by Carol deLaski | May 7, 2015 | Happiness, Kelye Rouse-Brown
I have been studying Positive Psychology since June of 2014. The recommended book I have been reading is “The How of Happiness” by Sonya Lyubomirsky. In her book, Sonya explains the 3 parts of happiness in the form of a pie – 50% of your happiness pie is set by your genetics, 10% by your life circumstances and 40% is made up of your intentional activities to be happy. In essence you have the power to change and be happier. This research by Lyubomirsky is so empowering to know.
To make the statistics less scientific and more relatable, I translated her pie chart to pieces of pie in my life:
- Genetics are like Rhubarb Pie – Tradition
- Life Circumstances are like Lemon Pie – Tart
- Intentional Activities are like Blueberry Pie – Mindfulness
Over the past decade plus I have been especially interested in learning more about genetics and how it impacts our make-up and life. In “The How of Happiness”, Sonya Lyubomirsky says that you have a gene set point from your biological mother or father or both. Having genetic testing done myself, I learned I have my mother’s genes. From age 2 to age 5, I had kidney issues that put me in the hospital every 6 months. My mom said I used to go to the hospital and say to the nurses and doctors, “Here I am.” It sounds a little like Johnny Carson’s introduction, but she said I had a pretty sunny disposition despite the health issues. Much later in life, in my late 30’s, my mother and I were diagnosed with the BRCA1 (breast cancer) gene mutation. I understand the research that 50% of your genes are who you are and my early breast cancer detection confirmed that. While preparing for the testing, my mom and I reviewed our family tree to better understand our history. My mother’s mom had breast cancer, my mom had ovarian cancer and lived beyond her prognosis. One doctor said my mom was “beyond science.” I believe my mom’s humor, positivity and sunny outlook are what kept her “beyond science” – and those ‘mother’ genes attribute to my 50% of happiness.
Why does rhubarb pie come to mind for genetics?
Growing up, our neighbors used to always give us rhubarb from their garden and we made pie. The rhubarb pie grew on me as a family tradition and stays with me from my past. It’s pleasant to think of my roots and rhubarb.
Rhubarb may not be what I would choose in life now, but it was what my mother made. What pie do you think of that reminds you of your heritage or past?
Why does lemon pie come to mind for life circumstances?
I had breast cancer, a life circumstance that fortunately I was more prepared for due to my genetic testing. My cancer was detected at Stage 0 – it doesn’t get much better than that! This doesn’t impact my happiness negatively, but it was tart like a lemon pie. This was a big event, but this doesn’t take up much of my happiness pool. I have amazing support and educate woman about the benefits of genetic testing to be proactive and deal with a life situation the best you can.
My life circumstance I describe was health and there are many more examples. What bitter sweet or sweet treat do you think of when you examine a life circumstance, positive or not so positive?
Why does blueberry pie come to mind for intentional activity?
Blueberries are healthy and good for you. They help with your memory and mindfulness. I can take health matters in my own hand. Just imagine if I eat more blueberries I can make a shift to a more positive life style, up to 40 %. That is a huge chunk of your life to work on the ‘Be Whole’ pie – the best thing you can do for yourself and those around you is be mindful about the choices you make – like eating Blueberry pie.
How are you mindful of your activities to enjoy the best of life and be happy? If you are not sure, try blueberries.
Focus on your favorite piece of the whole pie and don’t settle for less. My life has been rhubarb, lemon and blueberries wrapped into one and how sweet it is to know I can live wholeheartedly 40% of the time and appreciate 60% of what has shaped who I am today.
Are you interested in knowing more about positive psychology and how you can impact your own happiness? Then come on out to Be Positive on May 27th at Jo Jo’s to explore more of the pie of happiness. Click here for details
Today’s author: Kelye Rouse-Brown, CHA, CHT is a business owner, joint venture partner, HR expert, certified coach and training professional. Her 3 components: Educate, Motivate, and Cultivate are what help her clients develop, spark action and grow a successful career/business and life. Kelye can be reached at 301-371-9300 or by visiting her website: krbtrainingsoulutions.com
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by Carol deLaski | Apr 29, 2015 | Laura Hall
Wholistic Woman Retreats (WWR) is a community of women who are interested in personal and professional growth. WWR is run and led by a team of mid-atlantic area professional coaches who provide skillful leadership aimed at teaching and guiding women to greater fulfillment through retreats, workshops, and speaking engagements. WWR has recently added an affiliate coach program to what they have to offer. This program is designed to support professional coaches who want to be part of a supportive, nurturing team. It is also designed to be a place where the woman looking to work with a professional coach can go to find the one that will best fit her needs.
