by Carol deLaski | May 19, 2017 | Change, Guest Blogging, Personal Development
Have you ever noticed how challenging it can be to speak up and say the hard thing?
I’ve learned a lot about that recently in surprising ways. I’ve been part of the Wholistic Woman Retreat (WWR) community since the beginning and recently became an Alliance Partner in January.
Over the years, I have learned about Energy Leadership, Strengths Finders, self-care and have attended multiple WWR overnight retreats studying Brené Brown’s work. Suffice it to say that I have a recipe box chock-full of ingredients to make a great life!
Like many women in mid-life, I’ve been dealing with a lot of change. Last year, while mourning the loss of my father, I turned 50, changed jobs twice in a line of work that I had never liked, started transforming my jewelry-making hobby into a legitimate business…all while taking care of an aging pet who has separation anxiety. Talk about a recipe for emotional meltdown!
When I left my last career, I took a few months to just chill and see what I was going to do with the rest of my life. During that time, I reached out to a friend who had coached me in the past and asked about getting more involved with Wholistic Woman Retreats. I had time on my hands and I needed to feel part of something bigger and better than myself. It worked out, in a very surreal way, that my skill set was just what WWR needed at that time. I was so happy to be accepted and become a partner to this thriving organization whose mission is to help women be their best.
The timing of my becoming a WWR Alliance Partner was a little wonky because it was mid-late January and the team was in full planning mode for the annual overnight retreat in March. No matter, I was willing and able to dive in and do whatever I needed to do to help make this retreat a great success.
Oh, one thing I forgot to mention is that I am a recovering perfectionist with trust issues. I don’t like to disappoint and hate to make mistakes because my experience with former work, family and friends was…let’s just say, not pleasant.
Time flew by and the week of the retreat came up in what felt like five minutes. My over-achiever kicked in and with my new responsibilities, I started to feel anxious that I wasn’t performing up to what I thought was expected of me. I was still trying to figure out my place in the group, learn and create new processes and procedures, and understand how to communicate with the other members. I wanted to serve in the best, and most genuine, way but I felt a little lost.
I showed up at the retreat site ready to work and to make everyone happy. I jumped in and helped whomever needed me and did whatever needed to be done. My perfectionist side showed up with me and as I went along, there were little things that I judged myself as not doing right. I also thought that others judged me as not being enough. With that thinking I quickly began a downward spiral – feeling defeated and inadequate.
When I got home from the retreat, I was physically and emotionally spent. I sat and thought about everything and re-read the programs to ponder what had happened. I seriously contemplated the feelings that I had and how I was going to act upon them. I waited until we had a follow-up call with the retreat team to hear their perceptions. Once I learned what the coaches were feeling and how they had to shift between roles at the retreat, I began to understand how that led me to feel lost and left to fend for myself. Despite that insight, I still felt guilty that I didn’t figure it out on my own and that I had somehow let the team down. Have I ever told you that I’d like to add mind-reader to my list of super powers?
Fortunately, I decided to immerse myself in the strategies that were taught during the retreat. I experienced valuable interactions, and identified action steps, during the retreat that I knew would be key in processing the challenges that I now faced. I wanted to address my feelings and frustrations in an appropriate, graceful, and authentic way. I also knew that to open myself up in this way would be very uncomfortable. I was scared and really just wanted to quit and walk away. That’s how I typically would have reacted in the past when faced with hard conversations. For me, walking away is a defense mechanism to avoid my emotional pain.
But this time I didn’t walk away. I voiced my concerns to Carol, the Founder/CEO of WWR, and was ready for what I thought would be a very negative and sad outcome. I was used to having a sweet and easy relationship with Carol and I thought it would surely end here. I had made mistakes, showed that I wasn’t perfect, and assumed that I was probably a huge disappointment to them all.
