Have you ever wondered how to be more resilient?

Is resilience something that people are born with or something that develops throughout a lifetime?

Many scientists believe the truth lies someplace in-between. For myself, resilience is something I have had for as long as I can remember, even as a child. I was born into a family that required me to be strong, persevere, and to move forward – if I hadn’t, I would not be where I am today.

When I was 21 years old, my life took an unexpected turn when I lost my beloved brother, John, to suicide. John was the one person I always said I could not live without. The thought of anything happening to him would bring me to tears. He was my best friend. John was the most loving, caring, warm, giving, selfless individual I have known. All he ever wanted was to find and give love – to make everyone else happy. I feel lucky to have had him as a brother, if only for 18 years.

It is hard for me to believe it has been nearly 14 years since I lost John. I thought my life would end with his death, but it didn’t. I am still living and he is still with me and guides me. As I look back over these years I see pain and loss…but I also see healing and hope. I know John is proud of me and although I do not “hear” his voice, I see signs showing me what I am supposed to be doing with my life. Signs that guided me to ultimately use the gifts God gave me as a child to make meaning out of John’s life and to help others.

From the time I was little I loved to write. In fact, I wanted to be a writer or a journalist when I grew up. I majored in Technical Writing as an undergraduate at James Madison University and considered getting my Master’s degree in Journalism. Ironically enough, that path wasn’t meant for me and after many career changes, I found myself as a consultant, specializing in training and development. However, I now see that I was given the gift to write in order to share my story… a story I never thought I would be blessed to share. A story of life, love, loss, and resilience.

After John’s death I looked for resources to help me deal with my grief and found few books that spoke to the sibling perspective of suicide loss. I wanted so desperately to be able to relate to someone, to understand what had happened to John. I knew immediately that I had to write a book to help fill the void and to make meaning out of John’s death. I had the outline for it within a year, but it took me ten years to complete it. I decided to self-publish so I could get my story out there as soon as I was ready. My goal has never been to make money – simply to help others. If even one person is helped by John’s story, then I believe his life was not in vain.

To me, this is resilience. Taking a tragedy, or any less-than-ideal circumstance, and making meaning out of it. Finding a purpose, or embracing a different direction – even when life takes you down a path you do not expect. Fortunately, my resilient nature helped me move forward in the face of adversity, however, there were times when I was faced with hurdles that took me down and challenged me to get back up again.

How can you cultivate your resilience?

•  Be flexible. Life rarely goes as planned. The more you can embrace the twists and turns it throws at you, the more resilient you will become.
•  Be positive. For almost every tragedy in life, there is something to be learned from it. By keeping a positive attitude, you will increase your propensity toward resilience.
•  Be kind and gentle with yourself. It is okay to question your purpose, to doubt yourself, and even to give up for a little while, if that’s what you need to do. In the end, ask yourself this – is something bigger than you calling you to a greater cause? If the answer is yes, you won’t be able to walk away from your desires for long.

There is, and always will be, an irreplaceable emptiness where my brother once was. I think about the life he will not fulfill and selfishly, the life I have that he is no longer a part of. I know many survivors of suicide feel this way. Nevertheless, I am still grateful for the life I have and can live – not only for myself, but also for him. This is what keeps me going – what fuels my resilience.

Today’s author: Magdaline DeSousa is the author of The Forgotten Mourners: Sibling Survivors of Suicide, which is available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, or through Outskirts Press. She lives and works in the DC Metro area. Magdaline can be reached via email at [email protected] or on her Facebook Page: https://home/wholisu6/dev.wholisticwomanretreats.com.facebook.com/theforgottenmourners.

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