by Carol deLaski | Feb 9, 2015 | Carol deLaski, Personal Development, Professional Development, Success
5 Reasons Why It’s Important
If I were to ask you what your strengths are, what would you say?
Would the question challenge you to speak honestly about your good qualities…make you feel uncomfortable…or both? Or would you wonder, what’s the point, and dismiss the question as irrelevant?
If you find it difficult to ‘toot your own horn’ and say aloud what makes you special… you are not alone. In fact, many of us don’t know what our strengths are in the first place, much less how to talk about them in a confident and non-egotistical manner.
In my work as a personal and professional development coach I hear many responses to this question about strengths awareness. I have identified five reasons as to why it is important that we know our own strengths – those inner qualities that make us unique.
Strengths awareness helps you to:
- Know and accept yourself – Some of us don’t recognize that our unique qualities (even our idiosyncrasies) can be our strengths. We take these characteristics for granted and minimize them with statements such as Oh, that’s just me being me or I’ve always been that way. We often dismiss our strengths and perhaps actively hide them. We may have been told, at some point in our lives, that our way of being is not acceptable or good enough. Perhaps having a natural tendency to be sensitive, social, or competitive has been minimized or criticized by the influential people in our lives…so we have learned to hide these characteristics. When you accept and develop your ‘different-ness’ it can become an asset that moves a specific team or organization towards their goals. Your contribution is unique….and is valuable for exactly that reason. Strengths awareness helps you to recognize and embrace who you are at your core.
- Stay motivated and energized – Have you ever noticed that when you’re doing what you love that time seems to fly by? Hours pass in what feels like minutes because you are pursuing your passion. You’re doing what comes naturally to you and when you’ve completed the task, you realize that even though you may be physically tired you are full of an inner energy, enthusiasm, and sense of accomplishment. The reason for this phenomenon is that by using your strengths you are fed on a deep level. You are in alignment with your purpose when you use your unique gifts and talents. In contrast, when we try to force ourselves to do what does not come naturally we tend to be sluggish. This low energy causes us to procrastinate and delay engaging in those activities. This doesn’t excuse us from doing tasks that aren’t in our strengths spectrum. In those instances, however, we can recognize why we are de-motivated and re-frame the task by using our strengths or partner with someone who has a passion for that task. Strengths help us to create more motivation and energy.
- Release the need to be good at everything – Our educational and employment systems encourage (and sometimes insist) that we are well-rounded and good at many things. The truth is that we can’t be good at everything, but we can excel at certain things. When we focus on what we naturally do well and develop those talents and skills further, we release the pressure to excel in all areas. When we stop comparing ourselves to others and release the need to be like someone else, it frees us to develop our unique abilities. Authors Rath and Conchie, in their book Strengths-based Leadership, state “If you spend your life trying to be good at everything, you will never be great at anything. While our society encourages us to be well-rounded, this approach inadvertently breeds mediocrity.” I believe that when you step into your strengths you step into your greatness.
- Recognize your partners – When you accept that you don’t have to be good at everything and commit to developing your natural abilities, the areas where you don’t excel become apparent. An honest look at strengths means an honest look at the gaps, or weaknesses, as well. Recognizing the gaps in our abilities may be uncomfortable, but it is necessary to develop successful partnerships. Individuals may not be well-rounded but the most successful teams are. Knowing your strengths helps you become clear about the characteristics that are needed to balance you in order to produce the best results at work and at home. For example, technology is a necessity for my business and day-to-day living, but it is not one of my strengths. I rely on others with IT skills and a passion to help people like me in order to use technology effectively. Knowing your strengths helps you to identify your gaps and the complementary partnerships that are necessary for your success.
