How do you connect with others? What are some of your most valuable connections and relationships? Coaches Carol, Laura, and Kelye explore the topic of connection in this third podcast episode. Play in your browser with the media player below or click “WWR Coaches Discuss Connection”.
One of the things I like to do before going to bed is to make sure there are no dishes in the sink. I like coming down in the morning to start my day feeling calm, peaceful and curious about what the new day will bring. What I know to be true about myself and how I operate best in the world, is that the stuff around me affects my energy…. when my space feels peaceful, I feel peaceful. A sink full of dirty dishes feels messy and chaotic to me so that is why I make a point, most nights, to clean it up before I retire for the evening. The problem is that I am almost always the first person to go to bed and sometimes more dishes accumulate. This was the case last night.
My daughter is home from college for Easter, and she and her boyfriend were up several hours after me. This morning the sink wasn’t as neat and tidy as I had left it. One of the items in the sink was my favorite mug. You know the one… it’s the one that is just the right size, that fits in your hands perfectly and that when you drink out of it, you just can’t help but feel happy. I was up early this morning to get ready for my exercise class. When I came downstairs, I saw the mug in the sink. I knew that when I returned home, after the workout, I would want to use it to enjoy a nice cup of tea, so instead of putting it in the dishwasher, I began to hand wash it. Now, mind you, it is about 4:45 am and although I am a morning person by nature, I’m not fully awake yet. I’m not sure exactly what happened but suffice it to say that the mug slipped from my hand and broke 🙁
What happened next, you might be wondering!?! Well, I picked the pieces up, put them in the trash, and headed out the door without any negative thoughts or feelings. I don’t know about you, but for me, this felt like a little miracle, because not that many years ago, what happened next would have looked a lot different.
Here’s how the Laura from a few years would have reacted…
There would have been a significant amount of criticism directed at both myself, as well as my daughter. My inner critic would have had a field day. My self-talk would have been something like, “You are so clumsy! Why aren’t you more careful?!? If you would just slow down a little bit, things like this wouldn’t happen!” Blah, blah, blah….
But it doesn’t stop there! When something goes wrong, our egos want to project any negative thoughts and feelings away from ourselves and onto someone or something else, so my daughter would have been part of my inner critics rant as well. My inner dialog around her may have sounded something like this… “If only she hadn’t left the mug in the sink, this wouldn’t have happened! She knows I don’t like leaving dishes in the sink overnight! It’s like she doesn’t even care about what matters to me!” Blah, blah, blah…
Self-Criticism and blame would have disrupted my calm, peaceful and curious start to my day. I would have been frustrated and angry! But, I didn’t go there! That was the miracle 🙂
As I reflect back on where I am today versus where I was several years ago it is easy to see how far I’ve come. So the question I’m sure at least a few of you are asking is, ‘How did you get to where you are today’. The answer is by practicing being compassionate and really paying attention to my self-talk. I’ve been using something I call ‘ace-ing compassion‘. Here is how it works…
You saw in my story above that before I started practicing being compassionate that my thoughts were all very critical – both of myself as well as of my daughter.
Once I looked at the mug situation with curiosity, what I saw was that I actually believe I am a pretty coordinated person and not overly clumsy. The mug was slippery from the soap and I really believe it was just an accident. And, the truth about my daughter is that I know she loves me deeply, and blaming her would not help the situation.
In my case, here is how I shifted my self-talk to be more compassionate and more in line with how I would talk to someone I love… “Don’t be so hard on yourself…It was an accident! And, it’s just a mug that can easily be replaced. Please don’t worry about it.” Then I shifted my inner dialog around my daughter. Instead of blaming or criticizing her, I chose to remind myself that I know she loves me…that sometimes I too leave dishes in the sink usually because I’m just so tired by the time I’m making my way to bed that it feels easier and, when I really think about it, I’m not sure I’ve ever actually told her that this is something that is important to me.
One of my guiding life principles is this…”Be the change you wish to see in the world”. A quote attributed to Mahatma Gandhi. I believe we can all agree that more compassion in the world would be a wonderful thing. So if you are like me and would like to expand compassion in your life, I hope you will consider joining me and the Wholistic Woman community on April 25th in Frederick, Maryland. I will be leading a workshop title ‘Be Compassionate’ where we will be exploring this topic. If you’d like more information, please click here.
