by Carol deLaski | Jun 25, 2014 | Courage, Laura Hall, Retreats
I believe that it’s important to become comfortable being uncomfortable. Let’s be honest, life is often uncomfortable! When was the last time you remember feeling uncomfortable? Do you have discomfort triggers?
Do difficult conversations cause you to squirm in your seat? How do you feel about public speaking, or how about watching someone who is struggling with public speaking? Does being in an elevator with strangers wig you out? What was it like to talk to your kids about the birds and the bees? Are you comfortable with people crying? Does it make a difference whether the crier is male or female? When your bank account balance drops below a certain level, does that make you uncomfortable? How do you feel when someone asks you, “Why are you so quiet? Or “Why are you so loud? Are there situations at work that make you feel uncomfortable? Yes, life can often be uncomfortable.
In my earlier years I would often run from discomfort. If something was outside of my comfort zone, I would avoid it at all costs. That strategy worked for me for a little while, but eventually it caught up to me. What happened was that I noticed there were big picture things I wanted to do, but some of the details were out of my comfort zone. For example, I knew I wanted to become a life coach, but the idea of having to coach a master certified coach was outside of my comfort zone (quite frankly, it scared me more than I wanted to admit). I knew at that time that I needed to adopt a new strategy, and since that time I’ve been practicing being comfortable being uncomfortable.
So what are some of the problems with the comfort zone? The problems that come to mind for me is that it limits my learning or experiencing new things, it keeps me closed minded, it can get so comfortable that I get lazy or complacent. It can lead to boredom.
Rational psychologist, Windy Dryden, author of the book, “10 Steps to Positive Living”, says that a lot of human suffering comes from being intolerant of discomfort. He says that the reason we are intolerant of discomfort is because we massively overestimate how uncomfortable our feared situations will be, and that the more we avoid these situations, the more uncomfortable we’ll find them. So maybe I’m on to something in trying to practice being comfortable being uncomfortable.
Dryden says, that the more you practice putting yourself in uncomfortable situations, the more your brain habituates to them. Or in my words, being comfortable being uncomfortable leads to more comfort 🙂
Just for fun, I took a quick survey of my husband,my children, my friend, and her kids around the question, “Why do you think it’s important to step out of you your comfort zone?”. Here are their responses:
- It stretches you to grow
- It challenges you and helps you see just how strong you really are
- It gives you courage when you face a fear
- It gets you to try new things and learn new thing
- It builds your confidence
Now it’s your turn…Why do you think it’s important to step outside your comfort zone?
Are you ready to walk your talk? Wholistic Woman Retreat’s next event is titled “Be Courageous” and it’s about stepping outside your comfort zone. Consider joining us on July 15th for a positive, enriching and encouraging evening with other Wholistic Women. Click here for details
And for a little taste of what you can expect from the zip line portion of the evening, check out this video:
[yframe url=’http://youtu.be/Z4EcDqbphb8′]
https://home/wholisu6/dev.wholisticwomanretreats.com.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4EcDqbphb8&feature=em-share_video_user
Hope you see you there!
Today’s author: Laura Hall is an iPEC certified life coach whose business, Hall Coaching, was established in 2009 with the vision of waking women up from the nightmares of “How did I get here?” and, “Is this as good as it gets?”, so that they can begin creating and living the life of their real dreams, hopes and desires. She offers both one on one as well as group coaching services. She can be reached at [email protected] or check out her website at www.hallcoaching.com
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by Carol deLaski | Jun 19, 2014 | Courage, Family, Guest Blogging
In my daily review of Facebook yesterday, I saw a Youtube clip of Amy Grant, the singer, talking about her father who is in the throes of full-blown dementia. She had 3 tips for dealing with the care of an aging parent and her words stuck with me all day.
The first tip was most profound. She said (loosely quoted) “frame your experience to one of meaning…this is part of your journey…make sure this part of your life is not one filled with regret…this may be the last great lesson you learn from [your parent]…”. Her comment prompted me to do something very practical and useful that has helped me in many difficult situations: reflect on what I have learned and am learning.
