by Carol deLaski | May 8, 2014 | Carol deLaski, Family
Have you ever been an Other Mother? You know, that person who gives advice, encouragement, and love to those outside your family whether they want it or not. I know I have.
One of the things I have enjoyed about living in a small town is that there have been other mothers who guided, loved, and sometimes corrected my children as they were growing up. It was comforting to know that when my children were at school, scouting events, soccer games, the pool, or the park without me that there were other women who knew and cared about them enough to parent them. I’m not sure that my children always appreciated that level of interaction but I sure did. The downside for them was that it was difficult to get away with anything. The upside was that a cadre of women was available who could nurture, love and encourage them when I wasn’t present, or when I didn’t have the necessary wisdom or experience that my offspring needed.
Other mothers can bring a fresh perspective to a situation and can offer guidance that may be new, thereby expanding our world and allowing us to grow outside of our own heritage. The support that other mothers (and fathers) offer is a source of strength when we falter or steer off course. They can provide a communal nurturing environment where we have the opportunity to blossom into the individuals we are designed to be.
Other Mothers grow strong communities by:
Encouraging – They see the good in us and aren’t afraid to tell us what they see. When women who are not related to you tell you that you are gifted, you tend to listen and believe them primarily because they aren’t your mother. Who could you speak words of encouragement to today?
Loving unconditionally – They offer grace and love us even when we aren’t at our best. They might not always like what we do, but they believe at our core that we are good. They know we aren’t perfect and will always be a work in progress….yet they love us anyway. Who needs your unconditional love to today?
Modeling – The best way to influence others is by example. Other mothers recognize that they are a role model to more than just their own relatives. We know that a whole host of people are watching and deciding if they want to be like us or not. Are you being the person that you want your children, or the people you influence, to be?
Not fixing it – One of the hardest challenges of relationships is watching someone we care about struggle. Yet in the struggle lies their opportunity for growth. Other mothers know what they can and can’t do. They know they can’t take the painful circumstances away. However, they can be present in times of adversity to love, hug, cry, and maybe even bring a smile or a laugh. Who can you be present with today in the midst of their challenges?
Other mothers are truly special people. You may be someone who is an Other Mother, or perhaps you need an Other Mother. It’s safe to guess that you are both. I know I am.
I hope you will seek out the Other Mothers that you need… and also provide Other Mothering freely in your circles of influence. May you build and be blessed by strong, nurturing communities of love.
Today’s author: Carol deLaski, PCC, is a speaker, author, and coach whose focus on strengths-based leadership develops strong, confident individuals and businesses. You are invited to attend her Discovering Strength workshop on May 21st which is based on her recently released book, Lost and Found: Discovering Strength in Love and Faith. Attendees will identify and develop the source of their inner strength and resilience to better manage challenges at work and in life overall.
Click here for more details.
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by Carol deLaski | Apr 16, 2014 | Carol deLaski
What helps you to get through the daily challenges of life?
Where do you find the inner strength to manage the hurdles that frequently occur?
The wisdom that people share when I speak on this topic never ceases to inspire me. Together we explore and discover ways to navigate both the large and small adversities that quite naturally come with living.
At the recent ‘Be Strong’ Wholistic Woman Retreat, I was reminded once again of the collective wisdom that can be found in a group of individuals. The Retreat was also the soft launch of the first book I authored; Lost and Found: Discovering Strength in Love and Faith. That day, fifty women enjoyed the beautiful surroundings of rustic yet comfortable ThorpeWood in the Catoctin Mountains. The wooden floor and high beamed ceilings of the lodge were made contiguous by tall windows that allowed the light to stream in as well as affording us a view of the surrounding woodlands. It felt as if the trees encircling the lodge were holding this special place and day, in a supportive embrace as the women there relaxed, talked, laughed, and sometimes cried together.
The questions we pondered were how to find inner strength through love and our beliefs. Great discussions occurred in which we identified what we put our faith in and how we learn to accept and love ourselves better.