In the meantime, I love hearing from you! If you start experimenting with the ‘ACE-ing compassion’ process, please let me know what you think. Talking to yourself like you would talk to your best friend or someone you love is such a simple concept but it doesn’t mean it’s easy. Please share your successes as well as your struggles. We all learn from one another. You just might be the teacher someone is waiting to hear from 🙂
Thanks for taking the time to read this and I hope you look for ways to bring more compassion in to you life today and in the days ahead. ~ Laura
Today’s author: Laura Hall, CPC, CDWF: As a certified professional coach since 2009, Laura Hall, Certified Daring Way™ Facilitator has been helping people just like you make changes in. As a mother of 2 girls, Laura has a special interest in coaching parents, so if you still have children living at home, ask Laura about her Wholehearted Parenting programs. Laura can be reached via email at [email protected] or feel free to visit her website HallCoaching.com
I am writing this blog on a very blustery day when there is still a remnant of snow on the lawn. Despite that, I can see that spring is determined to arrive. With the lingering snow, I have also spotted one of my very hardy red tulip plants starting to make its way above ground. That little plant was a gift for a Mother’s Day long ago from my awesome son, and its reappearance surprises me and makes me smile every year about this time.
As I look out the window, I also see one of the bushes in my backyard with the slightest sign of new light green leaves. All that new life makes me happy, and gives me a feeling of joy and hope. Spring is such a good reminder that no matter how hard or cold the winter has been, literally or figuratively, spring will always reappear in its full glory. Spring seems to be nature’s way of telling us “hang in there, it’s all going to be OK!”, and I love that feeling of renewal that the new season carries with it.
Spring usually has a way of getting me motivated to walk more, eat healthier, take time to enjoy the outdoors, and maybe even do some spring cleaning. What is spring telling you? If life has brought some challenges recently, what would you like the spring season to bring your way? I love the change of seasons. It always feels like we get a bit of a clean slate when the weather changes, and I take advantage of that and try to do some personal self-assessment. I ask myself, where am I right now, and what would l like to do, be, and feel in this new season that is about to start?
I’ll encourage you to take a little time to mediate on that for yourself and think about all you are grateful for from this past winter. Let the challenges teach you what they may, and then make the commitment to spring forward and visualize what could be next for you! Just imagine, like my sweet little tulip plant, spring could surprise you in the most wonderful way!
Happy Spring Visualizing, Everyone!
Today’s blog was written by WWR Partner Coach, Donna Kettell. Donna is a certified professional coach (CPC) and a master practitioner in energy leadership (ELI-MP). Her certifications were earned through The Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching (iPEC), which is accredited by the International Coaching Federation (ICF).
Today’s guest blogger is Wholistic Woman Retreats member Tiffany Richardson. Tiffany is a 2018 scholarship recipient and writes about her life experiences and how she came to find our 2018 Be Creative retreat. Welcome, Tiffany! We are so happy you found our community!
Earlier this year, someone told me about Wholistic Woman Retreats and how they meet once a month during dinner time. We talked about it briefly and then the topic was never brought up again.
However, I was so interested in learning more about it that I Googled it and found the website. As I was scrolling down to look for future retreats, the words “Be Creative” caught my eye.
You see, I used to be so creative. I wrote many short stories and I shared them with family and friends who enjoyed reading them. I told hundreds of stories using sign language in front of an audience who kept asking for more. I even sang songs in ASL at my Deaf church. I was in theatre arts at my church, at my college, and once for a community theatre company in Houston, Texas. I used to draw all the time.
All of that stopped almost 25 years ago. Why?
My mind was blocked. I couldn’t get it to open up. I did attend a couple of those “Paint with Wine” events, but I wasn’t painting with my own creativity or my own ideas. I was painting by following the instructor’s steps and all of the six ladies who were there had the same image as the one I painted. It wasn’t unique as if it had come from my own creative juices. It’s like coloring a picture that has numbers to indicate which color that specific spot had to be.
So what happened 25 years ago? I went into full survival mode without realizing it or even knowing that specific term. I was in an abusive marriage with a man who was a classic narcissist. I mean, if I were to read an article about what a narcissist abuser is usually like, I would find myself nodding because the characteristics matched.
When our daughter was only eight weeks old, I called the police because my husband was threatening to kill me that night and he was so angry that his whole body shook with both hands shaking too. I knew that my baby and I weren’t safe there – we never were – but that night he couldn’t control himself. I left him without looking back.
However, he did almost everything in his power to try to destroy me and to take custody of our daughter. He harassed me to no end for ten long years after I left him.
My daughter is now 18 years old. We haven’t seen him or heard from him for eight years now. I took care of her by working two full-time jobs when I first left him. I realized I couldn’t afford to keep the roof over our heads, so I took on a third job, but it was only part time teaching ASL at a community college two nights a week. I lived paycheck to paycheck for 18 years. I struggled to keep my head above the water.
There were times when we had to live with strangers because the other option would be to go to a homeless shelter. We used to get our food from the food bank or use food stamps.