Today we want to introduce you to Liz King, one of our new affiliate coaches. What follows is a question and answer dialog with Liz to help you get to know her.
Tell us a little bit about yourself.
I am married to a wonderful, loving, and extremely supportive husband. He and my two beautiful and energetic step daughters add so much joy to my life. We have recently settled in Frederick after moving around the majority of our lives and both feel like we are home here. Besides my family and faith, the three things that get me most excited in life are traveling, running, and helping women get healthy. I have managed to combine these passions over the last 15 years through my work coaching and teaching women and youth both internationally and locally.
I have been formally coaching for five years although I’ve spent most of my professional life in this capacity without realizing that it was an actual profession. Before I began coaching, I spent six years working internationally for humanitarian aid and missions organizations. I taught English and Biblical studies in many African and Asian countries, and provided awareness training and after care for women and children enslaved in human trafficking. I still have a part of my heart in Africa and hope to be able to travel there once again in the near future.
Why did you decide to become an affiliate coach with Wholistic Woman Retreats?
From the very first time I took part in a WWR event, I felt I belonged in this community. I loved the encouraging, motivating, and honest atmosphere I experienced at the Be Courageous Retreat I attended. Since then I have been able to get to know the coaches personally and discovered that the mission of WWR is upheld by each one of them personally and professionally, and their heart’s desire is to see women become whole. This is very close to my heart and in line with my professional mission. It just felt like a natural fit. I believe collaboration is essential to growth and couldn’t imagine missing an opportunity to work alongside all of the inspiring women of the Wholistic Woman Community.
Have you found your One Word for 2015? If so, what is it and what does it mean to you?
My One Word for 2015 is FAITH. Each day we encounter opportunities to take a leap of faith; to take risks and challenge ourselves to step out of our comfort zone into the unknown. Sometimes these are very large leaps and sometimes they are small steps. However, both take an element of courage and for me that courage comes from my personal faith that God has my back. My word is challenging me to look for opportunities each day to be a little uncomfortable, to do something I know I should do, even if it is not easy. I am confident that in doing this, it will bring growth in my life as well as hold the potential to help others. I make the choice to put my faith in God on a daily basis and to walk out the things I believe He is calling me to do, even when they are scary. I like the quote, “Do It Afraid” because it reminds me that courage is not the absence of fear, but it is triumphing over it by doing it afraid. I am growing my faith muscle by facing my fears and by taking on challenges.
Our group is for “women on the grow”. Where are you growing? How has your involvement with Wholistic Woman Retreats impacted this?
I am growing in my practice of rejecting perfectionism. This, I’m finding, has been a life long journey. One I have done really well at in some seasons and very poorly other times. However, I have recently discovered the freedom in rejecting the voices that try to enforce perfectionism in my daily life. This is a daily battle and one that I find the more I rely on God’s strength and grace in my life becomes a little more doable. It requires replacing destructive thoughts with positive and encouraging self-talk…I am working on this daily.
What is a really good piece of advice you’ve received that you continue to use today?
To acknowledge my blessings out loud every morning before I get out of bed.
To live each day as if it was your last.
To ask myself, “If I knew I couldn’t fail, what would I do with my life?”
Tell us about your coaching practice…What’s your niche? Who is your ideal client? How can people find you if they’d like to work with you?
I work with women of all ages to help her create healthy lives through mental, physical, and spiritual wholeness. This looks differently for every client and I enjoy coming alongside each woman at the point in her journey where she has decided it is time to get healthy and to reach her personal or professional goals. I love helping women discover her potential, whether through personal training where she learns that working out is actually fun, or coaching her through a life transition where she learns she is stronger and more capable than she thought.