- Manage your strengths for better results – It is one thing to be able to name our strengths and quite another thing to know how to use them consciously to bring about desirable results. Self-management is about learning how to modulate your strengths so that they are serving you effectively. Like turning the heat up or down on the stove, we can dial our strengths up or back when necessary to get the results we need. Without strengths awareness we may neglect to establish appropriate boundaries leading us into challenging situations where we override others with too much of a good thing. For example, someone with the strength of Responsibility will quite naturally take on tasks to help move a project towards completion. This is a great quality, however, without healthy boundaries this strength can lead to several danger zones. The responsible person may, in time, feel overly burdened leading to burn-out and/or feelings of martyrdom. Additionally, co-dependency can develop as s/he does tasks that someone else needs to be doing for themselves. Each and every strength has a positive and negative side; a way in which it serves us and a way in which it does not serve us. It’s important to know what our strengths look like when they go outside of healthy boundaries and how to restore balance when that happens. As we become more aware of our strengths the ability to effectively manage them increases significantly.
With these 5 reasons in mind I encourage you to know your strengths and use them wisely.
To quote one of my favorite books, ‘You are fearfully and wonderfully made’ ….in other words, you are Awesome! Embrace more fully who you are so that you can become all that you want to be. I wish you well on the journey to being your best!
Today’s author: Carol deLaski, PCC, is an author, speaker, and coach who specializes in strengths development for businesses and individuals. Feel free to email Carol with your comments or questions about strengths development ([email protected]) or attend an upcoming retreat to learn more about the Strengths approach to being your best self. You can hear Carol speak at Be Strong, an evening retreat, Confident Communication, a business luncheon program, and Be Brave a two day retreat. Details at www.caroldelaski.com.
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by Carol deLaski | Nov 12, 2014 | Carol deLaski, Gratitude
What do you do when you’re down-in-the-dumps and want to lift your spirits? A proven way to shift energy from the negative to the positive is to focus on being grateful. When you do so, you change your perspective from a scarcity-mentality to one of abundance. Asking yourself, What am I grateful for? is a ‘tried-and-true’ remedy for the doldrums.
There are other advantages to being grateful as well. Literature has recognized the benefits of cultivating gratefulness as a virtue for thousands of years. More recently, through the study of positive psychology, mental health professionals are examining how virtues such as gratitude may benefit our health….and what they are finding is promising.
When it comes to health, grateful people — those who consistently incorporate gratitude into their lives — have an edge on those who are not-so-grateful, according to research on gratitude conducted by Robert Emmons, a psychology professor at the University of California Davis.
“Grateful people take better care of themselves and engage in more protective health behaviors like regular exercise, a healthy diet, and regular physical examinations,” says Emmons.
Gratitude can also help us manage stress better.It’s commonly known that stress can make us sick, especially when we have trouble coping with it. Stress has been linked to many illnesses, such as heart disease and cancer. “Gratitude research is beginning to suggest that feelings of thankfulness have tremendous positive value in helping people cope with daily problems, especially stress,” Emmons says.
In addition, grateful people tend to be more optimistic and researchers are seeing how that characteristic boosts the immune system. “There are some very interesting studies linking optimism to better immune function,” says Lisa Aspinwall, PhD, a psychology professor at the University of Utah.
So, how do you become more grateful?
- Keep a gratitude journal and daily list 3 things which you are thankful for to focus on the positive.
- Offer thanks throughout the day much like a breath prayer. Expressing appreciation to others, or to God, as you receive anything from a parking space to a beautiful sunset creates a habit of gratitude. In time, this practice may allow you to find the good even in very difficult circumstances.
- Surround yourself with people who make a habit of being grateful. Their positive energy will be contagious and support you in your effort to be more appreciative.
Ladies, consider joining the Wholistic Woman Community for their annual gratitude dinner on Nov. 18th from 6-9 pm. This members-only event is a highlight of the year. If you aren’t a member yet, you may join for 2015 and attend this year’s dinner. Click here for details and to register by 11/14 to reserve your spot to this special occasion.
As you incorporate any or all of these steps to become more grateful, I encourage you to take them beyond Thanksgiving and make it a practice that you do throughout the year. Gratitude is a powerful tool for your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.
Today’s author: Carol deLaski, PCC, is a professional certified coach, speaker and author of Lost and Found: Discovering Strength in Love and Faith. You may contact her at [email protected].
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by Carol deLaski | Oct 1, 2014 | Carol deLaski, Retreats
What is a Labyrinth?