My mother became a single parent when my 3 brothers and I were young, ages 4, 6, 9 (me), and 11. She had to go to work full time after being a stay at home mom for 13 years.
The first lesson I learned from her at that point was to accept help. My grandparents lived close by and assisted in whatever way they could. We also had babysitters and helped each other when we could.
I learned the value of planning and organization as I watched her make the casseroles for the week every Sunday afternoon so we could have a hot dinner when she got home Monday through Friday at 6:00 pm.
I learned to cook (later, after the casserole phase) when I was a young teenager as the only time I could manage to get 15 minutes with her was in the kitchen as she was preparing our dinner. She would stop our conversation to say, “see how I melted the butter, added the flour then the milk to make the white sauce…”.
I learned about corporate politics as she would tell me about her day at work.
I learned that no matter how difficult things get, that there is always hope and a way out. Things will always look better in the morning, she would say.
I learned to depend on myself by having to do my own laundry, be responsible for my own things, and manage all my own activities and schoolwork. There was no one to drive us anywhere so we rode our bikes and walked everywhere. I learned how to navigate my surroundings. We were latchkey kids before the term was coined.
There are many more lessons I learned from her in the past and Amy Grant’s comments encouraged me to look at what I am learning from my mother now. What is perhaps the “last great lesson” in the final stretch of her life?
My mother, even with the Alzheimer’s, still epitomizes the perseverance I saw from that single mom with 4 small children. She gets up everyday, showers, when encouraged and prompted, then struggles with identifying how to dress in the clothes that have been laid out for her. When she comes down for breakfast, she has already accomplished a very difficult task, without complaint.
She chimes into the conversation when it doesn’t appear that she is listening with a humorous comment, and she still knows how to laugh, and reminds me how important laughter is.
Most of all, she has taught me that grace, love, and courage are essential to maintaining the highest quality of life possible given these circumstances. Her sweet demeanor encourages everyone around her to want to help. Even though she doesn’t understand why all these strangers are in her kitchen caring for her, she still occasionally reaches over to squeeze my arm and tell me she loves me. I know she is terrified in many ways of all the unfamiliar everyday things she faces, and she still musters her courage and keeps going.
This last lesson in my mother’s life has been one of extraordinary meaning for me. I am honored and proud that I am able to be a part of caring for her. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I encourage you to reflect frequently on what life lessons you are learning on your journey. I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Lisa
P.S.- Amy Grant’s other 2 tips were to spread the responsibilities out for the care of your loved one to all the emotional communities that can help, and to make sure (early in life) that there is a good financial plan (via insurance) so that when the funds are needed, they are there. [I echo this tip, Long Term Care Insurance has been a life saver for us!]. If you are interested in watching the Amy Grant clip, the link is below.
Amy Grant
Today’s author: Lisa DiSciullo, CPCC, is a Certified Life Coach in Summit, NJ, with her own practice working with her clients as they are developing clarity, growth, and fulfillment in their lives. She is a founding member of the Wholistic Woman Retreats group and a Parent Educator with the Parent Encouragement Program. She can be reached at [email protected].
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by Carol deLaski | Jun 11, 2014 | Business, Carol deLaski, Change, Professional Development
Do you ever struggle with balance…at work or at home? What would a healthy, interdependent, relationship with your co-workers or your life partner look like?
Interdependent may not be a word that we use very often, but I believe it holds the key to successful work and personal relationships. To me, it’s that sweet spot where we can rely on others and on ourselves in a healthy balanced way. It’s when we know what we need and can take care of ourselves…. but we also know when we need help, and who or what we need to complement or support us…. and we aren’t afraid to ask for that assistance. Interdependence may mean something different to you. Perhaps it is best understood by first looking at what it is not. We can learn about the delicate balance of interdependence by recognizing what it means to be overly dependent or overly independent.
Unhealthy dependency is recognizable when these three limiting beliefs appear in emotionally charged interactions.*
- When we believe that others have the power to make us feel good or bad;
- When we focus on another person’s needs as a substitute for our own needs;
- When we become preoccupied with getting another person to change in some way so that we can feel happy, loved, whole, comfortable, wanted, content, etc.
