by Carol deLaski | Feb 2, 2018 | Happiness, Laura Hall, Self-Care
When you hear the word “friend”, what comes to mind for you?
What qualities does a good friend embody? Before you read any more, take a minute to pause and really think about what it means to be a good friend.
For me, the qualities I look for in a friend include (but are not limited to) the following…
- I can trust them
- they are honest with me and allow me to be honest with them
- they know how to listen well
- they have a good sense of humor
- they challenge me to be better
- they are there to lean on and are supportive in challenging times
- they give me the benefit of the doubt
- they are encouraging and want the best for me
Now, I want you to think about what kind of friend you are to yourself…
For most of us, we tend to be better friends to others than we are to ourselves. We expect things of ourselves that we would never expect of others, we make promises to ourselves and then don’t keep them (New Year resolutions are the perfect example of this), and we speak to ourselves in ways we would never speak to a friend.
I recently participated in an online workshop on self-compassion and the thing that stood out to me the most was how common it is for us to beat ourselves up with negative self-talk. For most of us, the voice in our head, at times, speaks to us in ways that we would never stand for if it were someone outside ourselves speaking to us that way. We can be really hard on ourselves.
As a recovering perfectionist and someone who is prone to anxiety, I am always on the lookout for ways to manage stress, so when I learned that the research shows that practicing self-compassion not only motivates people to overcome failure and to do better, but also helps reduce stress and anxiety, I knew that becoming a better friend to myself was something I needed to lean into. I’ve been practicing self-compassion for about 4 years now and here is what I am learning…
The first step is to set a self-compassion intention. My intention was to practice talking to myself like I would talk to someone I genuinely loved, admired, and believed was doing the best they could do in any given moment.
The second step is awareness. Pay attention to your self-talk, especially when you feel you’ve messed up in some way. Are you a critic or a cheerleader? Work on being mindful of the language that you default to during the stressful times in your life.
The third step is to practice compassion. Think of someone outside yourself that you love dearly…practice talking to yourself the way you would talk to them.
I am passionate about the topic of compassion because I think our modern lives would be exponentially better if we all practiced being more compassionate both to ourselves and others. Life is hard at times! believe in being the change I want to see in the world. I would love to see more compassion, so it is my goal to be more compassionate. We are all human, and part of the human experience is the fact that we are all imperfect. Let’s practice being kind to ourselves and kind to others. Just imagine the impact a more compassionate world would have… it’s mind blowing!!!
Who wants to join me?
If you know me, then you know that my life coaching workshops are all about teaching what I am practicing, so I have two events I’d like to invite you to…
The first one is Wholistic Woman’s full day retreat on March 3rd, outside Baltimore, Maryland, titled ’Be Creative’, where I will be leading a breakout session in which we will be making a self-compassion vision page. You can find details and registration information here…https://home/wholisu6/dev.wholisticwomanretreats.com.wholisticwomanretreats.com/events/be-creative-retreat/
Join us for the day or for the weekend. Either way I know you will walk away feeling rejuvenated, refreshed, and inspired.
The 2nd event, ‘’Be Compassionate’, is on April 25th in Frederick, Maryland. During this interactive workshop, you will have the opportunity to experience a guided meditation on self-compassion, participate in a coach-led discussion on compassion, and you will walk away with strategies to put compassion to work in your life. For details on this event visit https://home/wholisu6/dev.wholisticwomanretreats.com.wholisticwomanretreats.com/events/compassionate-evening-retreat/
I hope to see you at one of these events!
Today’s author: Laura Hall, CPC, CDWF: As a certified professional coach since 2009, Laura Hall, Certified Daring Way™ Facilitator has been helping people just like you make changes in. As a mother of 2 girls, Laura has a special interest in coaching parents, so if you still have children living at home, ask Laura about her Wholehearted Parenting programs. Laura can be reached via email at [email protected] or feel free to visit her website HallCoaching.com
by Carol deLaski | Jan 29, 2018 | Carol deLaski, Kelye Rouse-Brown, Laura Hall, Podcast
by Carol deLaski | Jan 26, 2018 | Confidence, Courage, Kira Tregoning
If I were to ask ten people how they’re creative, I’m willing to bet I would get at least five different responses – but the most common response would be “I’m not creative.” Far too many people believe that they need to write a bestselling novel or paint a masterpiece to be considered creative. In an Adobe study on creativity and education, 78% of survey participants said they wish they had more creative ability.