Instead, I was given even more grace than I expected, showered with love and concern, and was shaken to my core in a really good way. It was one of the healthiest, positive, and constructive conversations I have ever had with anyone. It was probably one of the few times in my life that I was able to be authentic, yet not feel bad or worried during and after the conversation. I felt that I was honored for who I was and what I wanted to accomplish.
It was a wonderful outcome to a hard conversation…and it doesn’t end there.
After experiencing such a positive result from that hard conversation I felt pretty good about myself (thank you very much) and decided I had one more in me that had been hanging around for over 30 years……
I explained to Andrew, the love of my life, that I wanted to get married.
He said yes.
So we were married on May 5th.
End of this story but the beginning of many more…
Today’s Author: Terry Drankiewicz is a long time member and new alliance partner of WWR. As she considers what her next career will be, Terry recently started a new business, RAW Designs LLC, designing and creating jewelry and small art pieces from repurposed and unique items. She lives in Keedysville with her husband Andrew, and her dog, Boo Boo Kitty. You can see her jewelry and art creations on Facebook at @rawdesignsllc and can reach her at 301-730-1186 or [email protected].
by Carol deLaski | Apr 21, 2017 | Confidence, Guest Blogging, Jane Helm
Confidence is a work in practice—after all, practice makes perfect, right? As a new entrepreneur I am working on my confidence every day. Having taken the leap into a world of self-reliance and exercising my new muscles of courage, I find myself building confidence in the same way I have done during earlier challenges I have faced.
One pivotal lesson I learned in building confidence was when I started taking ballet. By all standards, I had started late in life. I was twelve. Most of the girls in my class had started much younger, some at three years old. I had taken modern dance, where dancers are allowed to not have their shoulders pushed down, and toes didn’t have to be perfectly pointed. Where I could lift my leg as high as I wanted AND lift my hip too! I found myself in a world where total body control was expected, and realized quickly that this expectation of precision and conformity would be a daunting undertaking. In the mirrors, I watched my peers move with their bodies in perfect alignment, with their hands shaped identically in a dainty half-grasp. They held their heads high (and lifted their legs without any hip movement at all!). Those mirrors. I was always looking in those mirrors! Observing others and myself—would I ever measure up? I was amazed and intimidated. The peer pressure in ballet is fierce and when combined with a stern Czech teacher, counting out each step, pointing out every mistake, I was overwhelmed. I wondered if the reflection in the mirror would ever ever provide a glimpse of hope. Would I ever be able to let go of the barre that was steadying me? There were so many times I considered quitting. But I didn’t. I kept practicing and practicing.
Repetition was the teacher. Every class was the same routine—plies, releves, and adages over and over and over. For a long while, I was mediocre, easily identified by my trembling muscles, by the wobbly pirouette and the leaps that made audible sounds upon landing. The practice, practice, practice was the key to learning the skill. Did I mention practice? All the while, through every practice and rehearsal I was learning the intricacies of each move. Holding my head up high as my feet and confidence hesitated.
After years, I was finally chosen for toe shoe class—a goal in dance for sure! I couldn’t wait to put on the light pink shoes with the satin ribbon and be in the group that was elevated to this status—the “badge of confidence” had been bestowed on me!
If you’ve never worn a pair of toe shoes, here is a peek at the experience: THEY HURT!!! These shoes are fitted to your foot without a centimeter to spare. Rising up on the toes created a shockingly stinging, burning pain that sometimes went straight through my spine. Again, I was looking in the mirror. None of my classmates showed any sign of pain as they stoically held their heads up with assurance and grace. I came to realize that all of us had bleeding toes that ached and throbbed. Regardless, we would all rise again on top of the toes that already had oozed with agony, over and over and over again. Practice. Practice. Practice. Push through the pain. Do it again.