Women can visit my website: www.coaching4her.com to find out more information. They can also email me at [email protected] or call (240) 397-6437 with any specific questions or for more information.
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by Carol deLaski | Apr 8, 2015 | Laura Hall, Personal Development
I believe a great subtitle for this blog could be, ‘Daring Greatly’ because, if you are anything like me, speaking your truth and asking for what you need can feel very risky. However, if you want to show up, be seen and live brave™ in your life, learning how to speak your truth and to ask for what you need are skills you are going to want to cultivate and develop.
I came to realize how important this was during my first year of marriage.
My first year of marriage was not what I expected. Without going into too much detail and oversharing in such a public forum, suffice it to say that my needs weren’t being met, but I didn’t know how to speak that truth and ask for what I needed. I was afraid! I was afraid that if I spoke my truth I would hurt my husband’s feelings. I worried about how ‘my truth’ would affect my new marriage. I was full of self doubt and self criticism. The thoughts that swirled around in my head were…you must be crazy, the first year is supposed to be fun and easy, what’s wrong with you!
I tried to talk to my husband but was not having much success. In hindsight, I now know that the reason I wasn’t having much success is because I was only speaking half truths, and I myself wasn’t clear on what I needed.
I knew we needed help!
So we got it! We starting seeing a marriage counselor. Her name was Mary and to this day, 24 years later, Bill and I both give her credit in helping us create the amazing marriage we have today.
Through working with her I learned that I needed to practice being vulnerable about how I was feeling. Yes, talking about how I was feeling was scary. There was uncertainty about how it was going to be received and I felt emotionally exposed. Brené Brown, author of Daring Greatly, defines vulnerability as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. This ‘speaking your truth and asking for what you need’ thing is the definition of being vulnerable!
So, how do we do it?
I’ve been practicing since those early days of my marriage, and here is what I’ve learned along the way:
1. Clarity is vital – get really clear about your truth and what you need. There are lots of ways to do this. My two favorite methods are journaling and talking to a trusted friend. Journaling allows you to gather your thoughts and feelings and to look at them more objectively. “Is this really true for me?” is the question I ask myself as I’m putting my thoughts on paper.
When it comes to talking to my friends I reach out to friends that I know are going to offer me other ways of looking at the situation. In these conversations, I’m not looking for my friends to agree with everything I’m saying but rather to challenge me with such questions as, “Do you “really believe that?”, or “Have you considered how this looks from a different perspective?”. Fortunately, I’ve surrounded myself with trusted friends who know they can challenge me to look at my beliefs and truth test them so to speak.
2. Timing matters – wait for your reaction to subside so you can choose your response. This lesson has been a game changer in so many areas of my life and I call it, ‘pushing the pause button’. Pushing the pause button involves waiting until my reactive self – the part of me that is angry, frustrated, hurt, etc. – has settled and my more responsive self has shown up. Sometimes this happens in moments, sometimes hours, and sometimes days or even weeks. When I speak out of reaction it feels out of control and oftentimes I say things I don’t mean vs when I wait until the storm has settled I can speak my truth and ask for what I need from a calmer place and this always leads to clearer communication.
3. Avoid blame – have you ever noticed how big of a problem defensiveness can be in hindering communication? To avoid this, practice using “I” statements instead of “you” statements. “I” statements allow you to take ownership of your feelings, while “you” statement point the finger at the other person and this can lead to them getting defensive.
A friend of mine recently told me that she has a sign in her office that says, “Speak your truth, even if your voice shakes”. I love this!!!! I think it sums up the idea that speaking our truth and asking for what we need can be an uncomfortable thing to do but in the long run its the only way to live an authentic life. So, here’s to Daring Greatly one truth at a time! ~ Laura
PS. If you’d like a little help practicing this, please consider joining me at Wholistic Woman Retreats next ‘Be You’ event. The topic is ‘Be Daring’ and I will be presenting. For details and registration information, click here
Where in your life do you want to Show up, Be Seen and Live Brave™? As a certified professional coach since 2009, Laura Hall has been helping people just like you make changes in their lives. As a mother of 2 girls, Laura has a special interest in coaching parents, so if you still have children living at home, ask Laura about her Wholehearted Parenting programs. Laura can be reached via email at [email protected] or feel free to visit her website HallCoaching.com
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by Carol deLaski | Mar 26, 2015 | Carol deLaski, Courage
What does being brave mean to you?
