by Carol deLaski | Nov 6, 2013 | Business, Carol deLaski, Family
Have you ever noticed that sometimes the words ‘thank you’ just aren’t enough?
At times those two special words fall short of encompassing the depth of the emotions that we feel. They suffice for simple acts of courtesy and thoughtfulness, but seem insufficient when thanking someone for helping you through a life-altering experience. Those people who help us navigate major crossroads in our lives are special indeed. In my opinion, these game-changers deserve a deeper, more meaningful, expression of gratitude, but such feelings are sometimes hard to convey.
Think about it. Is there someone you’ve always wanted to thank for having pointed you in a new direction or provided guidance or support during a time of great change? It may be a teacher, coach, parent, grandparent, or even a boss, which was the case for me.
There was a manager early in my career who had made a lasting impact on my life, yet I didn’t know how to find her to thank her. Our lives had gone in different directions many years ago and we had lost touch. Then, just recently at a work reunion I found myself standing unknowingly beside her. I heard someone say, “Suzanne”, and I turned to glance at the name badge of the woman next to me and looked fully into the face of the woman I had been carrying a burning desire to thank for the last twenty-some years. A moment of simultaneous recognition occurred as she glanced at my name badge and we exclaimed our mutual surprise. I told her that I had longed for this chance to thank her. I wanted her to know that a decision she made, and a choice she gave me, created an opportunity that took my life in a new and wonderful direction. It impacted both my family and me profoundly, and I told her how incredibly grateful I have been over the passing years. The words thank you seemed inadequate to express the deep appreciation I felt towards Suzanne. Interestingly, she was unaware of the impact she had had on my life, which made this encounter all the more meaningful and sweet. We recalled our bonding experience……..
In 1986, we were working together on M Street in Washington, DC for a telecommunications company that had developed the first public email system. At that time, email was largely unheard of and this new technology drew people who were pioneers; innovative and capable of thinking ‘outside of the box’. It was an exciting time to work among so many creative individuals.
I was a 27-year-old young professional commuting to DC daily on the Metro from Rockville, where I lived with my husband at the time. The commute itself was memorable because I went into labor one day while en-route to work when I was pregnant with our first child. It was two weeks prior to my due date and I was in the final stages of wrapping up work projects as I prepared for maternity leave. I realized that my labor had begun on the metro and went immediately to Suzanne after walking to the office. I saw the quizzical expression on her face as I hesitantly told her that I desperately needed to leave, even though I had just arrived at work. Her face changed from curiosity to alarm as the dawning realization registered that she had a woman in labor in her office. Unsure of what to do, she quickly called for help from fellow co-workers (relying especially on the wisdom of those who were mothers) and devised a plan to get me to a nearby hospital.
Once at the hospital, everything went smoothly and our son Patrick was born that evening. It’s safe to say that becoming a mother has been one of the most meaningful experiences of my life. I fell deeply in love with my newborn son and basked in the time I had with him at home in those first weeks of his life. We were challenged by colic,yet even that difficulty didn’t affect a growing conviction in me that I wanted more time at home with him. Near the end of my maternity leave, I visited my office with Patrick, who was practically a celebrity there. Babies at work were always a pleasant distraction, but Suzanne and my co-workers were especially enthralled with Patrick, given the part they had played in his arrival into the world.
During that visit, I found the courage to ask Suzanne the burning question on my heart. I told her how meaningful it was to be at home with my baby, and asked if I could extend my maternity leave by working from home for three more months. At that time, telecommuting was unheard of and my request was completely out of the norm. Suzanne gave me that quizzical expression again, but this time she knew what she wanted to do. She said with conviction, “Carol, I believe that in these times companies need to make concessions for women as they raise their families. I’d like to help make that happen for you.” Her confident answer gave me an initial surge of hope, which then deflated somewhat as she went onto explain that she would have to get approval from upper management. She said if it was up to her, she would do it for me in an instant, but it wasn’t her decision to make. I went home encouraged that I had someone within the company advocating for me,and I prepared to wait and see what would be the result of my asking for what I truly wanted. It was a brave new idea and neither Suzanne nor I knew where it would lead.
