is a lifelong process. Each deep dive provides an opportunity for growth and change.
Longtime member of Wholistic Woman Retreats, Linda Brennan is our talented guest blogger this month. She is a biologist at Ft. Detrick and resides in Middletown with her husband Bill and playful dog Bailey.
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by Carol deLaski | Sep 24, 2014 | Guest Blogging, Personal Development, Retreats, Self-Care
Today I want to write about our upcoming Wholistic Woman event: Be Calm when we will travel to Bon Secours Retreat Center to do a labyrinth walk and picnic.
I can’t actually write about doing a labyrinth walk… because I’ve never done one.
I have, however, experienced being calm. I actually think I’m a relatively calm person, especially since participating in coach training. I learned how I calm myself when I need to:
- I listen to what I’m saying to myself (my self-talk),
- I write it down,
- I reflect on it,
- I examine it’s level of truth, and I shift to what is really true.
- I try to focus on what is important to me (my values) and what I want in life.
- That calms me.
What does it mean to be calm? One definition I found said that it is “a condition free of storms, high wind, and rough water”, and I thought…that’s impossible in the turbulent lives we lead.
Another definition said that it is “a state of tranquility.” That’s attractive to me. I picture a pond that looks like glass, soft sounds in the background, crystal clear fresh air, and blue sky, I feel centered, whole, confident, and clear.
The main definition is “a quiet and peaceful state or condition, a peaceful mental or emotional state”. That sounds great! I want more of that.
How do we get there? I know I have techniques that work for me and I am open to learning new ones. I hear Bon Secours is a beautiful place with ponds, gardens, and an opportunity to reflect. I look forward to walking the labyrinth with other women in the wholistic community and looking inward to see what new level of calm I can achieve.
Please join me in this new experience! Click here for details and to register.
Today’s author: Lisa DiSciullo, CPCC, is a Certified Life Coach in Summit, NJ, with her own practice working with her clients as they are developing clarity, growth, and fulfillment in their lives. She is a founding member of the Wholistic Woman Retreats group and a Parent Educator with the Parent Encouragement Program. She can be reached at [email protected].
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