We are all creative, whether we write, paint, draw, sing, or dance. Creativity is part of our essential makeup as humans, and the desire to create something meaningful is a motivation for many.
Why do so many people believe they aren’t creative? Part of it may be the comparison trap, which Wholistic Woman coaches have written about previously. We are too afraid to create because we’re afraid of judgement, whether our own or from others. Certainly many creative people fall into the comparison trap and may lose the desire to create out of a belief that they don’t stack up or that their creativity is inadequate.
Another reason may be that creativity is an act of bravery. It takes courage to create, and to be creative. It takes courage to share your creations with others, which opens you up to potential rejection and criticism. Accessing and utilizing your creativity may at times be frightening, not just for the potential rejection of something you have worked hard on, but also because you are making yourself vulnerable. You’re likely expressing your inner self, inner desires and fears, and those aspects of yourself which are normally kept hidden.
However, once you find yourself tapping into your creativity, don’t you find it hard to stop? That’s because your creativity serves a need within you. It fulfills that desire to create, and allows you to consciously or unconsciously explore different sides of yourself.
How are you creative?
In what ways do you invite creativity into your life?
A common refrain these days is “I don’t have time for that.” We’re all filling our lives with busy: home and school and work and social life and kids and on and on and on. The world, and our daily lives, are filled to the brim with “I’m busy, so I don’t have time.”
Pause. Breathe. Just reading that paragraph probably started flooding your brain with everything you have to accomplish today, or this week, or this month. But I’m going to tell you something revolutionary . . . here it comes . . . you do have time.
Most of us forget that we make time for the tasks, events, and people who we feel are important to us. Our creative pursuits often take a back seat to work because we need to pay our bills, and that’s perfectly fine. I’m guilty of it myself. I haven’t written nearly as much in my books as I had planned because running my own business consumed my life for the last year. But you know what?
I allowed it to.
I allowed work to take over because I felt it was necessary in order to do my job right, and to do it well. So I neglected my writing, and now I’m finding that was a mistake. All self-blame aside, I shouldn’t have let myself do that. That creative endeavor helps to inject creativity into my work, which is an absolute necessity in what I do. By neglecting my creative passion, I had begun to shut myself off to the creative well inside me, and all because I convinced myself I had no time or energy.
We make time for what we consider important in that moment. Of course, some things must and will always take priority, such as caring for children or family members, ensuring a roof over one’s head and food on the table, etc. But do you consider your creative pursuits important? Or have you let them slide in favor of other things?
If you have let your creativity slide, what can you do to bring those pursuits back into your life?
Wholistic Woman Retreats invites you to be courageous with us at the Be Creative Retreat on March 3. Explore your creativity and perhaps even find new ways of expressing your creative side at this full-day signature retreat! Learn about intuitive painting, integrative nutrition, self-compassion power pages, and so much more with our coaches. We look forward to seeing you there! More details and registration here.
Today’s blog is written by one of our alliance partners, Kira Tregoning. Kira is the owner and founder of Maia Media Management, a local social media business. She offers social media management, consultations, and training, as well as video filming and editing, proofreading, and manuscript critique services. Kira is also a published author with multiple fantasy novels available on Amazon and more on the way. Learn more about her at www.maiasocial.com
by Carol deLaski | Jan 19, 2018 | Kat Middleton, Self-Care
For as far back as I can remember, my father gifted his children with music. He would say music delights the heart, educates, soothes the soul, empowers and honors who we are. That’s why today’s blog is going to take us on a musical journey. C’mon, let’s go!
Music Delights the Heart:
My musical journey began with the instrumental story called Peter and the Wolf, whereby a musical instrument represented every character in the story.