But we finally got an apartment of our own in 2012, with just the two of us. I’ve managed to stay afloat since then. I used the food bank for the first three years since moving to that apartment.
By 2015, things started to look better for us. I still am living paycheck to paycheck, I still struggle, but I do see hope because I’m still recovering and yes, it is taking a long time for me to heal.
I remember when I saw a video of a strong Deaf woman teaching self-defense to Deaf women all over the world. I asked her if she would travel to our city. In my email to her, I wrote that I wanted to learn self-defense because I was a victim of domestic violence.
Know what she said?
“Tiffany, you are not a victim anymore. You are a survivor!”
That was so empowering for me. I saw myself in a new light.
Being a victim is so dark for me, so when I was finally able to say “I am a survivor,” things began to look brighter. With that said, I don’t want to be a victim anymore. I don’t want to be in survival mode anymore. I want to thrive and live to my fullest potential, whatever that is.
This is why I was interested in Wholistic Woman Retreats and I want to go to ALL of the events!
When I saw the Be Creative event I told myself, “This is it! This is how I will start my journey of shifting from my survival mode to my new way of living by thriving!”
I was getting so excited as I read the description of the event. I searched for the “register now” button and when I did, I was dismayed to see the price. I really wanted to go, so I searched to see if there were anything like a scholarship.
Of course, when I saw that there was one, I was overjoyed and I applied right away.
I don’t really remember everything that I said in the application, but I do remember saying that I understood or thought that for a woman to be wholistic, she would need to grow and develop some kind of harmony with her heart, mind, spirit, and body, and that it is a process that will require time, patience, practice, and lots of support from other women. I wanted to do that and I also wanted to thrive!
Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to attend the “Be Creative” retreat!
Since the retreat, I’ve been drawing, writing, and even dreaming again. I am so grateful for this wonderful opportunity to participate the retreat with you all!
“Some people arrive and make such a beautiful impact on your life, you can barely remember what life was like without them.” – Anna Taylor
What does friendship mean to you? When you think of connection, what comes to mind first?
We all have a yearning, on some level, to connect with others. We endeavor to build friendships and create our own circles of people we know, like, and trust. Creating these communities not only staves off loneliness and sadness, but exposes us to new ideas, builds a support network, and allows us to fulfill an inner drive to bond with others in varying degrees.
Who’s in your circle? Who supports you, and who do you connect with or support?
Take a moment and think about your own friendship circles. You likely have one group of friends with whom you are extremely close, followed by a second circle of good friends but not friends who are like family, followed by acquaintances, followed by business connections… the list could go on and on. When you pause to examine your connections, you probably have more acquaintances and casual connections than good friends or best friends, but you have more people in your network than you might initially think.
Some of my most valuable connections have been with the amazing women I’ve met over the years. My two closest friends are incredible. I’ve known both of them now for more than a decade, and over that time, our friendships have evolved to allow for us to grow individually. Michelle was my college roommate and at first, I wasn’t sure she and I would work out very well – she was loud and blunt, whereas I was quiet and shy. Yet somehow, we each rubbed off on the other, so I tempered her while some of her forthrightness seeped over to me. We grew together and changed each other for the better.
Casey and I are also very much the introvert/extrovert pair. We met in college, but despite our personality differences, we hit it off right away. I was still coming out of my shy shell at the time, whereas she was outgoing and social. She and I have seen each other through the worst life can throw at us, and we’ve come through the fire to the other side. We didn’t so much change each other over the years as we have supported and stood by each other.
I know I am not the same person I was a decade ago, but neither are these two friends – yet my friendships with them are stronger than ever, even accounting for three states being in the way with one of them.
Women supporting women goes beyond personal friendships as well. While writing this blog, I realized that all my mentors in business are women, which is more of a happy accident than an intentional occurrence. I certainly would not be where I am without their guidance and support, and over the last few years, these connections have blossomed from solely business relationships and more into the realm of friendships. I know I can go to these women when I have a problem to ask for advice, and we share our failures and successes with each other.
A strong community of women supporting women is one which inspires, supports, and transforms. Over the last weekend when I attended the Be Creative retreat, I realized my personal community had expanded again. Women who I had just met that day were welcoming and kind, and as a group we cheered successes, embraced our faults, and assisted through mistakes.
Today’s blog is written by one of our alliance partners, Kira Tregoning. Kira is the owner and founder of Maia Media Management, a local marketing business. She offers social media management, consultations, and trainings, as well as video services, proofreading, editing, and manuscript critique services. Kira is also a published author with two fantasy novels available on Amazon and more on the way. Learn more about her at www.maiasocial.com