In the book I tell my story of searching for love outside of myself for many years as I looked to others to fill the longings in my heart. After a surprisingly insightful trip to Europe in 2010, I learned that the most important relationship of all is with my Self. I don’t mean this in a self-centered or narcissistic way, but rather in a self- caring way. To embrace this concept fully I needed to overcome the false belief that caring for me is selfish. I replaced it with a belief that it’s my responsibility to accept, care for, and love who I am. The more I am able to accept all of myself, both my strengths and imperfections, the more I am able to accept others completely for who they are. This perspective helps me acknowledge that we are all on a lifelong journey towards actualizing our full potential.
What keeps us from accepting and loving who we are? In a world that often tells us to be more and do more it can be difficult to relax and trust that we are enough just the way we are. Understanding how to love and care for ourselves is a journey towards wholeness that is personal and moves at an individual pace.
Love becomes a source of strength when we cultivate habits of self-care. There are many opportunities for us to take care of our bodies, hearts, minds, and spirits….and only you know which ones are right for you. In some ways life is like an experiment and as we try out new self-care habits, we must observe the impact they have on us and decide if we want to make any adjustments based on what we observe.
The most important habit I have found and adopted is to ask myself frequently what do I need?
My ability to answer that question at any given moment is determined by how self-aware I am. Am I tuned into my physical being and aware of my need for nourishment, movement, touch, or rest? Am I aware of my mental state and whether I need to increase or reduce my thought processes?
Am I aware of the needs of my heart for loving connections with others; or of my spirit’s need to connect with something bigger than me….the source of creation and unconditional love?
As a self-aware person I feel all my emotions; both positive and negative. I stop avoiding the uncomfortable or challenging feelings and participate in the dance that I do between doubt and fear and trust and faith.
When you feel uncomfortable in which direction do you turn? Do you allow self- critical thoughts and emotions to run rampant and take you down a fretful path? Or do you choose to rely on your belief in something bigger than yourself; perhaps energy that while unseen is still very real to you and a potential source of love and compassion?
Discovering and developing your inner strength through love and faith is a lifelong journey. As a professional coach and author I offer my own story as a springboard for others to explore their stories. Reflection questions are designed to guide the reader to further develop their own inner strength.
I like to think of our lives as a breathing jigsaw puzzle and the pieces are being formed by our individual experiences and choices. On any given day the elements of humor, loving relationships with others, purposeful self- care and a personal connection with the Higher Being of our understanding, develops the beautiful picture that is our lives. I hope you choose wisely today.
Today’s author: Carol deLaski, PCC, is an author, speaker, and coach. Learn more about Carol and how to get a copy of her new book at www.caroldelaski.com
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by Carol deLaski | Feb 26, 2014 | Carol deLaski
Have you ever lost something? Perhaps, like me, you’ve experienced misplacing your keys or cell phone and felt the mild panic that arises as you mentally and physically retrace your steps to try and find them. It is also possible to lose less tangible things like your cool, your confidence, your perspective, or even your purpose or your hope, Sometimes you may not even realize that you’ve lost something important. The awareness can dawn slowly,or at other times in a pivotal moment of insight.
We humans can become physically lost as well. For those of us who are geographically challenged, we can become disoriented, confused, and unsure of how to get where we want to go. Not only can this happen with physical orientation, but we can also get off-track in our careers or our life plan. Questions such as, “How did I get here?” and “Is this all there is?” can arise when we pause to observe where we’ve ended up in our lives.
Collectively, many of us know what it’s like to lose what’s important to us…as well as what it’s like to be lost ourselves. We know what that anxiety (perhaps downright panic) feels like when we realize something important is missing. As a professional coach, I have had the opportunity to witness the discomfort of those who are searching for something, as well as the relief and joy they experience when they get back on track and begin to find what they need. In my work with many clients I have found five steps that move searchers through a Lost and Found Process of self-discovery.
- Realize something is missing – As mentioned previously, whether awareness dawns slowly or in an intense moment of insight, this initial step is when we realize that there is a gap or a hole that needs to be filled. Recognizing and admitting this need sets us up for the second step.