Bird Flute
Duck Oboe
Cat Clarinet
Grandfather Bassoon
Wolf Horns
Peter String section of orchestra
Rifle Shots Kettle drums/drums
As a child, my imagination soared into a grand illusion of these characters and this very extraordinary musical piece came alive in all my senses. Even today, I delight at the very thought of it.
https://home/wholisu6/dev.wholisticwomanretreats.com.youtube.com/watch?v=9ueGfjBKbiE
Next Stop, Music Educates:
For my 15th birthday, and to my extreme joy, my parents gave me a stereo system, which was a huge leap up in music appreciation from my tiny record player in a box (remember those?). Along with it, my dad gave me a Pete Seger album. However, that did not excite me as much since Pete was a folk singer and Aerosmith was all the rage at 15. Fast-forward many years later when one of our son’s favorite songs was “The Lion Sleeps Tonight.” We would play it and have so much fun singing it and saying the word wimoweh. I later learned that song originated in South Africa by a man named Solomon Linda and wimoweh means “lion”. The song began in the ’30s, was redone by no other than Pete Seger in the ’50s, and in the ’60s became the #1 single in the hugely popular Disney film and Broadway show, The Lion King. Who knew?
To learn more about the history of this song, check out: http://performingsongwriter.com/lion-sleeps-tonight/
Then it was on to Music Soothes the Soul:
In August of 1991, my grandmother passed away. My father was in profound grief but unable to communicate what he was feeling in words, so he put it to music. He made a tape (we’re still in the ’80s) of twenty different renditions of Amazing Grace. It was glorious. It touched me so profoundly and allowed me to see into my father’s pain as well as mourn privately, yet not alone. I felt so understood and comforted. Here’s just one rendition as a way to pay it forward.
https://home/wholisu6/dev.wholisticwomanretreats.com.youtube.com/watch?v=iT88jBAoVIM
Every single year for more than a quarter of a century, Dad would make us kids a musical Christmas gift. As technology changed with the times, we moved from tapes to CDs, DVDs, then onto the iTunes playlist. He introduced us to many genres (Rock, Jazz, Country, Swing, Hip Hop, Folk, Reggae, Funk, Rap, Punk, etc.), an assortment of artists beginning with the Beatles but way too many to name, instruments, and much more. He called them his “Treasures from the Vault.” He used all of it to connect with us.
In 2011, Dad was diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis, a chronic and progressive lung disease where the alveoli in the lungs become scarred and stiff, making it difficult to breathe and get enough oxygen into the bloodstream. To help him cope and have the best quality of life possible, I began to travel often to his home in Pittsburg. I also became a life coach at that time.
Now at Music Empowers:
That’s where I embarked on some lessons from a researcher/storyteller by the name of Brené Brown. I loved her work so much I now facilitate workshops regularly. In week two of the Daring Way workshop, Brené brings music into the lesson by way of an arena anthem. What is that you say? Think back to the Roman Coliseum days where the gladiators battled the beast. An anthem is any song, poem, or speech that speaks to you during those somewhat petrifying and daunting times in your life when you feel like you might be eaten alive. An upcoming test, speaking in public, showing up and being seen as the real you, and Dad’s illness all qualified. These are the times when you want to walk into the arena with your anthem blaring so loudly that showing up seems less scary and even rewarding!
Pick a song from which you feel uplifted, encouraged, and reminded of how truly brave and magnificent you are, and the authentic gifts you bring. Anything that empowers, then ROCK IT!!!
My arena song was Gloria Estefan’s “Reach”:
https://home/wholisu6/dev.wholisticwomanretreats.com.youtube.com/watch?v=XuRnNRHcN4A
Last stop for today, Music Honors Who We Are:
My dad was a Marine who loved his family and spoke to us often through music, as the words were not always available. Dad passed away peacefully in late September 2017. I like to think of him marching proudly to the Marine Corps hymn I heard so many times over the years, to his final resting place. Thank you, Dad, for your love of family, service to our country, and taking us on that powerful musical journey that stirred our emotions and kept us connected. Whether a carefully scored soundtrack, a healing hymn or an arena anthem, we will be forever grateful for the expressions of music you gifted us with.
As I reflect, I encourage each of you to think about your musical journey and the impact it has made on you and how you want to connect with others.
- How do you delight, educate, soothe, empower, and honor those in your life?
- What piece of music tugs at your heart?
- Who can you educate with your specific knowledge of an artist?
- When was the last time you took a soothing music break? Who was it with?
