by Carol deLaski | Mar 26, 2015 | Carol deLaski, Courage
What does being brave mean to you?
Does it evoke heroic images of courageous acts done by special people?
Is it a word that you use to describe yourself at times?
At a recent Wholistic Woman Retreat, we explored the topic of bravery. We learned that it occurs in the little moments of life as well as in more pivotal moments.
Bravery occurs each time we step out of our comfort zones. When we overcome our fears enough to try a new activity or have a difficult conversation, we are being brave.
Perhaps, like me, you’ve noticed there is a dance that we do between fear and doubt and trust and faith. Much like a dance, whether we move gracefully or awkwardly between them depends upon how much practice we’ve had. Learning how to replace my doubts with trust becomes a key factor in my ability to be brave and try new ways of being or thinking.
One arena where I have had the opportunity to practice these dance moves repeatedly was when writing my book. Like many others, I always thought I would write a book one day, but I really didn’t know how or when I would do it. Upon returning from a transformative trip to Europe, however, I suddenly knew it was time to write my book.
Uncertainty and self-doubt arose with thoughts of… I don’t know how. Who will read it? Who am I to write a book? Others are more qualified than me.
When I listened to these inner voices of doubt, I could feel my courage shrinking and a strong urge to play it safe grew within me.
I knew that the way to move from fear to trust would be through loving-kindness. As Brené Brown teaches in the Daring Way™, the two most important seats in any life arena are empathy and self-compassion. When we change our inner voice from ‘the critic’ to one of a friend, we shift our energy and create forward movement.
I changed my inner tape to one of encouragement with…who am I to ignore my call to write? If I only touch one person with my book it will be worth it. Normal people like me have stories worth telling.
This new perspective released the hold fear had upon me and I began to write my story. I wasn’t sure how it would turn out but trusted that if I did my part the purpose of my work would be revealed.
Doubts soon re-surfaced, however, and I began to see that this dance between fear and trust is repeated continuously when we are being brave. Moving away from fear is not a one-time activity. We have the opportunity to practice it over and over again.
While in the midst of writing my book one day my fingers raced across the keyboard and the words poured out of me. I paused to review what I had just written and was surprised to see ‘three beliefs for faith-based living’. I was so intent on letting the words flow out of me that I hadn’t consciously constructed these beliefs. They were a culmination of many thoughts within me, yet I also felt that they had come through me from a source bigger than myself. My heart resonated with these beliefs, but doubt and fear once again appeared in my mind.
The inner critic questioned the 3 beliefs with thoughts of…what will people think? I’m not an expert. Who am I to write this? It’s too simple. People will laugh…or ridicule…or judge me. Don’t be a fool and let people know what you believe.
As these thoughts swirled within me I could feel the enthusiasm for writing my story starting to shrink. The urge to play it safe returned, and I was tempted to revise the beliefs or even to take them out of the book entirely. It felt vulnerable to include them and I was frightened to voice my perspectives so boldly and risk being judged.
Feeling stuck in uncertainty, I once again knew that the way to move from self-limiting fear into action was through trust and faith. The dance move needed to replace my self-defeating thinking was self-compassion.
I began with…you can do this. You don’t have to be an expert to others; you are an expert about your own beliefs. And, if you don’t say it…who will?
This new perspective released the logjam of my self-doubt and I resumed writing.
This pattern continued to repeat itself throughout the entire project. I seemed to do a daily dance between doubt and trust and subsequently practiced overcoming limiting thoughts in many small ways. It was the large fears, however, that would stop me in my tracks and freeze my forward momentum.
Such as when I invited feedback on my manuscript from people who knew me, as well as from cold readers (people who had never met me). I bravely reviewed their comments each time in an effort to improve the book. There were times that the critical voices from others resonated with my inner critic and the two seemed to have a field day inside my head.
Such thoughts deteriorated my physical and emotional energy and I would be tempted to give up thinking…this is just too hard.
At times I couldn’t hear my own voice of self-compassion and I needed to hear words of kindness and encouragement from others. I welcomed positive feedback from loved ones, and even more so when the feedback came from strangers whose honest encouragement wasn’t driven by a concern for my feelings.
Statements such as…I can relate to your story. I couldn’t put the book down. I’ve been through similar experiences. I’m thinking about the questions you ask and have been growing because of them.
These affirmations lifted my spirit and helped me to be brave enough to take an honest look at the critical feedback, and use it to revise and improve the work overall.