Coincidentally enough, Suzanne’s boss at the time, Leslie, was now standing beside us at the reunion. Leslie laughed as we recalled the story and remembered that her initial response to the idea of me working from home was an emphatic ‘no!’ She had reasonable doubts at the time; questioning how they would know the quantity and quality of my work. In the face of her resistance, Suzanne and I came up with measureable work assignments, reporting methods, and a commitment on my part to come into the office once a week. Despite Leslie’s overall reluctance, Suzanne persisted in advocating for my cause, even taking the discussion to happy hour at the local hot spot that Leslie and other managers had frequented at the time. With such focused effort, Suzanne eventually won the approval needed to allow me to work from home for another three months.
The endeavor was so successful that after three months my petition to extend my working from home was easily approved. I continued to work from home for six years while raising both Patrick and our next son, Ben. The independent work experience gave me the confidence to become a telecom contractor for the following nineteen years and set me up for success when I began a second career as an entrepreneurial coach. Working from home, quite simply, changed my life.
The decision Suzanne had made to advocate for me had not only changed my life (and the lives of my children) but it set a precedent that rippled and impacted other lives. My venture into being one of the first telecommuters was so successful that management easily approved telecommuting for other new working mothers in following years.
Our recollections at the reunion were made even sweeter as I shared that Patrick was now 27 years old (interestingly, the same age I was when the original encounter with Suzanne had occurred). Suzanne received this news with genuine happiness and a nod of acknowledgement to the bittersweet passage of time.
Leslie pulled me aside later to thank me for relating the story of how their decisions had impacted my life. She shared that Suzanne hadn’t wanted to come to the reunion, and Leslie had gone to great efforts to get her there. I’m glad she did because my heart is now more peaceful knowing that I have thanked the woman who gave me the opportunity to define my own balance between mothering and working. The door Suzanne opened for me led to a path that brought substantial and overwhelming meaning to my life, and I genuinely thank her from the depths of my heart.
As you consider this story…
Who do you want to thank for giving you an opportunity?
How has your life been changed by someone who supported you?
And what will you do with that information?
I encourage you to look for ways to express your gratitude this month and welcome hearing your stories. Write to me at [email protected].
Today’s author: Carol deLaski is a certified leadership coach, author, and speaker. At her monthly Breakthrough Workshops in November she will teach a 7 level tool to communicate more effectively. For more information and registration details on Communication That Makes a Difference click here
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by Carol deLaski | Oct 2, 2013 | Carol deLaski, Personal Development, Professional Development
As I reflect on the wonderful Heart Centered Leadership retreat hosted by the Wholistic Coaching Coalition last week, I am filled with gratitude. Each time this community comes together there is a buzz of genuine connection that creates an uplifting energy which sustains me long after we part ways. There are hugs, laughter, and sincere interactions of interest and concern. This occurs whether women are meeting for the first time or reconnecting.
What creates the fertile soil for this garden of women-on-the-grow; women who are embracing self-development to improve their professional and personal lives? I believe this environment is grounded in four fundamental coaching principles that seed and nurture the Wholistic Woman Community.
The Community practices non-judgment. In so many areas of our lives women are encouraged to compare themselves to others, whether that “other” is someone in the media, someone in the office, or someone in our families. In this community, however, no one is being compared to anyone else. Acceptance occurs for who you are and where you are in your life, and acknowledgement for being open to lifelong learning.
We also practice respect. We see and appreciate every woman’s unique strengths, and we encourage one another to use these strengths in an ever-more intentional manner. Moreover, we respect the process of growth, and trust that each of us will take away what is most important for ourselves from the new information being offered. We don’t ‘should’ on one another, telling each other what to do or dictating our opinions. We stay focused on our own growth while allowing others to discover their own insights.
Another crucial practice is listening deeply to what is being said as well as to what is left unsaid. Intuitive listening is a skill that the coaches of this community have invested significant energy to master. The more time women spend in this community, the more they develop the skill themselves. In this busy world it is becoming more and more unusual to have occasions of deep connection with ourselves and with others. We are bombarded with an almost continuous stream of information and opportunities to connect via various technologies. The Wholistic Woman events allow for in-person connections where we are able to make eye contact, focus on what is being said, and let go of distractions to allow for more fulfilling interactions. The result is that we feel uplifted rather than depleted.
