The other day I heard a country music song on the radio titled “Kill a Word” by Eric Church. In it he talks about all the words he’d like to get rid of in his life. He lists words like “never”, “regret”, “fear” and “hate”. While I don’t resonate with the word “Kill”, I do resonate with the idea of struggling with a word, and for me that word is “Perfection”. Ugh!!!! Just writing the word triggers me. Why is that!?!

If you know me, you know I sometimes teasingly refer to myself as “a recovering perfectionist”. In my younger years, I actually believed perfection was something that was attainable and I would exhaust myself working toward it. I wanted to be the perfect student, the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, the perfect wife, the perfect mother, the perfect employee, the perfect…the list could go on and on. If I didn’t think I could be perfect, I often wouldn’t try.  This was no way to live.

I call myself a “recovering perfectionist” because by the time I was entering my late 30’s/early 40’s it dawned on me that either perfection was a myth or I needed to redefine it, because my definition at that time was definitely not working.  So I started questioning everything that had to do with my definition of perfection.  My daily mantra became “good enough is good enough” and the impact that adopting this had on my life was amazing!  Now, I imagine that some of you are cringing at this mantra because to you it may sound like a slackers way of thinking, but to me, it was a life saver.  It gave me permission to move the bar down to a level that was within my reach, one that I could achieve versus one that just made me feel bad about myself because I wasn’t measuring up.  In the words of one of my favorite authors, Dr. Brené Brown, I was learning how to put down my measuring stick so I could operate from a place that felt right for me.  In a sense, I had to give myself permission to be imperfect.

In my recovery process I became a better friend because I was having people over even when there were dishes in my sink or my toilet hadn’t been cleaned in two weeks.  I became a better mother because I could really listen to my kids when they were struggling instead of blaming myself and thinking I was the source of their struggle.  I became a better wife because I was willing to try things I knew I wasn’t going to be perfect at (think windsurfing and golf here) but that I knew were going to lead to quality time with my husband.  But, most importantly I became a better me because I stopped letting other people tell me what perfect was supposed to look like and started redefining perfect based on what resonated with my soul, and as it turns out, perfect for me is all about connecting with others.

But what I’ve recognized to be true for me over time is that when I forget to remember (yes, I just said forget to remember!) that good enough really can be good enough, my old perfectionist tendencies tend to creep back in, sometimes without me even realizing it at first.  As a matter of fact this happened to me just two weeks ago.  I wonder if you can guess what the triggering event was!?!  I am writing this on December 6th.  What happened about two weeks ago?

Yep, you guessed it…Thanksgiving!

For the past 10 years, Bill and I have hosted Thanksgiving for our families.  This number adds up to 17 people for us.  I love Thanksgiving, but there is something about the expectations I set up for myself and wanting it to be “perfect” that often causes me to relapse and it usually has to do with the condition my house will be in on the day of the wonderful event.

I’d like to ask you to take a moment and watch this short video I found when one of my daughters tagged me on Facebook saying it reminded her of me, because it is an over the top version of what I can look and feel like when perfectionism sets in.

Click here to watch video

Can anyone relate?

I know from talking to other women that I am not alone in this.  The holidays are often a time where we want things to be perfect.  But, what is perfect?  Is it a perfect holiday if my house is spotless, but my family is frazzled and irritated at me because I went into setting the bar too high mode?  This year I so appreciated it when one of my daughters lovingly said to me, “Mom, no one is going to care if our grout is perfectly clean or not.  Thanksgiving is about us being together.  We are not planning on eating off the floor.”  She was so right and that was all I needed to remember to focus on connection.

And the beauty of this time of year is that in a little over 2 weeks I’ll be hosting Christmas Eve festivities at my home.  It’s like I get a do-over!  And, this time, I am committed to remembering to remember that it’s not about perfect by Martha Stewart’s standards but rather it is about the love and belonging that happen when I get together with my family and close friends.  I am still learning how to redefine perfect.

If you too would like to redefine perfect, then I invite you to join me and the other Wholistic Woman Retreats coaches in March at the Wholehearted Living Retreat which is based on the book “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Dr. Brené Brown.  Click here for details and registration information.

Today’s author: Laura Hall, CPC, CDWF: As a certified professional coach since 2009, Laura Hall, Certified Daring Way™ Facilitator has been helping people just like you make changes in. As a mother of 2 girls, Laura has a special interest in coaching parents, so if you still have children living at home, ask Laura about her Wholehearted Parenting programs. Laura can be reached via email at [email protected] or feel free to visit her website HallCoaching.com