Today, because I have learned this dance between fear/doubt and trust/faith, I have a finished book and its companion journal. This would not have been possible if it weren’t for the courage to continually practice the dance moves of loving-kindness, compassion, and empathy rather than doubt and fear.
Fear is such an integral part of life that I know I will always be involved in this waltz. With each rendition I recognize feelings of vulnerability more readily, and the subsequent urge to shrink and play it safe, quiet, and small. I hear my inner critic and then consciously choose to counter it with self-compassionate thoughts of encouragement. And if my attempts to talk to myself like a dear friend are not enough to change my energy, then I remember that I can rely on the compassion of others, and on a loving God, to rebalance my perspective.
What arena of your life is beckoning you to be brave and to move beyond your fear?
As you seek to overcome those doubts, try being compassionate with yourself.
Won’t you join me in this dance of being brave?
Carol deLaski is an author, speaker, and professional coach. Her books, Lost and Found: Discovering Strength in Love and Faith and the Lost and Found Companion Journal are available at www.caroldelaski.com. If you would like information on retreats, workshops, or coaching groups based on the book contact Carol via email: [email protected]
The Be Brave Retreat based on Dr. Brené Brown’s Daring Way™ program was recently presented by Wholistic Woman Retreats. If you would like information on bringing this retreat, or others, to your group or area please write to [email protected]
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by Carol deLaski | Mar 18, 2015 | Kelye Rouse-Brown, Self-Care
Red, red wine and feeling fine… but there is more to the story. A recent business trip took me to the beautiful rolling hills of Napa and Sonoma Wine country. The first part of my trip was business related, but once the work was done, my niece and and I were able to visit some of the areas wineries and partake in wine tasting. When tasting wine you learn to “see, swirl, sniff, sip and savor” the wine. What struck me on this visit was how using these techniques can also apply to life.
When enjoying a glass of wine, you start with “see”. You pour the wine into the glass and evaluate the color. There are a lot of grapes out there so you can imagine how many colors you can see with every bottle. People are a lot like grapes, not one grape is exactly the same just like no one person is exactly the same.
Next, you “swirl” your glass. Swirling increases the oxygen which allows the wine to release its bouquet and aromas. The lesson I took from this is that we should swirl and move more to get our oxygen flowing so we can appreciate the beauty and enjoy the smell around us.
Next comes “sniff” or smell. This is one of the most important steps. The first, second and third sniffs smell different. You can get more information sniffing the wine and should take little dog sniffs, not big long sniffs. In life this is helpful too – with more “sniffs” or information you get more clarity and satisfaction out of people and situations.
Now it gets really fun, it’s time to “sip” the wine. Generally we perceive three wine tastes: sweet, bitter and sour. As I sipped, I tried to pay attention to the overall taste as it lingered in my mouth. I have experienced sweet, bitter and sour relationships. Oftentimes in relationships you don’t know what’s going to show up and knowing these differences can help you be more prepared.
It seems we can learn a thing or two from drinking a glass of wine (red wine is my favorite) especially if we slow down enough and appreciate the process.
As I take the time to reflect on my recent trip, I’m realizing I learned a lot from my wine tasting experience. Here are some personal learning lessons I’m taking with me:
- See what is in front of you. Not only did I enjoy the color of the grapes I drank, I also enjoyed seeing my niece and how much she has grown up. Yes, we are both aging, but just like I can enjoy a fully matured wine, I was able to see our aging process as beautiful.
- Swirl for movement. We smiled a little more on this trip as we watched our wine “dance”. Swirling is important! We are meant to move. It invigorates whatever it is we are doing.
- Sniff to breathe in life. Stopping to smell “the roses” along the way is important in life. It helps us fully experience the beauty all around.
- Sip to slow down. In life this translates to lingering more and rushing less. It’s about relaxing and enjoying the moment. I definitely experienced this in California.
- Savor the moment. Spending time with my niece was a truly enjoyable experience. While we didn’t always agree on our favorite wine, we did agree that the moments we spent together were amazing. During the tastings, we learned to trust our own palate. This too can be applied to life. Trust yourself to know what’s best for you – you are the expert of your own life. And in my opinion, if you want to truly savor your experience, add chocolate. It make everything more savory!When I returned from California this time (and I have visit many times), I put the “pairing” of wine and life together for the first time. I thought, if we can pause, see what’s in front of us, swirl enough to enjoy the next step and smell the aroma, life can be so much more.