Each of these coaching practices of non-judgment, respect, and deep listening contribute to create an overall positive environment for self-discovery. Consciously using these practices we develop trust that leads to the final, important, practice: finding and using our voices. This safe space for sharing allows women to get out of our own heads and risk telling others what our challenges are, and what insights are being learned as we approach our own growing edge. This edge is the place where we are mentally, physically, spiritually, or emotionally stretching, experimenting, and discovering new truths or ways of being. The coaches model continual growth and encourage like-minded women to do the same.
After co-hosting five retreats and other assorted events, I can easily say that these are the qualities that make the Wholistic Woman Community uniquely special. I encourage you to find a way to stay connected to this community so that you will reap the benefits throughout the year. Choose a coach to work with, attend a workshop, or become a member and be involved in this dynamic, stretching, garden of blossoming women.
You will also find these coaching qualities practiced monthly at the Breakthrough Workshops. This month’s topic is “Find Out What’s Holding You Back” and will be offered at two times: an evening workshop for men and women on Tuesday, October 15th from 5:30-7:00 PM, and a morning workshop for women on Wednesday, October 16th from 8:00-9:30 AM. I invite you to join me to learn four effective strategies to break free and begin moving forward to reach your goals. Click here for details or to register.
Today’s author: Carol deLaski is a certified leadership coach, author, and speaker. You may contact her at [email protected] or 301-371-7460.
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by Carol deLaski | Sep 4, 2013 | Business, Carol deLaski, Courage, Personal Development, Professional Development
“What’s your word?” I asked the thoughtful-looking woman standing before me. She gazed off into the distance and said quietly, “Acceptance. It’s the lens through which I’m challenging myself with some hard questions. For example, I’ve been dieting for months and have been experiencing success. So now I need to ask myself, ‘When will I stop? When will I accept that I’ve lost enough weight?’ My word is also challenging me to accept my 17- year-old daughter for who she’s becoming, even in little ways, such as accepting what clothes she chooses to wear to school each day.”
Words carry energy. There’s no denying it. I’ve always been fascinated by this fact. Words can motivate and inspire us to greatness, or in one fell swoop they can deflate and discourage us.
Have you noticed what words carry great energy for you?
This year I’ve been using a theme word as a lens through which I view my professional and personal life. My word is Believe. It came to me after following a process outlined in the book, One Word to Change Your Life by Britton, Page, and Gordon. I have now taught and coached this process to many others as well, and I am inspired by the stories I have heard as a result of this work.
The process is about receiving a word that is meant to guide you for an entire year. Instead of going through a mental exercise of picking a good word, the process is about creating a quiet space, both physically and mentally, to open your heart and receive a great word. The process can move swiftly or it can take time. One of my clients waited two full months before her word became clear to her. She patiently tested various words during that time, but none of them felt quite right until one day, two months into the process, a particular word resonated with her heart and she knew she had found it. Discerning the word that is meant for you takes patience, observation, and self-awareness. It means bypassing your thoughts and paying attention to what your heart is guiding you towards.
Examples of words that I’ve seen people embrace this year are: Open, Ask, Courage, Surrender, Positivity, Patience, Discipline, Observe, Plans, Light, Breathe, and Change.
What a variety! The good news is that there is no right or wrong word.
Some people embrace, their word immediately, while others resist it. Certain words have even initially evoked fear. One woman in particular received the word Courage. Her first response was that she didn’t want the word because she didn’t want anything to occur to her that would require courage. She wisely chose to test, or live, with the word for a day to see what she could learn about it. During this trial period she asked her husband if he ever thought she was courageous, and he surprised her with several powerful examples that provided her with a new perspective on herself. She also read the definition of courage in the dictionary and learned that the word originates from coer, which means heart. Lastly, she noticed that a favorite word, and activity of hers, providing encouragement to others, contained courage within it. Armed with this information, she was able to accept what her heart already knew; this was to be her word for the year.