Does it evoke heroic images of courageous acts done by special people?
Is it a word that you use to describe yourself at times?
At a recent Wholistic Woman Retreat, we explored the topic of bravery. We learned that it occurs in the little moments of life as well as in more pivotal moments.
Bravery occurs each time we step out of our comfort zones. When we overcome our fears enough to try a new activity or have a difficult conversation, we are being brave.
Perhaps, like me, you’ve noticed there is a dance that we do between fear and doubt and trust and faith. Much like a dance, whether we move gracefully or awkwardly between them depends upon how much practice we’ve had. Learning how to replace my doubts with trust becomes a key factor in my ability to be brave and try new ways of being or thinking.
One arena where I have had the opportunity to practice these dance moves repeatedly was when writing my book. Like many others, I always thought I would write a book one day, but I really didn’t know how or when I would do it. Upon returning from a transformative trip to Europe, however, I suddenly knew it was time to write my book.
Uncertainty and self-doubt arose with thoughts of… I don’t know how. Who will read it? Who am I to write a book? Others are more qualified than me.
When I listened to these inner voices of doubt, I could feel my courage shrinking and a strong urge to play it safe grew within me.
I knew that the way to move from fear to trust would be through loving-kindness. As Brené Brown teaches in the Daring Way™, the two most important seats in any life arena are empathy and self-compassion. When we change our inner voice from ‘the critic’ to one of a friend, we shift our energy and create forward movement.
I changed my inner tape to one of encouragement with…who am I to ignore my call to write? If I only touch one person with my book it will be worth it. Normal people like me have stories worth telling.
This new perspective released the hold fear had upon me and I began to write my story. I wasn’t sure how it would turn out but trusted that if I did my part the purpose of my work would be revealed.
Doubts soon re-surfaced, however, and I began to see that this dance between fear and trust is repeated continuously when we are being brave. Moving away from fear is not a one-time activity. We have the opportunity to practice it over and over again.
While in the midst of writing my book one day my fingers raced across the keyboard and the words poured out of me. I paused to review what I had just written and was surprised to see ‘three beliefs for faith-based living’. I was so intent on letting the words flow out of me that I hadn’t consciously constructed these beliefs. They were a culmination of many thoughts within me, yet I also felt that they had come through me from a source bigger than myself. My heart resonated with these beliefs, but doubt and fear once again appeared in my mind.
The inner critic questioned the 3 beliefs with thoughts of…what will people think? I’m not an expert. Who am I to write this? It’s too simple. People will laugh…or ridicule…or judge me. Don’t be a fool and let people know what you believe.
As these thoughts swirled within me I could feel the enthusiasm for writing my story starting to shrink. The urge to play it safe returned, and I was tempted to revise the beliefs or even to take them out of the book entirely. It felt vulnerable to include them and I was frightened to voice my perspectives so boldly and risk being judged.
Feeling stuck in uncertainty, I once again knew that the way to move from self-limiting fear into action was through trust and faith. The dance move needed to replace my self-defeating thinking was self-compassion.
I began with…you can do this. You don’t have to be an expert to others; you are an expert about your own beliefs. And, if you don’t say it…who will?
This new perspective released the logjam of my self-doubt and I resumed writing.
This pattern continued to repeat itself throughout the entire project. I seemed to do a daily dance between doubt and trust and subsequently practiced overcoming limiting thoughts in many small ways. It was the large fears, however, that would stop me in my tracks and freeze my forward momentum.
Such as when I invited feedback on my manuscript from people who knew me, as well as from cold readers (people who had never met me). I bravely reviewed their comments each time in an effort to improve the book. There were times that the critical voices from others resonated with my inner critic and the two seemed to have a field day inside my head.
Such thoughts deteriorated my physical and emotional energy and I would be tempted to give up thinking…this is just too hard.