Today I feel that same kind of pain—sometimes that sharp, burning pain—and learning to navigate my new business has me looking in the mirror again. Am I measuring up? I’m new in this class of entrepreneurship. I got a late start (again). The muscle that trembles is all mental, and I have wobbled through navigating the dizzying pirouettes in all of the roles I have taken on in the classroom of business, while steadying myself on the barre that I cling to: the calling to share my passion for empowering others and bring hope to the financially challenged universe. To let me be the example in the mirror. To let me count out the steps. To help my clients practice the practice of practicing. To remind them to hold their heads up high, no matter the pain.
Step by step, we build our confidence. I am raising the barre for myself, looking in the mirror, knowing that these early days of entrepreneurship are the dress rehearsal for the years to come. My confidence is on the move, growing with each step I take.
Today’s Author: Jane Helm is the Principal of Money Mentor Group. As a wealth coach, Jane combines decades of financial services experience with a degree in social work and psychology to bring positive financial change to her client’s lives. She is an Affiliate Coach with the Wholistic Woman Retreat group and co-founded the Bring Your Own Business Success networking group. Jane can be reached via email at [email protected]
by Carol deLaski | Apr 3, 2017 | Guest Blogging
As the first scholarship recipient for Wholistic Woman Retreats, I want to say thank you. I could never repay the many blessings that I received from this experience.
I’d like to share my thoughts about the retreat using an acrostic of the word WHOLE because that’s exactly how I felt when I left; not lacking anything.
Warmth– The warmth of each of the women was incredible. I walked into the retreat knowing no one, but left with friends with whom I hold a special bond that only a retreat like this could give me.
Healing– The topics covered at this retreat while deep, were handled with love and care and with every intention to heal and that’s exactly what they did.
Overflowing– Whether it was with joy, stress relief (from amazing accommodations and amenities like seated massages), knowledge, or love, I left the retreat feeling full to the brim and ready to share that fullness with other ladies that I believe could use an experience like this.
Laughter– These women were willing to throw caution to the wind in order to drive home the principles, and key points, of the retreat. Also, taking time to dance and let go a bit had us all smiling and laughing!
Encouragement– Not only was I encouraged to be myself, but I was reminded that I am enough. And who doesn’t want to feel that she is enough?
To the coaches at Wholistic Woman Retreats, all of their affiliates, and especially to Legacy Financial Associates thank you for the trip of a lifetime and for so many memories that I plan to build on for many years to come!
Today’s Author: Caryn Dayhoff is a personal trainer and creator of CREW which stands for Creatively Renewing Every Woman. Visit her website, www.ccdfitness.com or contact her at [email protected] for more information.
by Carol deLaski | Mar 8, 2017 | Confidence, Guest Blogging
I began playing volleyball at the age of 13 and quickly became one of the top players and team captain through middle and high school. Playing sports enhanced my innate competitive drive and I began to view winning as the only option, both on and off the court. My hatred of losing made every game an emotional roller coaster. If we did lose, I was distraught for the remainder of the day and often into the next. My identity became tied to my ability to perform and it didn’t take very long before this distorted thinking spilled over into all the other areas of my life. I pressured myself to get the best grades, be the best daughter, the best Christian, the best liked. When I met my own expectations, all was right in the world. However, failure to attain perfection led to self criticism and feelings of unworthiness. I now realize that my understanding of love and worth was connected to my performance and I felt loved when I was doing things ‘right’. When I was achieving or performing well, I thought I was more valuable and loved than when I made mistakes. I did not understand unconditional love. To me, love was very much conditional and contingent on my ability to perform.
This desire to be the best often led me into the comparison trap that drove the vicious cycle of evaluating myself against others, feeling as though I didn’t measure up, and then criticizing myself. I couldn’t be happy for someone else who was doing well because in my mind that meant I wasn’t. So, this judgment based on my interpretation of how my performance measured up to theirs often left me feeling miserable and unworthy. I was operating with a ‘scarcity mentality’ that thought life was made up of one pie and I was getting less of it if someone else got a big piece (for more on this, you can read 7 Habits of Highly Effective People). I didn’t understand that there was more than enough to go around and that one person’s success did not prohibit mine. Even more importantly, someone else’s achievements did not impact my value or worthiness.