- What is your arena anthem?
- Do you remember the ceremony of someone you love being honored and how it felt?
I hope today’s blog encourages you to grow in your appreciation of the universal expression of music as you continue your journey with gratitude for this very exceptional gift.
Music speaks what cannot be expressed,
Soothes the mind and gives it rest,
Heals the heart and makes it whole,
Flows from heaven to the soul.
As a tribute to all the armed forces that serve and protect us all and our country:
https://home/wholisu6/dev.wholisticwomanretreats.com.youtube.com/watch?v=MoNj8qsptjA
Today’s author: Kat Middleton is a professional certified coach and the founder and CEO of Wholehearted Concepts, LLC. Kat is a Professional Energy Empowerment and Self-Acceptance Coach who specializes in helping clients personally and professionally that struggle with inner doubt, perfectionism and being way too hard on themselves. She is available for private one-on-one coaching as well as group workshops, seminars, and speaking events. Learn more about her at her website: www.wholeheartedconcepts.com
by Carol deLaski | Jan 11, 2018 | Elisabeth Vismans, Self-Care
It’s that time of the year again. We are almost two weeks into the new year – how are you doing with your resolution(s)? Are you starting tomorrow or have you maybe given up already?
New Year’s resolutions are a tradition in which you resolve to change an undesired trait or behavior, to accomplish a personal goal, or otherwise improve your life. For the longest time, I did not make any, or I came up with a myriad of resolutions, but I was never committed and, therefore, never able to keep them or even remember them after a short while. This all changed when I became interested in self growth and for the last five or six years I’ve set an intention for the new year. I commit to only one.
Statistically, only 8% of people actually keep their New Year’s resolutions, so it was not surprising that I wasn’t able to keep mine. I never asked myself what the importance of this goal was and how it would improve my life. The most common reasons people can’t stick to their resolutions are lack of commitment and not having the time or energy to follow through. Nobody wants to sacrifice for something that they don’t see a lot of value in. Don’t set yourself up for failure by setting too many goals, setting unrealistic goals, or getting discouraged too easily.
You will have to make the new goal a priority and carve out time for it in your busy schedule. That means that you will have to allot time to your new goal. You will have to replace an old behavior with the new one. If you keep doing the same thing over and over again, you cannot expect a different result, right?
You might want to do some soul searching and think about last year’s resolution to see how that worked out. And if it didn’t go as well as expected, then ask yourself, “Why not?” so you don’t go the same route next time. My last year’s intention was to make more friends. Looking back, it worked out pretty well. I have made quite a few new interesting friends with different backgrounds, which was new to me as most of my friends were in the coaching and art scene. And yes, I was committed to taking the time, to be curious, looking for people in new circles, going out of my comfort zone, talking to the person next
to me sitting at the bar. That takes some courage, but it’s so worth it. And what’s the worst that can happen? And once I had made a new connection, I made sure to nurture it by staying connected, sharing and listening, and lots of fun outings. I must add that I like challenges, and new opportunities.
Setting an intent or making a resolution takes some prep work. First of all, you have to know what the new goal means to you. So I asked myself: “Why are friendships important to me and how does it improve my life?” One of my core values is being part of a vibrant community, so there was my answer.
Furthermore, I asked myself what kind of friends did I want to make? I wanted loyal and positive-minded friends with an interesting story, so the relationship would add value to my life and vice versa. What do I want to contribute to a relationship and what do I want to get out of it? I educated myself by reading up on the importance of friendships. So I put a lot of thought into it beforehand. What kept me on track was checking in on a regular basis and being compassionate with myself if I had been slacking. I just acknowledged it and did a reset.
What are the most common resolutions people make?
Eating healthier
Spending less money
Working out more
It all has to do with caring and peace of mind. But how can you be more specific so that it works for you? Let’s take a closer look at “eating healthier” and how you can stay on track. The more specific your formulation is, the easier it is to commit and stay with it. Just saying: “I want to live healthier” is too vague. What does that mean? Working out more, spending more time with your family, going to bed earlier? Be clear. Say something like: “I will eat healthier”. That’s pretty clear and now you can ask yourself questions like what is important about that to me and what kind of “bad” behavior am I going to replace with the new “good’ behavior. It takes time to get used to the new behavior, so maybe find an accountability buddy or start a Meetup. Educate yourself on the subject, discuss books, read labels, share easy recipes, visit farmers markets on a Saturday morning together. Make it a fun and exciting process.
