At Wholistic Woman Retreats, we believe that when women come together with the intention of supporting one another, amazing things can happen. With that thought in mind, we developed a membership program. The women who make up our membership are wise, compassionate, and courageous. Today we are sharing with you the words of our member, Lisa McFarland. We know you are going to love Lisa’s very personal blog on some of the insights she gained as the result of living through the death of her daughter, Alexis.
Lisa, thank you for sharing this with us! Your words are powerful and will undoubtedly touch the hearts of those who read this.
In talking with a friend, he shared how it has been challenging for him to engage in anything joyful since his daughter’s recent death. The pain of losing her has left his heart collapsed, full of empty space and nothing to fill it.
My friend and I share a common experience in that we both lost our little girls to rare diseases. The difference between us is that my daughter Alexis died several years ago, so I have been navigating my healing path for much longer than he has traveled his.
Loss of any kind and particularly loss of a loved one can create an agonizing and relentless emptiness that is inescapable. It can cause one’s heart to collapse, for lack of life and love. The heart is often considered to be the source of love. But when we lose someone who has been the seed of that love we are left with nothingness, apathy, despair. Hope withers. And the heart, though still beating, feels vacant.
While grieving, we wait, we cry, we pray, we work, we try to resume life in the most basic ways. We tell others we are fine. We go through the motions. “Time heals.” That’s what people tell us. But with the passage of time, the reality sets in that the void is relieved by nothing. We begin to ask ourselves: “How can I fill this void? Will I ever feel joy again? Will the pain ever stop?”
My experience regarding the void is that it cannot be filled. Because my love for Alexis was so much a part of me, her absence has left a space too vast to occupy with anything else.
However what I have found is that rather than focusing on the void, I have, over many years, been able to create life and love around the empty space. My heart’s dimensions have expanded as I have opened to latent interests, experiences, and the capacity for new love. This expansion process makes the void smaller and allows for fresh seeds of love to be planted. Apathy and despair get smaller, while hope and purpose can slowly begin to take root.
How do we expand our hearts? I believe this process manifests when we take one step at a time on our individual healing paths. These steps come in a multitude of forms, and since everyone is different, we are each drawn to, and can be healed by unique interests. There is no map, but getting started is the most important step. Here are some examples to consider:
1. Create New Experiences
Place yourself in a quiet space to brainstorm on new ways to experience life. Remember, the goal is not to forget the void but to expand life around it. Meditate on questions like:
- What hobbies or activities were on hold before this loss?
- What interests have spoken to me that until now I have not had time for?
- Where would I like to go that I have never been before?
If nothing comes to mind, try planning a short trip, even locally. You may want to visit a restaurant where you have never eaten, go shopping for a new outfit, or attend a concert.
2. Share
Generosity breeds abundance. When our hearts are collapsed, we feel we have nothing to share. But finding ways to do so can affirm our ability to contribute to the world, despite feeling deflated. Honor ideas that come to you about giving something to someone else by acting on them. Here are some examples:
- Volunteer a small amount of your time in a place that needs it
- Make someone a meal who can benefit from receiving it
- Contribute a donation to an organization that matters to you
- Open a door for someone when you enter or exit a building
- Send flowers to someone who has been supportive
- Reach out to someone where your sole purpose is to support them and attentively listen
3. Experience Nature
Take a walk outside. If a walk is too ambitious, just open a window. Listen to the sounds. Feel the air and its temperature. See if you detect a scent. Try to be reminded that we are all here in the world with purpose and possess natural instincts to lead us to that purpose. Study the trees as they are in a constant state of change. See if you can feel a connection to the natural order of life around us.
We all encounter loss. Death of a loved one may be the most profound and final loss we face. But loss can come in different forms such as a relationship ending, a job changing, a friend moving away, or the realization that something we are passionate about will not happen. These experiences can all evoke feelings of a collapsed heart.
It can be difficult at first, but as steps are taken on the healing path new dimensions are added to the collapsed heart, resuscitating our love for life, ourselves and others. Although there be no right way to “fill” the void, expanding our hearts can make that empty space feel smaller and bring us back to Joy.
I am grateful to share these thoughts and hope that they may reach someone who is in need of encouragement. I feel it an honor to be present to others who are struggling with the loss of a loved one, or who may be caring for someone with special needs. My 15 year old son lives with profoundly challenging intellectual, medical and physical demands and the experience of raising him has also provided me with a uniquely compassionate calling to be present to others.
Grieving the loss of a loved one, and/or supporting a loved one with special needs are both life scenarios that can create a sense of isolation and lack of understanding. I am inspired by my experiences to connect with others who may feel this “aloneness” and be present on their paths to healing. I can be reached at [email protected]. The photo I have included is symbolic of my own healing path, as it is a visible and daily reminder that there is always hope on the horizon.