Today’s author: Kelye Rouse-Brown, CHA, CHT is a business owner, joint venture partner, HR expert, certified coach and training professional. Her 3 components: Educate, Motivate, and Cultivate are what help her clients develop, spark action and grow a successful career/business and life. Kelye can be reached at 301-371-9300 or by visiting her website: krbtrainingsoulutions.com
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by Carol deLaski | Feb 25, 2015 | Guest Blogging, Laura Hall
Wholistic Woman Retreats (WWR) is a community of women who are interested in personal and professional growth. We believe that growth is best fostered in an environment where supporting one another and being committed to the practice of self care are the norms. This is what we stand for, and we attract women who understand this. The women who make up our membership are an amazing group, and we want to introduce them to you. With that goal in mind, today’s blog is based on an interview I had with WWR member, Beth Mende Conny. So let’s go…let’s meet Beth!
Beth became a WWR member in October of 2014. She is a writer and the president of Write Directions. When you think of Beth, think of books! As she told me, “I help people write and build their businesses through books. So many people have a book inside of them and it’s my joy to help them give it shape and substance.”
In talking with her, it was obvious how much pleasure she gets from helping people make their writing and book dreams come true. She offers classes, coaching and inspiration. If you’d like to know more about Beth’s business or have a writing project in mind, I encourage you to visit her website, WriteDirections.com. She offers a free 20-minute consultation.
The first WWR event Beth attended was our 2014 Be Strong retreat at ThorpeWood in Thurmont, MD. The experience was a wonderful one, she said, and led to her decision to become a WWR member. She sees it as a great way to create balance in her life.
When it comes to One Word, Beth enjoys the concept but has found it challenging. She jokes that being a writer makes choosing a single word difficult because she doesn’t want to exclude others, particularly over the course of an entire year. And so she has modified the One Word concept so that she can change her word as her situation and growth requires. When I interviewed her, her word was “Learn.” It is now “Clear.” Beth says “Clear” has several meanings for her: to clear clutter and negative thoughts from her life, to be clear in her intentions and to look at the world more clearly.
As a woman on the grow, Beth is experiencing growth in several areas. She is very excited about the growth she is noticing in her personal life. In Beth’s words, “I’m finding that I’m walking through family situations with greater ease and grace. There is something different in my energy; I feel more engaged.”
When asked about a piece of good advice that she has received along her life journey that she continues to use today, Beth talked about not fighting things but rather being in the moment and being with the experience. For her, it is about leaning in and seeing what happens. She has found that this has led to a gentle stretching of her own boundaries.
So, the next time you see Beth at one of our events, you will know a little more about her. I hope you will feel comfortable introducing yourself to her as I know she’d love to meet you too!
Come meet other women like Beth at our next retreat, Be Brave, being held March 13th and 14th in Frederick Maryland. For details about our next retreat, click here.
Beth was interviewed for this blog by Laura Hall. Laura Hall is an iPEC certified life coach whose business, Hall Coaching, was established in 2009 with the vision of waking women up from the nightmares of “How did I get here?” and, “Is this as good as it gets?”, so that they can begin creating and living the life of their real dreams, hopes and desires. She offers both one on one as well as group coaching services. She can be reached at [email protected] or check out her website at www.hallcoaching.com
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by Carol deLaski | Feb 9, 2015 | Carol deLaski, Personal Development, Professional Development, Success
5 Reasons Why It’s Important
If I were to ask you what your strengths are, what would you say?
Would the question challenge you to speak honestly about your good qualities…make you feel uncomfortable…or both? Or would you wonder, what’s the point, and dismiss the question as irrelevant?
If you find it difficult to ‘toot your own horn’ and say aloud what makes you special… you are not alone. In fact, many of us don’t know what our strengths are in the first place, much less how to talk about them in a confident and non-egotistical manner.
In my work as a personal and professional development coach I hear many responses to this question about strengths awareness. I have identified five reasons as to why it is important that we know our own strengths – those inner qualities that make us unique.
Strengths awareness helps you to:
- Know and accept yourself – Some of us don’t recognize that our unique qualities (even our idiosyncrasies) can be our strengths. We take these characteristics for granted and minimize them with statements such as Oh, that’s just me being me or I’ve always been that way. We often dismiss our strengths and perhaps actively hide them. We may have been told, at some point in our lives, that our way of being is not acceptable or good enough. Perhaps having a natural tendency to be sensitive, social, or competitive has been minimized or criticized by the influential people in our lives…so we have learned to hide these characteristics. When you accept and develop your ‘different-ness’ it can become an asset that moves a specific team or organization towards their goals. Your contribution is unique….and is valuable for exactly that reason. Strengths awareness helps you to recognize and embrace who you are at your core.