A labyrinth can be many things to many people. It may be used for relaxation, meditation, healing, spiritual guidance, reconnection within, awakening of creativity, self –empowerment, decision-making, celebration, and simply for the fun of it.It’s important to note that it is a spiritual practice and is not a magical tool. The process can be done as often as we like for body, heart, mind, and spiritual well-being.
It’s important to note that there is no right or wrong way to walk a labyrinth. A basic approach is to quiet the mind and open the heart. It has sometimes been called “body prayer” or walking meditation as we let go of thinking and move with intention. There is only one way in, and one way out. It isn’t a puzzle or maze to be solved so we can disengage from mental activity and simply be present.
It may be viewed as a metaphor for life’s journey – the path inward represents letting go of the cares of the world; the center is the place of transformation and illumination; the journey out represents the integration of the new self with the old as we seek to be whole.
How do I walk a Labyrinth?
There are several parts to walking a labyrinth which you may consider as you approach your experience. Feel free to adopt what feels best for you. Honor your own process.
Before you begin:
Consider how you want to feel the ground beneath your feet and decide if you will walk with or without shoes. At the entrance to the labyrinth, pause and open your senses as you center yourself with a few deep breaths. Acknowledge your coming meditative or spiritual journey with the labyrinth by perhaps closing your eyes, saying a prayer, bowing your head, waist, or knees and set the intention for your walk.
Possible Intentions:
- Why am I here?
- What physical, emotional, or soul need brings me here today?
- What do I need to let go of at this time to manifest the next step in my life?
- What do I need to bring into my life to take that next step?
- Ask for clarity on an important matter in your life.
- Ask for guidance in making an important decision.
- Ask to be awakened to the resources you need to manifest your soul’s desires.
- Harmonize with the energy of the labyrinth.
- Honor yourself for following your soul’s journey.
- Express gratitude for all that you have.
- Ask for nothing. Just listen.
Begin your Walk Inward:
The first step sets the pace for your walk. It can be fast or slow depending on your intention. Are you being spiritual, reflective, mindful, playful, creative, or something else? If you’re problem solving, your walk becomes a meditation when you surrender all your problems and just walk. Other parts of you have now a chance to process your request of a solution. If you are very upset: fast walking releases those emotions easier. Most people try calming their mind by taking slow and deliberate steps.
Many use the inward journey to the center as a “letting go” – a quieting of the thoughts, worries, concerns, ‘what ifs’, and to-do lists. Try to keep your mind open, and release thoughts each time they arise. Concentrate on the placement of one foot before the other and rhythmic, gentle and regular breathing.
If the intention of your walk is to solve a problem, walk as if you didn’t have the problem…let it go. Surrender to the activity of attentive walking. Let your burdens fall off your shoulders and allow the various parts of your being to process your wish for a solution. Let it incubate and try not to interfere or direct a solution. Let go of any expectations.
If you’re walking for a spiritual connection or to seek creative inspiration….again, let go of expectations and surrender to the experience of mindful walking.
At the Center:
The rosette in the middle is where you ‘let in’ the answers and blessings that are meant for you. Pause at the center of the labyrinth for as long or short as you like. You may stay here awhile in the posture of your choosing; stand, sit, lay down, do a yoga pose, bow, reach your hands upwards….whatever feels best for you. You may want to say a prayer, reflect, meditate, listen for answers and deeper revelations, or express gratitude depending on the intention of your walk. Take all the time you need as you move through your inner process. Quietly receive what is meant for you.
Walking Outward:
When you are ready, accept what you have received, and begin walking deliberatively outward. Allow the insights and gifts you’ve been given to integrate into your heart and soul. As you move back into your life be empowered by the connection you have received through your body, heart, mind and spirit. Invite it to transform your life and move you along your path to wholeness. Express gratitude for what you have received in the way that feels best to you.
Exiting:
When you exit the labyrinth you may want to continue walking, reflecting and praying, or take time to sit and journal about your experience. Do what you need to absorb the benefits of your experience.