I am now expanding my appreciation of the energy that words hold as I prepare for the Wholistic Woman Heart Centered Leadership Retreat. As I learn about the Seven Principles of Heart Centered Leadership I am drawn to this particular principle: Know the Impact of your Words and Actions. It encourages heart-centered people to speak and act with integrity, and to wisely choose the words we use at work and at home. Leading lives that are guided by our hearts, instead of entirely by our heads, isn’t always easy. To do so we need to learn how to listen, and follow, the inner nudges which move us forward towards our higher purpose. I look forward to learning more about the seven principles of heart-centered leadership at the retreat and applying them to my personal and professional life. I hope you will join me there!
For details about the one day retreat on Friday September 27th, visit: www.wholisticwomanretreats.com
Carol deLaski is a Certified Leadership coach, speaker, and author. She works with individuals and businesses to focus and develop effective leadership skills for greater success. To contact her, email [email protected]
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by Carol deLaski | Aug 5, 2013 | Carol deLaski, Confidence, Courage, Fear, Personal Development, Success
I carefully placed one foot after another on the rungs of a twelve foot ladder while seemingly climbing high into the air. I could sense the ropes-course instructor close behind me as I listened for his directions. I stopped on the sixth rung and twisted my body to the left to allow him to clip a four inch carabineer to the harness strapped around my waist. Hearing the click of the carabineer as it snapped firmly into place, I then grasped with both hands the green plastic sheath that protectively surrounded the heavy gauge steel cable rising from my waist. The instructor double checked my harness, tugging and cinching it tighter, before backing down the ladder. “Are you ready?” he asked, and my reply was yes!
He then took the ladder away leaving me suspended in mid-air by a giant Y- cable that was firmly attached to the trees high above me. It was a strange feeling to just be hanging there, momentarily still, anticipating the rush that was about to come.
The other women on my team that were on the ground started pulling a rope attached to the Y-cable; slowly raising my body even higher into the air. With my face now tilting upwards, I glimpsed the bright blue sky visible beyond the deep forest colors around me. The rope tugging came to a stop as my teammates finished hoisting me into position for this anticipated free-fall drop and swing.
I heard their calls of “You can do this!” and “Go, Carol!” offering me encouragement as the instructor’s voice drifted up, telling me to pull the cord that would release me from this strangely inert position I now found myself in.
I had watched others on my team accomplish this before it was my turn. I knew what was coming and yet I had no idea how this would feel or how I would react. I had witnessed a variety of initial responses as the free fall began, and these ranged from cursing to crying, so I wondered what response the fall would elicit from me. I could feel the butterflies in my stomach as I reached for the short release cable and gave it a tug.
The drop was instantaneous and a loud scream rose out of my lungs and burst into the air as my body fell straight down. The strong cables attached to my harness seamlessly caught me and lifted me forward as the swing took me across an expanse of underbrush to the other side of the gully I was suspended over. I felt adrenaline course through me as the warm wind rushed against my face, hands, and legs. My initial breathtaking scream turned to whoops of joy as I swung back and forth while thoroughly enjoying the security of the cables holding me. I pumped my legs like a school-girl on a swing-set to keep the joyous momentum going. I smiled both inside and out at the pure thrill of the ride as I heard my team shout enthusiastic congratulations of “You did it!” to me.
When my ride came to an end, the instructor placed the ladder beneath me and unclipped me from the cables. I descended to the ground with a deep sense of accomplishment which comes from discovering an inner resolve to overcome fear.
Reflecting on this experience I can easily apply it to other areas of my life.
Where else do I step out in faith and trust, assured that the cables of my life are going to hold me?
Where else do I rely on my team to help me achieve success?
I often speak of a growing edge with my coaching clients. The nature of the edge is different for each of us and unique to our circumstances. It’s where we choose to focus our efforts to create the change we want in our lives. Some of us step outside the edge of our comfort zone when we speak in public, attend an event alone, or begin a new relationship or job. When we face anything that scares us and move from the familiar to the unfamiliar, we stretch ourselves, learn and grow.
I have been using a theme word this year to focus and guide my own growth. This singular word provides a filter through which I gain perspective on my life challenges. My word is believe. I am finding that there are many things that I believe in.