For whatever resolution you make, be crystal clear about what you want, why you want it, how it will improve your life, and how you can succeed at accomplishing your goal. Do your research, set attainable goals and carve out time, be committed, find support, and celebrate your achievements.
Having said all that, of course you don’t have to make a New Year’s resolution just because everybody else does it. On the other hand, you can make a resolution whenever you feel like it. Once I had a client who came to me because she had no friends and desperately wanted friends but didn’t know how to go about it. “Nobody likes me,” she said. We took an in-depth and serious look at her relationship with herself. It was a rocky ride at times, but she stuck with it. There were successes and set-backs but eventually it became second nature to forge and nurture friendships. Now she says with a big smile: “Remember when I had no friends at all? Now I have too many.”
Make a positive change in your life, enjoy the process, and celebrate the outcome.
Today’s author: Elisabeth Vismans is a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach (CPCC), an Award-Winning Artist, and founder of Quality Within, helping women in transition to find their life purpose. She developed a unique coaching program using the visual language as an extra modality. She is also an Art Instructor and conducts painting and coaching workshops. Learn more about Elisabeth at her website: www.qualitywithin.com, or from her Facebook page.
by Carol deLaski | Jan 3, 2018 | Carol deLaski, Personal Development
Do you like to set New Year Resolutions?
If your answer is no, then you’re like many who find them frustrating, unfulfilling, and even frightening.
Would you like a fresh approach to developing yourself this year?
In my coaching practice, and the Wholistic Woman Community, I use a theme word for the year to guide personal and professional growth. I highly recommend the One Word process if you’re looking for new perspectives about your work, or life overall.
The three-step process outlined in the book One Word to Change Your Life tells us how to receive a word that God, Spirit, The Universe (or whatever you call that which is bigger than us) intends for our development this year. The process is simple, yet important to follow because this is not about picking any old good word. It’s about receiving the word that is meant to guide and teach you. Here’s how it works:
- Look within. Set aside time to be quiet and ask yourself these powerful questions:
What do I need…not what do I want, but what do I truly need?
What’s in my way…what’s blocking me?
What needs to go…what do I need to release to move forward?
- Look up. Prayerfully ask, what do you (God/Spirit/Universe) want to do in me and through me? Be open and pay attention for the answer. The word that surfaces may not be what you expect. In fact, your mind may at first reject the word provided, but if your heart and soul know that it is your word, then stick with it. Even if the word doesn’t make sense initially, trust the process and be curious to see what lessons it may teach you.
- Look out. Live with your word for the entire year. It’s important to stick with it because there will be insights for you through both the high and low points of your year. It helps to share your word with others who will support you as you stretch and grow.
Over the past five years, each of my theme words have taught me surprising lessons.
My first word was BELIEVE. Initially, it very easy to identify all that I believed in…faith, love, honesty, kindness…the list went on and on. Midway through the year, however, I started to see when belief was missing; times when I felt weak, vulnerable, and insecure. It was uncomfortable to realize the person I didn’t fully believe in was me. My word helped me recognize how limiting self-doubt can be. I searched for an antidote and found it in faith. When I feel weak and unable to go on, I have seen God provide exactly the people and resources that I need. I learned that the more I look for divine provision, the more often I see it. This theme word helped me to better understand my surface, as well as my deeper, beliefs.
The next year my word was FOUND. This word helped me identify the actions, solutions, thoughts, and approaches that work best for me, and to release those that do not. I learned how to more consistently rely on what I find to be true. I trust my intuition more, spend less time comparing myself to others and feeling lost. I know where the source of my inner strength lies and encourage others to find their own resilience through my coaching and book, Lost and Found: Discovering Strength in Love and Faith. FOUND was an especially relevant word for me as I published the book in 2014.