These limiting beliefs are red flags that we may be losing ourselves and relying too much on other people; giving our personal power away.
On the other end of the spectrum, there are different challenges that arise from being too independent; such as isolation, loneliness, fear, emotional distance and difficulty asking for help, to name a few.
I am familiar with both ends of this spectrum, and perhaps you are as well. There are often very good reasons why we go to these extremes, but we won’t get into that here. Instead, I want to ask: What have you found that brings you back to center when you get off balance? What course corrections do you make when you find that you’ve wandered into being overly independent or overly dependent?
For me, I’ve learned to restore balance with three practical steps: Stop, Look, and Listen. When you feel off balance in a professional or personal relationship, I suggest that you try these three steps.
Stop your habitual reactions: stop or slow down whatever reaction you normally do.
- If you typically withdraw, stay present.
- If you typically close your heart, try to say open.
- If you habitually withhold, disclose.
- If you tend to attack, take a deep breath and be still.
Look at yourself…not at the other person, and ask:
- What part of my reaction or perspective is keeping me defensive?
- What part of me is threatened in this situation?
- Am I feeling shame, humiliation, or embarrassment?
- What support do I need to tolerate this experience?
Listen deeply. Dive below the surface disturbance to connect with your core energy. Listen to the part of you that is unaffected and larger than your reaction. Return to the conversation more open and less attached to protecting yourself.
These three simple, yet powerful, steps help me pause and regroup when highly charged interactions occur. They interrupt my habitual reactions and allow me to engage with others in ways that can lead to healthy interdependence.
Give them a try the next time you find yourself off balance and out-of-sorts at work or at home. I suggest that you share your observations with someone else to give voice to your impressions and to cement your understanding.
Feel free to write to me or post a comment here. Look for more strategies on healthy interdependence in my next blog.
Good luck and I look forward to hearing from you!
Today’s author: Carol deLaski, PCC is a speaker, author, and coach specializing in strengths-based leadership coaching. Write to her at [email protected] or visit her website: www.caroldelaski.com for more information about her speaking and coaching services. You can learn more about interdependence in her book, Lost and Found: Discovering Strength in Love and Faith.
*Some of the material from this blog has been summarized from an excellent book on relationships, Undefended Love by Psaris and Lyons, which I highly recommend.
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by Carol deLaski | Jun 6, 2014 | Sandie Lynch, Self-Care
Have you ever set a goal with good intentions only to realize that weeks later you have made no progress?
I know this has happened to me plenty of times. It wasn’t that I decided I didn’t want my goal any longer or it wasn’t worthwhile because it was. In fact, many of these goals I have now accomplished, but it was like, at the time, there was something inside me fighting against my desire. Literally, a voice encouraging me not to do it; every time I set the intention to work on my goal a little voice inside whispered… “I don’t feel like it.” Maybe the reasons I didn’t pursue my goal were I wanted to do something more fun, or I wasn’t sure how to get started, and/or maybe it seemed just too big. No matter what the reason, I was feeling powerless to get started and instead listened to the little voice inside and postponed my joy of accomplishment.
Have you ever pondered how much energy you waste by having “debating” conversations with yourself?
Who knows! Imagine for a moment how much time and energy you could save and accomplish by eliminating these debating conservations. How would the course of life change?
Below are 3 strategies to create more energy and build synergy within, and move you toward your goals and success.