- Stay motivated and energized – Have you ever noticed that when you’re doing what you love that time seems to fly by? Hours pass in what feels like minutes because you are pursuing your passion. You’re doing what comes naturally to you and when you’ve completed the task, you realize that even though you may be physically tired you are full of an inner energy, enthusiasm, and sense of accomplishment. The reason for this phenomenon is that by using your strengths you are fed on a deep level. You are in alignment with your purpose when you use your unique gifts and talents. In contrast, when we try to force ourselves to do what does not come naturally we tend to be sluggish. This low energy causes us to procrastinate and delay engaging in those activities. This doesn’t excuse us from doing tasks that aren’t in our strengths spectrum. In those instances, however, we can recognize why we are de-motivated and re-frame the task by using our strengths or partner with someone who has a passion for that task. Strengths help us to create more motivation and energy.
- Release the need to be good at everything – Our educational and employment systems encourage (and sometimes insist) that we are well-rounded and good at many things. The truth is that we can’t be good at everything, but we can excel at certain things. When we focus on what we naturally do well and develop those talents and skills further, we release the pressure to excel in all areas. When we stop comparing ourselves to others and release the need to be like someone else, it frees us to develop our unique abilities. Authors Rath and Conchie, in their book Strengths-based Leadership, state “If you spend your life trying to be good at everything, you will never be great at anything. While our society encourages us to be well-rounded, this approach inadvertently breeds mediocrity.” I believe that when you step into your strengths you step into your greatness.
- Recognize your partners – When you accept that you don’t have to be good at everything and commit to developing your natural abilities, the areas where you don’t excel become apparent. An honest look at strengths means an honest look at the gaps, or weaknesses, as well. Recognizing the gaps in our abilities may be uncomfortable, but it is necessary to develop successful partnerships. Individuals may not be well-rounded but the most successful teams are. Knowing your strengths helps you become clear about the characteristics that are needed to balance you in order to produce the best results at work and at home. For example, technology is a necessity for my business and day-to-day living, but it is not one of my strengths. I rely on others with IT skills and a passion to help people like me in order to use technology effectively. Knowing your strengths helps you to identify your gaps and the complementary partnerships that are necessary for your success.
- Manage your strengths for better results – It is one thing to be able to name our strengths and quite another thing to know how to use them consciously to bring about desirable results. Self-management is about learning how to modulate your strengths so that they are serving you effectively. Like turning the heat up or down on the stove, we can dial our strengths up or back when necessary to get the results we need. Without strengths awareness we may neglect to establish appropriate boundaries leading us into challenging situations where we override others with too much of a good thing. For example, someone with the strength of Responsibility will quite naturally take on tasks to help move a project towards completion. This is a great quality, however, without healthy boundaries this strength can lead to several danger zones. The responsible person may, in time, feel overly burdened leading to burn-out and/or feelings of martyrdom. Additionally, co-dependency can develop as s/he does tasks that someone else needs to be doing for themselves. Each and every strength has a positive and negative side; a way in which it serves us and a way in which it does not serve us. It’s important to know what our strengths look like when they go outside of healthy boundaries and how to restore balance when that happens. As we become more aware of our strengths the ability to effectively manage them increases significantly.
With these 5 reasons in mind I encourage you to know your strengths and use them wisely.
To quote one of my favorite books, ‘You are fearfully and wonderfully made’ ….in other words, you are Awesome! Embrace more fully who you are so that you can become all that you want to be. I wish you well on the journey to being your best!
Today’s author: Carol deLaski, PCC, is an author, speaker, and coach who specializes in strengths development for businesses and individuals. Feel free to email Carol with your comments or questions about strengths development ([email protected]) or attend an upcoming retreat to learn more about the Strengths approach to being your best self. You can hear Carol speak at Be Strong, an evening retreat, Confident Communication, a business luncheon program, and Be Brave a two day retreat. Details at www.caroldelaski.com.