If labyrinth walking interests you, you are invited to experience it with the Wholistic Woman community on Oct 4th when we will take a day trip to Bon Secours Retreat Center. You will have the opportunity to walk the labyrinth, in the way that is best for you. Afterwards, there will be time to explore the grounds and enjoy the Peace Garden and a picnic lunch with this supportive community of women. Click here for details or write to [email protected]
Today’s author: Carol deLaski, PCC, is a speaker and coach who provides Strengths-Based Development Programs for individuals and businesses. She is also the author of Lost and Found: Discovering Strength in Love and Faith. You may contact her at: [email protected]
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by Carol deLaski | Aug 28, 2014 | Carol deLaski, Retreats
Do you ever have trouble quieting your mind? Is life so full of activities and obligations that you find it hard to settle down and be calm? At times, I can feel overly busy and in need of some peace and quiet. Can you relate?
When I feel stressed, I know that I need to unplug and focus my attention within. This can take place as a quick meditative moment when I pause and appreciate the beauty of nature, or listen to a song that touches my heart, or just simply close my eyes and breathe mindfully. At other times I need more than just a moment and I turn to different ways to settle my body, heart, mind and spirit.
One way that I focus my attention within is to hold a special heart-shaped stone that has a spiral etched onto its surface. It fits perfectly into the palm of my hand and the weight of its solidness is somehow comforting as I hold it. When I gaze at the spiral in this stone I am reminded of a labyrinth.
The path of a labyrinth is also in the shape of a spiral. When I walk a labyrinth, I feel as if I am traveling inward to my core. Whether I walk meditatively, joyously, or thoughtfully, when I reach the center, I linger to savor the experience before mindfully walking outward…back into the world.
Labyrinth walking is an ancient practice used by many different faiths for spiritual centering, prayer, or contemplation. As I walk the labyrinth inward, I connect with my intuition, to that inner wisdom that is uniquely my own. Then as I walk the spiral outward I prepare to take that insight into my life. For me, a labyrinth symbolizes the balancing act between being and doing. As I center myself I am focused and present. Then, when I return to my daily activities I am stronger and better able to handle the challenges before me.
How do you walk a labyrinth?
Before I begin my walk, I consider how I want to approach the experience. I may want to connect with feelings of joy or gratitude as I move forward. Or perhaps I have a problem that is weighing heavy on my mind or heart. If so, I may set the intention to receive guidance about that problem as I enter the labyrinth. I state the problem, take a few mindful breaths, and then walk the spiraled path inward towards its center. Clearing my mind of all thoughts and releasing the need to solve the problem, I practice being receptive and open to answers that arise through my heart and spirit. I allow imagery, creativity, and intuition, to lead me and I let go of thinking.
Labyrinths are sometimes confused with mazes. A maze has twists and turns, and dead ends. It is a puzzle to be solved and requires thinking and logic. By contrast, a labyrinth offers only one way in, and one way out, so you don’t have to think about anything as you walk. This makes it easier to let go of thoughts and to settle into your heart and spirit.
It’s important to remember that there is no right or wrong way to experience a labyrinth. The only choices to make are whether or not to enter it and how you would like to approach it. What attitude will accompany you on the walk? Will it be meditative, joyous, grateful, seeking, or perhaps prayerful? You may want to listen to music, recite a centering prayer or mantra, or focus on your breath as it goes in and out. The choice is yours. As you pay attention to your experience of this inward journey to your heart, be aware and open to the guidance that this centering exercise offers you. Be sure to let it settle into your being when you pause at the center of the labyrinth’s spiral and then bring this feeling with you as you walk the path outwards, back into life.
I believe that calmness and balance are within our reach when we practice being present with ourselves, and being receptive to the guidance that the Universe and God has to offer us. By letting go of busyness, and opening our hearts to receive inner wisdom, we can return to the activities of daily life clearer about our purpose and who we are.
If labyrinth walking interests you, you are invited to experience it with the Wholistic Woman community on Oct 4th when we will take a day trip to Bon Secours Retreat Center. You will have the opportunity to walk the labyrinth, in the way that is best for you. Afterwards, there will be time to explore the grounds and enjoy the Peace Garden and a picnic lunch with this supportive community of women. Click here for details or write to [email protected]
Today’s author: Carol deLaski, PCC, is a speaker and coach who provides Strengths-Based Development Programs for individuals and businesses. She is also the author of Lost and Found: Discovering Strength in Love and Faith. You may contact her at: [email protected].