Power Pose: Research by Amy Cuddy, a social psychologist, showed that our body language not only impacts those around us but also impacts ourselves. Our energy and hormones for stress and power influences our posture and vice versa. When we feel powerless, our stress hormone cortisol is up and our body takes on a closed posture; slumping, arms crossed, curling in a ball. When we feel powerful, the hormone testosterone is high and our body is in an open posture; chest out, arms open and up in a “V” or on our hips standing tall. Cuddy showed that in just 2 minutes by taking on a certain pose we influence the level of our hormones which in turn shifts our energy. During her research, when individuals adopted “power” poses their testosterone increased and cortisol decreased, making them feel more energized, confident, and willing to take risks. When individuals took on “low power” posture poses, their testosterone decreased and cortisol increased, and the individuals felt stressed and shut down. She found that, “our non-verbals govern how we think and feel about ourselves.” Watch her complete discussion of her research on Ted-Talk https://home/wholisu6/dev.wholisticwomanretreats.com.youtube.com/watch?v=Ks-_Mh1QhMc
Eat for the Mood You Want: Based on the research it appears that highly processed foods, saturated fat, and sodium can increase the tendency for sadness, discouragement, depressed moods and even decreases the desire for activity. Although, more research still needs to done, they do know that certain foods change our brain chemistry and affect our desire to move and/or how motivated we feel. Below are just a few foods to include in your life to ensure you are feeding your body and brain for the mood that creates a desire to move and live!
- Healthy Carbs! It appears that a low carb diet can reduce the desire to move and exercise in just 2 weeks. Carbs are the preferred fuel source for the brain and our muscles. Carbohydrates also increase serotonin, a neurotransmitter in the brain, known as the mood regulator. The best carbs to increase energy and our mood are whole grains, fresh fruits, vegetables, legumes, and foods that are nutrient dense and have high fiber; those that take some time to chew, and digest… not ones we drink or melt in our mouth.
- Omega-3 polyunsaturated fatty acids affect the neurotransmitter pathways in the brain and protect against depression, improve mood and the ability to find solutions to life’s difficulties and challenges. Great sources for omega-3s: fish, flaxseed, avocados, walnuts and many other nuts and seeds. Adding at least 2 ounces of nuts in your day and fish 2 to 3 times a week increase feelings of happiness and motivation for action.
Go for the Burn! Exercise changes our brain. It not only increases oxygenation in the brain it also increases the growth of brain cells in the area of learning and memory. Research has demonstrated improved problem solving, creativity, and memory recall after just 10 minutes of activity. Studies have shown that exercise is the most effective method to decrease fatigue and increase energy over power medications. When we make our exercise challenging, the burn releases endorphins to block the pain and provide a “feel good” feeling. It also increases other mood enhancing neurotransmitters in the brain such as dopamine, nor-epinephrine, and serotonin.
So next time your set your mind to accomplish something, don’t stop there, create energy synergy for success by assuming a posture to increase your power and confidence, eat healthy foods for improved energy and motivation for action, and move in challenging ways to create a brighter mood, increase creativity, and develop problem solving solutions for success.
Today’s author: Sandie Lynch MS, RDN, LDN, Registered Dietitian, Personal Trainer, Well-being Coach. Owner and CEO of ATP Consultants, LLC sharing 5 Key Principles to Attain Top Performance in living your best life at any age!
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by Carol deLaski | May 29, 2014 | Fear, Laura Hall, Retreats
Are you in control of your thoughts or do your thoughts control you?
I have long believed that we, as human beings, aren’t in control of much, but one thing we can most certainly control is our thoughts. A quick google search on books on this included titles such as “Change your Thoughts, Change Your Life” by Wayne Dyer, “Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow” by Karen Casey, “The Weight Loss Mindset: 10 Thoughts that are Keeping You Fat” by Sarah Patterson, “Change Your Brain, Change Your Life” by Daniel G. Amen, and the list could go on and on.
For me, the real question is not IF we can control our thoughts, but rather, HOW? How do we change our thoughts? Especially those really pesky thoughts that are holding us back in some way and keeping us from being all we are meant to be and do all the things we are meant to do. It’s one thing to subscribe to the belief that we are in control of our thoughts; it’s something all together different to put it into action. A couple years ago I went to see Eckhart Tolle speak and he was asked a question about how to let go of negative thought patterns. His answer was….you simply drop it, just like you’d drop a hot potato. After you drop it, if you find yourself holding it again you just drop it again. At the time, I didn’t find that answer very helpful. I wanted a more detailed answer with specific steps. What I know now is simple is better. I’ve been practicing dropping unwanted thoughts like hot potatoes, and guess what….It works!
Here’s a little story about how I recently dealt with one of those pesky little….OK, pesky big unwanted thoughts. If I was giving it a title, it would be “Dental Phobia: True Confessions from the Wife of a Dentist”.