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by Carol deLaski | Feb 6, 2015 | Change, Sandie Lynch
5 Steps to help you find peace, joy and the ability to rejoice in whatever you are going through.
When we feel challenged by a situation, a person, and or a hardship, probably the last thing we think about is rejoicing. But what if we were told that for every difficult situation we moved through we would win money, and that the more difficult the situation the more money we would win; up to a million dollars for each challenge we successfully faced and moved through. How would this change how see challenges? I can imagine that knowing this beforehand may make each new challenge more exciting, and may make it be something we look forward to verses an energy drain.
Now, unless this is a game show, it is unlikely money will be our motivating factor to face our difficulties with excitement, but it is possible to see our biggest challenges as opportunities for positively impacting our lives, and that these challenges could actually lead us to more money, greater happiness, exceptional success, everlasting peace and joy.
Many moons ago, I can remember I was extremely discouraged about a challenging time at work, and a dear friend who was being supportive suggested I consider this – when I find myself stuck or experiencing the same difficulty over and over again or maybe even a “season” of struggle, that it may be that “life” is trying to teach me a lesson. She also suggested that until I learn that lesson, I would continue to experience this difficulty over and over and over, until I finally got it. Therefore, I could continue to repeat the process, stay stuck, and feel frustrated or “look for the lesson” and move on. Ever since this conversation, I have kept this in mind, and looked for the lesson “life”, or as I see it, God was wanting me to learn. As I have practiced being the observer over the past 15 years, it is getting easier to embrace peace and find patience as I “look for the lesson” through difficult and challenging times.
Now I find myself joking with my friends, that it time to look for “learn the lesson” so that I can get the heck out of this mess and move one. The truth is, the biggest lesson I’m learning is, as I “look for the lesson,” I’m having more fun and joy laughing at myself throughout the process. I have to admit, not all situations lend themselves to rejoicing, but when much of it is outside of my control, and I find myself trying to gain control or change something I can’t change, I have to laugh and eventually decide that it is best to sit back, look for the lesson, and enjoy the ride…finally…Rejoice in the process! I have come to a place where I have realized, life is too short to agonize through tough times, and because there will be many, I don’t want to live the majority of my life to feeling drained and stressed.
Here are a few tips and beliefs that have helped me find peace, joy and the ability to rejoice in the process, I pray they help you if you are in difficult place right now.
- Embrace that each difficulty or challenge is allowed into our life for a greater good, something we can’t see but trust that it will show up later, like the money concept above. Trust that “life” or God knows what we need and this difficulty is moving us in the direction we need to go. Often we see this in hindsight, but don’t consider this during the dark or difficult days.
- See discomfort as the alarm that tells us something needs to change or “not so good stuff” will show up later, therefore TURN NOW! Sometimes we can be so hard on ourselves and expect way too much or be on the insanity cycle; expecting different results, but doing the same thing. Feeling pain, fear, anxiety, humiliation, are strong emotions that are signals to take notice that there is a lesson to learn! Instead of running or trying to control the situation, see it instead as the alert to avoid greater harm in the future, and embrace a new way.
- Give Yourself Grace and don’t expect more than you do. When feeling inadequate to handle the situation, that’s when we are being pulled to forces outside ourselves to ask for help from others and our higher power or God. Evidence show, reaching out to others lowers our stress hormone cortisol and increases our oxytocin, our love hormone to help us to feel calmer during hard times. We are designed for relationship and this is where the best outcomes show up. Think about it, when we help others, it feels great. Trust there are people just waiting to help! Reach out and feel the love! The burden is always lighter when shared.
- Trust in the process and believe there are no mistakes! We are exactly where we need to be to learn the next life lesson. If you are like I was…a little stubborn, the process may be slower than desired. But believe me, we are being pulled, guided, and motivated toward our greater good. Learning is like a foundation, it has to be built before the beautiful house we want to live in can be built. By accepting each challenge as an opportunity for positive growth, we expand our wisdom in what we are here for and wisely move toward living our best life by living in our designed purpose.
- Rejoice in the process! Look for the lesson, the connection, and or the open door that leads toward your best…otherwise, what is the alternative? May you live with more peace, joy, and rejoice through each difficulty, anticipating the good around the corner!!
Today’s author: Sandie Lynch MS, RDN, LDN, Registered Dietitian, Personal Trainer, and Wholistic Wellbeing Coach. Owner and CEO of ATP Consultants, LLC. Sharing 5 Key Principles to Attain Top Performance in living your best life at any age!
Check out ATP Fitness to “Kick-Start” your 2015. Learn, practice, and embrace the strategies that will build Wholistic Wellbeing for life!
Contact Sandie at [email protected] to find out more!
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