I believed those steel cables would hold me, or I would have never attached myself to them. I believed the instructor and my team would provide the support, both physically and verbally, that I would need to get through the free-fall swing experience. I believed I would enjoy it once I got past my fears. Ultimately, I believed the calculated risk of the experience was well worth the lessons I would learn from stretching out of my comfort zone in this way.
The same is true for many other areas of my life. As I take well thought-out risks to grow, I surround myself with a team that can provide the support I need. And like the cables that were anchored somewhere high above me, I believe that I am linked to a Source of great strength that will catch me when I fall. Whether that fall is a thrill or a terror; I know that I can trust the invisible forces within the universe; the force that I call God, to hold me as I swing through life.
So, what is your growing edge? Where in your life are you stepping out and trying something new? Wherever it is, I encourage you to trust the team that has been positioned around you at this point in time. Believe that you are being held and supported through the free-fall swing of your life.
Two short videos of Coach Carol’s swing and team support afterwards.
Today’s author: Carol deLaski is a certified leadership coach and speaker. She will be leading two workshops on the One Word concept in August and you are warmly invited to attend. The workshop is a mid-year check-in for those who have a theme word, as well as an opportunity for new people to learn how to receive their word. For more information click here.
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by Carol deLaski | Jul 10, 2013 | Carol deLaski, Confidence, Fear, Personal Development, Success
Courage. What does this word mean to you? Does it mean stepping out of your comfort zone and trying something new? Is it what you use when facing an unexpected diagnosis, change in employment, or loss of your home? Different situations require different degrees and forms of courage. The courage that it takes to face physical challenges can be dissimilar to the courage that it takes to confront social or emotional situations. Additionally, situations that may require me to be courageous may be something that you find easy to do. We are all unique, and yet we have a common resource we draw on when facing life’s challenges; and that is courage. This shared ability can also be referred to as pure guts. It is the unique way that we each choose to face fear.
I have seen powerful examples of courage in the past few weeks.
A dear friend of mine recently lost her entire home in the Colorado forest fires. Despite experiencing a devastating loss of property, she has chosen to be grateful for her family’s safety and for the overwhelming support of her community. Courage can be choosing to fill your heart with gratitude instead of bitterness in the midst of great loss.
After an eight year remission, a diagnosis of the return of cancer has sent a family close to me into a fearful tailspin. Worrisome thoughts of what if tempt them towards despair, yet I see them choosing to be mad at cancer instead. That anger can fuel them to fight this disease together. Courage can be choosing to fight the good fight instead of giving up hope.
The recent death of a young mother who passed away while giving birth stunned her family and cast ripples of grief throughout my faith community. Such a devastating loss seemed incomprehensible, and many wondered how her husband, young son, and newborn daughter, as well has the rest of her extended family and friends, would manage without her. I witnessed powerful courage at her funeral as the family leaned on their faith in this desperate time. Courage can be choosing to use a deep source of strength found in spiritual beliefs; allowing us to hang onto the lifeline those beliefs can provide when overwhelming grief threatens to sweep us away.
These examples of great acts of courage inspire and reassure me. None of us knows what life will bring our way, and it’s tempting to worry what will be around the next bend. I find hope in the realization that we have a choice in how we respond to whatever comes our way. Choosing to be courageous may not necessarily be a conscious choice. It may, instead, be a gut response that occurs in the moment. Whether we are aware of it or not, courage gets us through the circumstances that challenge us.
Courage is not just for the tragic or dramatic moments in our lives.
It is a choice that we make every day when we step out of our comfort zone and try something new. Courage is necessary in order to make subtle changes in our thinking and in our behaviors. Change, by its very nature, is uncomfortable. In order to create new situations or behaviors we have to go through the discomfort, and sometimes fear, of change before we can arrive in a new place. Knowing and expecting that the process is going to be uncomfortable helps us to stick with it, and not retreat to familiar habits that we want to let go of. In addition to a time of discomfort, change can also bring a sense of loss. Even when we desire what is new, we can still grieve the passing away of what has been. Changing relationships challenge us to be courageous.