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by Carol deLaski | Jul 7, 2014 | Carol deLaski, Courage, Fear
Harnessed by strong cables, I found myself in an unusual position high in the trees… facing upwards and glimpsing patches of blue sky. A team of eight women had pulled me into this position and awaited my decision to release the cord which would drop me into a free-fall swing through the tree tops. Butterflies swirled in my stomach and my breathing grew rapid as I allowed myself to fully experience this strange suspension in the air. Time felt suspended, too, as I savored this momentary mixture of calm and electrifying anticipation.
Encouragement from the women below wafted up to my ears and I knew I had the full support of my team. “You can do it!” and “Go for it!” let me know that they believed in me. They saw the courage and trust that it took to climb into this precarious position and knew the important role that they played in providing support as I took this well-calculated risk. I had given encouragement to them when they had been in this position and now it was my turn to receive it.
I held my breath for a moment, then with the thought Here goes, I pulled the cord. My body dropped several feet and the industrial-sized cables caught my weight and safely sent me soaring through the tree tops. A scream of excitement escaped my lips, followed by loud whoops of joy, as I swung back and forth high above the people cheering below. I felt like a school-girl as my legs pumped to keep the swinging movement going as long as possible before my turn ended.
When I came to a stop, I descended the ladder with a mile-wide grin and received hugs and pats-on-the-back as my team congratulated me. I enjoyed the sense of accomplishment that flowed from overcoming something that scared me.
You see, earlier that day I was uncertain if I would actually do the free-fall swing. It was similar to how I had felt about doing the zip line several years ago when it was first offered at a Wholistic Woman Retreat. With team support I had overcome that fear and had enjoyed the thrill of zip line rides several times since then. I had learned to love it. In a similar way, I decided to do the swing after watching other women successfully do it. I was so glad that I stepped out of my comfort zone and experienced it with this fun and supportive group of women.
What does it take for you to be brave and overcome your fears? Do you need the support and encouragement of others? Does it help to see other people going first so that you can observe the challenge before you step into it yourself? Do you want to know that it’s okay to express yourself in whatever way you need to… whether that means screaming, cursing, crying, or laughing? Do you need information to know that you are safe? What helps you to be courageous?
The truth is that we face our fears every day. Some of us are dealing with frightening medical diagnoses, wayward children, conditional love, issues with spouses, financial instability, loneliness, changing circumstances, crime, war, and the list goes on and on. How do we find the courage to face these challenges?
I’d like to suggest these three steps:
Identify the fear. This step is hard because it feels vulnerable to admit that we are afraid. However, it’s crucial that we name what scares us in order to begin releasing the hold it has over us.
Have a support team. Surround yourself with people who you trust and who are modeling brave behavior. They will inspire you to be more courageous and will applaud both your major and minor accomplishments.
Take small steps. Bravery grows every time you do something that scares you. For some of us that may be speaking in public, publishing a book, or trying a new physical challenge….our fears vary and are as unique as our fingerprints. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Do one thing every day that scares you.” Not to frighten yourself but to grow more confident and skillful at overcoming whatever is holding you back. Develop courage and resilience by facing and navigating your fears one small step at a time.
What step will you take today to practice being brave?
An Invitation:
On the evening of July 15th, at the Be Courageous Retreat from 5:30-8:30 pm, women will have the opportunity to Zip, Swing, and Leap out of their comfort zone.
Now that I’ve mastered my fear of the zip line and swing I look forward to doing them again for fun. This year I am anticipating the opportunity to do a new challenge: The Leap of Faith – jumping from the top of a telephone pole to a trapeze bar while attached to a safety line. I’m not sure if I’m going to do it yet and trust that I will make that decision when I’m there. Whether I am cheering others on or receiving support as I take the leap, I will be fully present and engaged with the experience. Either way will be fine. One of the things I love about this community of women is the permission to be myself. I am good enough just as I am, and so are you.