At times I couldn’t hear my own voice of self-compassion and I needed to hear words of kindness and encouragement from others. I welcomed positive feedback from loved ones, and even more so when the feedback came from strangers whose honest encouragement wasn’t driven by a concern for my feelings.
Statements such as…I can relate to your story. I couldn’t put the book down. I’ve been through similar experiences. I’m thinking about the questions you ask and have been growing because of them.
These affirmations lifted my spirit and helped me to be brave enough to take an honest look at the critical feedback, and use it to revise and improve the work overall.
Today, because I have learned this dance between fear/doubt and trust/faith, I have a finished book and its companion journal. This would not have been possible if it weren’t for the courage to continually practice the dance moves of loving-kindness, compassion, and empathy rather than doubt and fear.
Fear is such an integral part of life that I know I will always be involved in this waltz. With each rendition I recognize feelings of vulnerability more readily, and the subsequent urge to shrink and play it safe, quiet, and small. I hear my inner critic and then consciously choose to counter it with self-compassionate thoughts of encouragement. And if my attempts to talk to myself like a dear friend are not enough to change my energy, then I remember that I can rely on the compassion of others, and on a loving God, to rebalance my perspective.
What arena of your life is beckoning you to be brave and to move beyond your fear?
As you seek to overcome those doubts, try being compassionate with yourself.
Won’t you join me in this dance of being brave?
Carol deLaski is an author, speaker, and professional coach. Her books, Lost and Found: Discovering Strength in Love and Faith and the Lost and Found Companion Journal are available at www.caroldelaski.com. If you would like information on retreats, workshops, or coaching groups based on the book contact Carol via email: [email protected]
The Be Brave Retreat based on Dr. Brené Brown’s Daring Way™ program was recently presented by Wholistic Woman Retreats. If you would like information on bringing this retreat, or others, to your group or area please write to [email protected]
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by Carol deLaski | Mar 18, 2015 | Kelye Rouse-Brown, Self-Care
Red, red wine and feeling fine… but there is more to the story. A recent business trip took me to the beautiful rolling hills of Napa and Sonoma Wine country. The first part of my trip was business related, but once the work was done, my niece and and I were able to visit some of the areas wineries and partake in wine tasting. When tasting wine you learn to “see, swirl, sniff, sip and savor” the wine. What struck me on this visit was how using these techniques can also apply to life.
When enjoying a glass of wine, you start with “see”. You pour the wine into the glass and evaluate the color. There are a lot of grapes out there so you can imagine how many colors you can see with every bottle. People are a lot like grapes, not one grape is exactly the same just like no one person is exactly the same.
Next, you “swirl” your glass. Swirling increases the oxygen which allows the wine to release its bouquet and aromas. The lesson I took from this is that we should swirl and move more to get our oxygen flowing so we can appreciate the beauty and enjoy the smell around us.
Next comes “sniff” or smell. This is one of the most important steps. The first, second and third sniffs smell different. You can get more information sniffing the wine and should take little dog sniffs, not big long sniffs. In life this is helpful too – with more “sniffs” or information you get more clarity and satisfaction out of people and situations.
Now it gets really fun, it’s time to “sip” the wine. Generally we perceive three wine tastes: sweet, bitter and sour. As I sipped, I tried to pay attention to the overall taste as it lingered in my mouth. I have experienced sweet, bitter and sour relationships. Oftentimes in relationships you don’t know what’s going to show up and knowing these differences can help you be more prepared.
It seems we can learn a thing or two from drinking a glass of wine (red wine is my favorite) especially if we slow down enough and appreciate the process.
As I take the time to reflect on my recent trip, I’m realizing I learned a lot from my wine tasting experience. Here are some personal learning lessons I’m taking with me:
- See what is in front of you. Not only did I enjoy the color of the grapes I drank, I also enjoyed seeing my niece and how much she has grown up. Yes, we are both aging, but just like I can enjoy a fully matured wine, I was able to see our aging process as beautiful.
- Swirl for movement. We smiled a little more on this trip as we watched our wine “dance”. Swirling is important! We are meant to move. It invigorates whatever it is we are doing.