In 2015 my word was HEAR. Initially I thought this word was a bit odd and uninspiring. Nonetheless, I trusted the process, stuck with it, and learned from it. I paid more attention to the messages that I allow myself to hear from others…and from my own self-talk. I started to consciously block harmful or negative messages and tried to open my ears to listen for positive and/or divine messages. Interestingly, I heard many of those messages from family, friends, clients, and other people who may or may not have known they were a conduit…giving me exactly what I needed to hear on any given day.
In 2016 my word was ASK. I’m a recovering independent woman who is learning the value of being interdependent. Having been a single mom for many years I developed the tendency to be self-sufficient and ‘just do it myself.’ It’s hard for me to ask for help. This one word reminded me to practice asking for what I need. In addition to improving that skill, I surprisingly discovered related benefits in learning how to wait and receive.
This past year my word has been JOY. You might think that with the name Carol, which means song of joy, that this word would be easy. It’s a feel-good word but I must admit that I’ve had challenges with it. Initially, I felt nervous about it because of an internal expectation to always be joyful. I knew that would be impossible and felt that this word was lofty and beyond my reach. However, it has taught me many lessons.
As I helped my 87-year-old mother downsize for a move, we used the powerful question, does it bring you joy? from the book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up to help us decide what to keep and what to bless and release. After 8 weeks of asking that question with Mom, I noticed myself asking it in other areas of my life as well. I started to pay more attention to what brings me joy. This focus helped to deepen my personal understanding of the difference between happiness and joy.
For me, joy often slips into my heart unexpectedly and it radiates a unique, glowing, energy. It rises to my face in a smile or perhaps an outright laugh. It’s a byproduct of what I’m doing; one of the fruits of the spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). In other words, it flourishes when I am grounded. As I suspected at the start of the year, I can’t make joy happen on cue. However, I’ve learned that it appears more frequently when I’m in healthy relationships…with God, myself, and others. Joy occurs when I connect deeply with those I care about whether it’s through burst-out-loud laughter or in quiet moments of the heart. I’m learning to recognize and savor it more. Like many others, I’ve experienced unexpected challenges this year. A frightening prognosis for a beloved brother-in-law has sent my extended family reeling. Even on this hard, unwanted, journey I search for, and find, joy-filled moments of deep connection and love and for that I am grateful.
As the new year begins, I often resist letting go of the word from the previous year. I need to remind myself that each word I’ve had becomes a part of who I am. The habit of using them to gain perspective and a sense of direction continues long after the year is over. Each word continues to build within me and contributes to my on-going development.
As 2018 begins, I have moved through the process to discover my next theme word. This year I know that God has given me the word BELOVED and I’m curious to see what I will learn from it.
If you would like to learn more about The One Word Process, I suggest that you read the short book One Word to Change Your Life by Gordon, Britton, and Page. Once you’ve received your Word, be sure to share it with others to form your stretch team which will support you with this tool throughout the year.
Would you like to be part of a larger Stretch Team?
If so, I warmly invite you to join the Wholistic Woman One Word Evening Retreat on January 31st from 5:30-7:30 pm. We will kick off the 2018 Evening Retreat program series with a launch party where you will learn about the One Word process and hear inspiring stories of the impact this powerful tool has had on other women.
If you’re familiar with this tool and already have a Word for 2018, be sure to bring it with you…or bring whatever words you may be considering.
If this is a new process to you, I invite you to simply attend and learn more about it.
In addition, you will learn a bit about the evening retreat programs for 2018. We hope that you will join us for all our evening retreats to learn, grow, and stay connected with your One Word Stretch Team throughout the year.
In this community of women-on-the-grow know that you are accepted for who you are now while we provide you with tools and strategies to improve…and be more fully you! We believe that we are each unique and a wonderful work-in-progress. The Wholistic Coaches and I are honored to support you in becoming more you in this fresh new year full of possibilities.
May this be a great year to Be MORE You!
Warmly,
Carol
P.S. If you plan to attend many of the Wholistic Woman Evening Retreats this year, we suggest that you become a member to receive discounts on every event. Click here to learn more and become a member.
Today’s author: Carol deLaski, PCC, is a strengths-based executive coach who guides individuals and businesses to be their best. For more information about her coaching services, and her book Lost and Found: Discovering Strength in Love and Faith, visit www.caroldelaski.com or email her at [email protected]