As a child, I can’t remember one single dentist appointment where I didn’t have a least one cavity. I would brush my teeth regularly. I would use the little red tablets that would show you where you weren’t brushing effectively enough and focus on those areas. I would rinse with nasty tasting Listerine – the one in the brown bottle that would come wrapped in paper. It was horrible! I was determined that my next visit would be cavity free, but to no avail. What made it worse is that my brother had no where near the oral hygiene that I did, but he would show up cavity free. As a result I grew to dread going to the dentist. Everything about it made me anxious. The smell of the office – that mixture of cleaning products and burning teeth, the cheezy Muzak that did nothing to soothe my young soul, the sticky vinyl of the chairs of torture all contributed to my absolute terror.
Fast forward to my college years. It was during this time that I met my husband. He was a biology major. You can do a million things with a biology major. Of course he picked the one career path that had I known that was where his biology degree was going to take him, I would have gone running in the complete opposite direction. You guessed it…He became a dentist. I now had a problem! I was in love with Bill Hall, but he was becoming the thing I feared the most. How did I handle it you ask, I pushed the scary thoughts about dentists under the rug and tried to remind myself that he loved me and wasn’t going to hurt me. I know in those early days, I was a nightmare of a patient to him. My fear caused me to over manage him when I was in the dental chair…”don’t do that”, “let me sit up for a minute”, “I hate that flavor of flouride”…blah,blah,blah! I was a chronic complainer at the dentist office. I was the person Lisa talked about in her blog last week. (Click here if you missed it) I didn’t like who I was in that environment. It was clear to me that my thoughts and fears were bringing out a side of me that I didn’t like. Then I remembered that I believe I am in control of my thoughts and decided to do something about them.
At my last visit, Bill told me that a lot of my fillings were getting old and were in need of being replaced. I decided that this was the perfect opportunity to practice dropping the hot potato of negative thoughts about dental treatment. What I found was that it was easier to drop the negative thoughts when I could replace them with a different thought. “This is going to hurt” became “I’ve had 2 natural childbirths…I can handle this” or “It’s just a sensation”. What I found was that there wasn’t any pain. My brain was telling me that dental procedures are painful but the truth is, it wasn’t.
It was also interesting to observe how my body responded to my thoughts. About every 30 seconds, I noticed that my fists were clenching and my shoulders were tense. As soon as I noticed that, I would just remind myself to “relax”. I would try to slow down my breathing and let my body melt into the comfortable chair (NOT the chair of torture!).
This experience took a lot of focus on my part. My old thought patterns came automatically; the new ones took a lot of energy. By the end of the visit, I was exhausted, but I felt good about practicing being in control of my thoughts. I trust that just like building a muscle, the more I practice this, the easier it’s going to get.
So in answering the question of how do we change our thoughts? Here is what I observed in hindsight:
1. Awareness – notice the thoughts that are holding you back
2. Decide; make a conscious choice to change them
3. Replace old thought with new thoughts
4. Pay attention to your body; sometimes it speaks first
5. Repeat this process – moment by moment if necessary
The moral of the story for me is that what you think matters. Look at the areas of your life that you’d like to see changes in and work on changing your thoughts.
Over here at Wholistic Woman Retreats we are getting ready for our annual zip line retreat event. As I’ve been talking to women about joining us, I’ve run into a few people who say, “Oh, I could never do that!”. If that is you, I’d like to challenge you to consider giving it a try. It is really very easy, just ask Carol deLaski’s 80 something year old mother who has joined us on several occasions. Stop telling yourself your can’t and start telling yourself you can. What you think matters! You can find details on how to register by clicking here.
Today’s author: Laura Hall is an iPEC certified life coach whose business, Hall Coaching, was established in 2009 with the vision of waking women up from the nightmares of “How did I get here?” and, “Is this as good as it gets?”, so that they can begin creating and living the life of their real dreams, hopes and desires. She offers both one on one as well as group coaching services. She can be reached at [email protected] or check out her website at www.hallcoaching.com
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