There are many reasons we can fall into the comparison trap. Insecurity in our abilities can drive us to desire someone else’s traits. Looking at a friend’s Facebook page and judging our day to day circumstances against their ‘highlight reel’ can cause us to feel frustrated or dissatisfied with our life. I know from personal experience that when I have struggled with changing a bad habit and see someone successfully conquer it, I have gotten trapped in the cycle of comparison and self-criticism. Thoughts such as, “I’m not good enough”, or “I’ll never measure up”, or “I must be weak because I can’t do it as well” would start to creep in and derail my progress.
A paradigm shift happens when we begin to operate out of a place of security and a true sense of self-worth. When we recognize the gifts we’ve been given and embrace our strengths to fulfill our purpose, we can take the focus off what others have and put the energy into using what we have. There was a man in the Bible named Paul who wrote about this idea. He said, “Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that… Don’t compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life.” We each have skills, traits, and hobbies that can be used and enjoyed for a fulfilling life. There is a wonderful joy that occurs when we embrace and grow our unique gifts. This same joy also genuinely celebrates in the abundance of others.
I invite you to join me at this month’s evening retreat, Be Free, on March 29th where we will dive more deeply into the topic of comparison. We will discuss the why’s and how’s of the comparison trap and learn strategies to break free from its damaging cycle. The result will be a celebration of the true, Wholistic, beauty in each one of us.
Today’s Author: WWR Partner Coach, Liz Reihm works with women of all ages to help them create healthy lives through mental, physical, and spiritual wholeness. She helps women discover their potential with both personal training as well as coaching.
For more information about Liz, you can visit her website: www.coaching4her.com; email her at [email protected]; or call (240) 397-6437 with any specific questions.
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by Carol deLaski | Nov 23, 2016 | Guest Blogging
Successful vacations, in many ways, are similar to successful holiday experiences. As we enter into 2016’s holiday season, we encourage you to take the time to think about what types of experiences you would like to have this year.
This week’s blog by WWR member, Linda Norris-Waldt gives you her take on 5 different ways to have a successful vacation. You just might be able to use some of these ideas to enhance your holiday experiences. Enjoy!
I’ve been vacationing for more than 50 years–both the kinds of vacations where I was “taken along” as a child, and many, many vacations that I have planned as an adult. Like major family holidays, vacations can carry lots of baggage with them–both literally and figuratively. The expectations we have of them are often unrealistic; the disappointment we feel when a vacation doesn’t “relax us” can leave us feeling deflated and even with a curious sense of wasted money and time.
I’ve let that happen to myself too many times, and on a recent trip away–where things didn’t turn out the way we had hoped with incessant rain at the beach, in my middle-aged wisdom I made a conscious decision to turn the tables on disappointment. What I got was a rest–which was just what I needed. After all, vacation is, from the Latin “freedom from occupation”.
Take a look at these vacation models and see if your next vacation fits. But wait till it’s over–you never know what’s in store for you if you keep an open mind!
A Change of Mindset. This kind of vacation can be accomplished in a variety of ways, but the underlying theme is, put aside the YOU who left home and, almost like an alter ego, embrace new things. (Remember the Seinfeld episode in which George does the complete opposite of normal?) Foods, sites, adventures, people, culture and countries….these are all options that help you delve into your deepest self and notice whether you’ve been missing an element of who you are. Warning: this type of vacation is hard to do from the comfort of home!
Release of Expectations. After all these years of vacationing, I finally experienced this kind of true peace only recently. We were expecting sun-drenched fall days on a sandy warm beach only to be drenched by days of rain. Maybe you were expecting a certain port of call that was, well, called off. There are many ways that we trap ourselves by idealizing a vacation. Without creatively embracing the new vision, we miss opportunities for a different kind of refreshment. For us, three days of heavy rains turn into sighting of shorebirds unknown to those parts who were blown in by the storm, and a bike trip during a few-hours break from the rain on a windswept, magical storm-tossed marshland park.