- Sniff to breathe in life. Stopping to smell “the roses” along the way is important in life. It helps us fully experience the beauty all around.
- Sip to slow down. In life this translates to lingering more and rushing less. It’s about relaxing and enjoying the moment. I definitely experienced this in California.
- Savor the moment. Spending time with my niece was a truly enjoyable experience. While we didn’t always agree on our favorite wine, we did agree that the moments we spent together were amazing. During the tastings, we learned to trust our own palate. This too can be applied to life. Trust yourself to know what’s best for you – you are the expert of your own life. And in my opinion, if you want to truly savor your experience, add chocolate. It make everything more savory!When I returned from California this time (and I have visit many times), I put the “pairing” of wine and life together for the first time. I thought, if we can pause, see what’s in front of us, swirl enough to enjoy the next step and smell the aroma, life can be so much more.
Today’s author: Kelye Rouse-Brown, CHA, CHT is a business owner, joint venture partner, HR expert, certified coach and training professional. Her 3 components: Educate, Motivate, and Cultivate are what help her clients develop, spark action and grow a successful career/business and life. Kelye can be reached at 301-371-9300 or by visiting her website: krbtrainingsoulutions.com
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by Carol deLaski | Feb 25, 2015 | Guest Blogging, Laura Hall
Wholistic Woman Retreats (WWR) is a community of women who are interested in personal and professional growth. We believe that growth is best fostered in an environment where supporting one another and being committed to the practice of self care are the norms. This is what we stand for, and we attract women who understand this. The women who make up our membership are an amazing group, and we want to introduce them to you. With that goal in mind, today’s blog is based on an interview I had with WWR member, Beth Mende Conny. So let’s go…let’s meet Beth!
Beth became a WWR member in October of 2014. She is a writer and the president of Write Directions. When you think of Beth, think of books! As she told me, “I help people write and build their businesses through books. So many people have a book inside of them and it’s my joy to help them give it shape and substance.”
In talking with her, it was obvious how much pleasure she gets from helping people make their writing and book dreams come true. She offers classes, coaching and inspiration. If you’d like to know more about Beth’s business or have a writing project in mind, I encourage you to visit her website, WriteDirections.com. She offers a free 20-minute consultation.
The first WWR event Beth attended was our 2014 Be Strong retreat at ThorpeWood in Thurmont, MD. The experience was a wonderful one, she said, and led to her decision to become a WWR member. She sees it as a great way to create balance in her life.
When it comes to One Word, Beth enjoys the concept but has found it challenging. She jokes that being a writer makes choosing a single word difficult because she doesn’t want to exclude others, particularly over the course of an entire year. And so she has modified the One Word concept so that she can change her word as her situation and growth requires. When I interviewed her, her word was “Learn.” It is now “Clear.” Beth says “Clear” has several meanings for her: to clear clutter and negative thoughts from her life, to be clear in her intentions and to look at the world more clearly.
As a woman on the grow, Beth is experiencing growth in several areas. She is very excited about the growth she is noticing in her personal life. In Beth’s words, “I’m finding that I’m walking through family situations with greater ease and grace. There is something different in my energy; I feel more engaged.”
When asked about a piece of good advice that she has received along her life journey that she continues to use today, Beth talked about not fighting things but rather being in the moment and being with the experience. For her, it is about leaning in and seeing what happens. She has found that this has led to a gentle stretching of her own boundaries.
So, the next time you see Beth at one of our events, you will know a little more about her. I hope you will feel comfortable introducing yourself to her as I know she’d love to meet you too!
Come meet other women like Beth at our next retreat, Be Brave, being held March 13th and 14th in Frederick Maryland. For details about our next retreat, click here.
Beth was interviewed for this blog by Laura Hall. Laura Hall is an iPEC certified life coach whose business, Hall Coaching, was established in 2009 with the vision of waking women up from the nightmares of “How did I get here?” and, “Is this as good as it gets?”, so that they can begin creating and living the life of their real dreams, hopes and desires. She offers both one on one as well as group coaching services. She can be reached at [email protected] or check out her website at www.hallcoaching.com
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