If you would like to try one, two, or all three of these physical challenges with the support of an encouraging group of women who are practicing being brave, then register by July 10th to secure your spot and plan to join us for a picnic dinner afterwards to celebrate your accomplishment!
Click here if you want to see two short videos of Coach Carol’s free-fall swing and the team support afterwards.
Today’s author: Carol deLaski, PCC, is a speaker, author, and coach specializing in strengths-based leadership development. She is also co-founder of Wholistic Woman Retreats which offers fun, enriching, and supportive events for women-on-the-grow. Write to her at [email protected] or visit her website: www.caroldelaski.com for more information about her speaking and coaching services.
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by Carol deLaski | Jun 11, 2014 | Business, Carol deLaski, Change, Professional Development
Do you ever struggle with balance…at work or at home? What would a healthy, interdependent, relationship with your co-workers or your life partner look like?
Interdependent may not be a word that we use very often, but I believe it holds the key to successful work and personal relationships. To me, it’s that sweet spot where we can rely on others and on ourselves in a healthy balanced way. It’s when we know what we need and can take care of ourselves…. but we also know when we need help, and who or what we need to complement or support us…. and we aren’t afraid to ask for that assistance. Interdependence may mean something different to you. Perhaps it is best understood by first looking at what it is not. We can learn about the delicate balance of interdependence by recognizing what it means to be overly dependent or overly independent.
Unhealthy dependency is recognizable when these three limiting beliefs appear in emotionally charged interactions.*
- When we believe that others have the power to make us feel good or bad;
- When we focus on another person’s needs as a substitute for our own needs;
- When we become preoccupied with getting another person to change in some way so that we can feel happy, loved, whole, comfortable, wanted, content, etc.
These limiting beliefs are red flags that we may be losing ourselves and relying too much on other people; giving our personal power away.
On the other end of the spectrum, there are different challenges that arise from being too independent; such as isolation, loneliness, fear, emotional distance and difficulty asking for help, to name a few.
I am familiar with both ends of this spectrum, and perhaps you are as well. There are often very good reasons why we go to these extremes, but we won’t get into that here. Instead, I want to ask: What have you found that brings you back to center when you get off balance? What course corrections do you make when you find that you’ve wandered into being overly independent or overly dependent?
For me, I’ve learned to restore balance with three practical steps: Stop, Look, and Listen. When you feel off balance in a professional or personal relationship, I suggest that you try these three steps.
Stop your habitual reactions: stop or slow down whatever reaction you normally do.
- If you typically withdraw, stay present.
- If you typically close your heart, try to say open.
- If you habitually withhold, disclose.
- If you tend to attack, take a deep breath and be still.
Look at yourself…not at the other person, and ask:
- What part of my reaction or perspective is keeping me defensive?
- What part of me is threatened in this situation?
- Am I feeling shame, humiliation, or embarrassment?
- What support do I need to tolerate this experience?
Listen deeply. Dive below the surface disturbance to connect with your core energy. Listen to the part of you that is unaffected and larger than your reaction. Return to the conversation more open and less attached to protecting yourself.
These three simple, yet powerful, steps help me pause and regroup when highly charged interactions occur. They interrupt my habitual reactions and allow me to engage with others in ways that can lead to healthy interdependence.
Give them a try the next time you find yourself off balance and out-of-sorts at work or at home. I suggest that you share your observations with someone else to give voice to your impressions and to cement your understanding.
Feel free to write to me or post a comment here. Look for more strategies on healthy interdependence in my next blog.
Good luck and I look forward to hearing from you!
Today’s author: Carol deLaski, PCC is a speaker, author, and coach specializing in strengths-based leadership coaching. Write to her at [email protected] or visit her website: www.caroldelaski.com for more information about her speaking and coaching services. You can learn more about interdependence in her book, Lost and Found: Discovering Strength in Love and Faith.
*Some of the material from this blog has been summarized from an excellent book on relationships, Undefended Love by Psaris and Lyons, which I highly recommend.
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