A Feast of People. We’ve all had those vacations; the beachhouse bacchanalias of our youth, or the big extended family trips with cousins in every square foot of sleep space. Or, a cruise filled with meeting new people, or a group destination tour. These experiences can be cherished for not only a chance of better knowing the people dear to you, but of sifting through varying human natures to learn more about yourself. (This attitude can be especially helpful when putting a group of people together causes conflicts that must be endured, at least until the vacation ends!) You can come away from a vacation like this with a completely different outlook on your life, your work, and the people you love.
A Solo Journey. Most of us don’t make many of these, but everyone should be tuned in to the need at some point in your life when you’re ready. You can make it an organized retreat with structured meditation, hiking or activities with people you don’t know, or simply create your favorite solo experience, camping, a hotel or B& B, or a house-sitting for a friend. These solo trips can be disconcerting for those of us used to always having people around, but once you tune into yourself, you will want to have paper, journals, computer, paint brush or paints–whatever is the best way to express yourself. Once you settle into solitude, your inner self will be itching to come out.
Stay Put and Rest. There are times your body tells you its simply needs to BE. These vacations can be helpful for recovering from family crises, work overload, health issues — there are many reasons we need to learn to be still. Do not be tempted to do things for the sake of “being on vacation” when your soul tells you, it needs to be quiet. Walk quietly, sleep, read, meditate. It will refresh you in ways you never dreamed.
Today’s guest blogger, Linda Norris-Waldt is a writer, journalist and sustainability advocate who is a committed member of the Wholistic Woman community and a believer in self reflection and life coaching. Her business is NW Communications.
by Carol deLaski | Oct 12, 2016 | Guest Blogging
Your personal brand is your unique promise of value. Delivering excellence is about setting a high standard for yourself and focusing on getting as good as you can possibly be over time. Ultimately, it is inward focused.
When it comes to my work, the amount of time, effort and energy I put in determines my end result. Since my work is important to me, I give my best effort. I want my work deliverables to be high-quality and valuable since they are an extension of my personal brand. For me, putting my all into my work shows that I care which is key to developing my personal brand.
Having the desire to produce excellence is key for women in leadership who want to proactively drive their careers. Here are a few behaviors demonstrated by successful female leaders that can help you advance your excellence and build your brand as you contribute to your organization’s success.
Believe and visualize your future achievements as a way of preparing for your future success. Imagine yourself already in your next level role. Then, envision what you want to do and focus on how to get there. Map out your personal leadership growth strategy – assess your skills, share your interests, seek out a mentor, and discover new ways to elevate your unique strengths in service to others.
Seize opportunities to contribute to your organization’s success. Make an impact in business and deliver your personal brand excellence.
Be willing to get out of your comfort zone and put yourself out there, even if it instills fear. Author, Tom Peters, who wrote In Search Of Excellence, said “If a window of opportunity appears, don’t pull down the shade.” Be courageous and learn to overcome fear to fulfill your potential.
There are opportunities to lead, demonstrate your value and expand your success for anyone who wants to take them. Keep yourself focused and your personal brand development on track by taking small steps daily toward seeking mastery as a leader and focus on being as extraordinary as YOU can be.
Today’s author, Heather Nunley is an Executive Coach and Leadership Consultant who specializes in working with organizational leaders and teams to leverage their brilliance and design a better way to work. Brilliance Work provides executive coaching, interactive workshops, executive roundtables and various customized consulting programs for organizations.
If you’d like to hear more from Heather, she will be co-leading, Be Unique, a Wholistic Woman Retreats event being held on October 26th in Frederick, MD. For details on this event, click here. Hope you will consider joining us!
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