Another subtle need for courage arises when we need to ask for help. We make ourselves vulnerable when we admit we need assistance from others. I experienced this recently as I asked several respected authors and educators to review my manuscript in order to provide testimonials for the book cover. One of them shared with me his hope that my story would inspire him to write about his transformative life moments. I’m glad I found the courage to share the manuscript, which in turn allowed it to become a gift to others.
Where are you choosing courage in your life? Are you using it to step out of your comfort zone and trying something new, or are you relying on it to face dramatically changing circumstances?
It has been said that courage is fear that has said its prayers and decided to go forward anyway.
May you be inspired by the courage you witness and choose today.
Today’s author: Carol deLaski is a personal and professional development coach, speaker and soon to be published author. To contact her: email [email protected]. She is also a founder of the Wholistic Woman Retreats community which offers enriching, supportive and fun opportunities for women on-the-grow. You are warmly invited to step out of your comfort zone with this supportive community at their annual zip line retreat on 7/23. Click here to learn more about Zip, Swing & Soar
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by Carol deLaski | Jun 5, 2013 | Carol deLaski, Confidence, Personal Development, Professional Development, Success
These Boots Are Made for Walking….and that’s just what they’ll do…one of these days these boots are going to walk all over blue.
While strolling through life in my cowgirl boots this past month, many people have considerately asked me about my head and how my recovery from the concussion is going (which I had written about in the recent blog of Trading Ski Boots for Cowgirl Boots). I have been touched by everyone’s concern and wish I could say that I’m fully recovered, just as a toddler will say “all better”, and run back into play after receiving a hug and a kiss. I wish I could do the same. “Not yet, but I’m working on it”, has been my answer.
There are many who struggle with significantly worse injuries and illnesses than mine and my heart goes out to them. It helps me, however, to gain perspective when I see the how others are handling their struggles. It also encourages me to look for the lessons in this experience of healing from a head injury. I notice how my thinking flows up and down, which causes my emotions and energy to do the same.
I have level one thoughts of fear and anxiety. What if I don’t fully recover? What if I never feel completely better? These thoughts swirl on the outskirts of my consciousness like birds circling above my head. I don’t let them land for long; shooing them away because their presence makes me sink into a blue despair.
Instead I move to level two and struggle with thoughts of frustration and impatience; I can’t believe I’m still not 100%. When am I ever going to be over this?! I experience inner conflict when my head and heart want to pursue normal activities and my body is not cooperating. Headaches and fatigue demand that I stop what I want to do, and instead do what I must do to manage my recovery.
Wanting relief from the struggle I seek level three by asking myself what I can do to take responsibility in this situation. Each day I find that I must balance my commitments to others with my commitment to my own self care. Taking more frequent breaks, even for a short time, makes a difference to my overall well being throughout the day. I walk away from the computer so I can rest my eyes by either closing them or by gazing out the window to take in the beauty I see outdoors. Recognizing that my head is heavy, I find a comfortable position to rest it and take the pressure of its 5-6 pounds off of my neck for awhile. These small gifts that I give to myself throughout the day may seem simple, yet they are exactly what I need to do in order to continue caring for my healing head. I feel empowered in a situation that is beyond my control when I take steps to be responsible for my own care. As long as I remember to take compassionate care of myself, I effectively leave my despair and frustration behind.
Heart healings are featured in my upcoming book, Lost and Found…One woman’s story of finding and keeping faith. I find it interesting that I now have the opportunity to learn about head healing. What I have discovered is that healing takes time. It can be slow and requires a great deal of patience. The pace is easier to endure, however, when I look at it as an opportunity to grow, and these thoughts then shift me to a level five energy. With curiosity I ask myself, what can I learn from this today? I often forget to ask this powerful question. When I don’t, I’m much more likely to remain in level two struggling energy, or grab a hold of a level one thought of fear that swirls above me. But when I apply conscious effort to focus on the opportunities that lie within my difficulties, I raise my spirit, enthusiasm, and overall energy. And that lift, in itself, is worth the effort.
My cowgirl boots which I bought during a level 5 retail therapy outing when I could no longer wear my skiing boots after my concussion are a good reminder to walk all over the level one energy of feeling blue.
Today’s author: Carol deLaski Hayes is a Certified Leadership Coach. You can reach Carol at www.ReadyForInsight.com or at 301-371-7460.
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