- Be willing to search – Just as we must look for our keys to get where we want to go, so we must also search for the less tangible things that are missing. Our level of discomfort in step one will determine if we search half-heartedly or jump in with both feet to find what is missing.
- Be open to guidance – While it’s crucial to take responsibility for your own search, it’s also important to remember that you can learn from other peoples’ experiences. Being open and letting others know what we are looking for can be a humbling occurrence which may stir up feelings of vulnerability. Yet when we do so, we create opportunities to integrate the wisdom of others in our search and to develop a supportive team.
- Wait for it– For those of us who are doers and enjoy being active,this step may be the most difficult. There are times, however, when we have done all that we can to find what we need and we simply have to wait for it to appear. Be patient and trust that it will come at just the right time. And when what we are seeking emerges, be sure that you don’t overlook the last step.
- Celebrate – When we have found what we are looking for, in this key step we take time to honor our discovery in some fashion. Instinctively, many of us just keep going…..searching for the next thing. But it is important to pause and acknowledge that we now have what we need, that a gap has been filled in our lives, and to let others know about it. We now join the ranks of those who are guides for others who may be searching for the same thing. Rejoice and receive it fully. Then share your unique understanding to offer your inspiration and hope to those who are seeking it.
This is a process for self-discovery…one that will take us from a place of need to a place of fullness. In my book, Lost and Found: Discovering Strength in Love and Faith, I share my story of searching and finding what I needed, while encouraging readers to do the same. To that end, each chapter includes reflection questions for contemplation, journaling, or discussion; providing readers the opportunity to develop their own story as they read mine.
As I celebrate the completion of my book I am practicing step five in two significant ways.
The first is a soft launch of the book at the Wholistic Woman Spring Retreat in Thurmont, MD on March 22nd from 8:00AM– 5:00PM. In this beautiful mountain lodge setting, women will explore their own lost and found stories and share what strengthens them in the face of adversity. Sharing what we have found creates a well of wisdom from which we can all draw strength. Breakout sessions will focus on developing your own definition of self-care and faith. Attendees will clarify what they put their faith in and how to move gracefully in the all too common dance between fear/doubt and trust/faith. This reflective and restorative retreat prepares women to return to their lives ready for give more fully to their families, careers, or whatever they feel passionate about. For more details or to register for this first and very special retreat based on Lost and Found, click here.
The second celebration will be the official launch of Lost and Found: Discovering Strength in Love and Faith on April 4th in Frederick, Md., from 6:00–8:30 PM at Unique Optique, 9 W. Patrick Street. You are warmly invited to attend this book signing event to celebrate with me. For details, click here.
Today’s author: Carol deLaski is an author, speaker, and professional coach who engages individuals and businesses in positive growth. Write to her at [email protected]
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by Carol deLaski | Feb 17, 2014 | Business, Carol deLaski, Professional Development
Are you engaged or disengaged with your work?
If you admit to feeling disengaged, you’re not alone. Studies show that a whopping 71% of the US workforce is not engaged in their work. While it’s good to know that we’re not alone, it makes me wonder how the 29% who feel engaged are accomplishing this. How do they do it?
What would it be like to wake up energized and enthusiastic about going to work every day?
What would it be like to be the CEO – chief engagement officer – of your work and your life? How can we change our energy about the work we do each day?
Here are 5 ways to increase your level of engagement:
Communicate– Unplug and have real face time conversations as much as possible. Create a genuine connection by talking about more than just work. Showing interest in someone as an individual goes a long way towards creating a lasting impression. You will become a communication model and inspire others as you cultivate real connections.
Listen and learn – to your staff, co-workers, and customers. They all have something valuable to say, and when you listen attentively you will learn what is most important to them. The simple act of listening sends a message to them that you are interested in who they are and what they have to say.
Care – Give your full attention to the people you interact with every day. Being thoughtful goes a long way towards creating positive energy. It often sparks mutual caring among teammates and colleagues and builds constructive relationships.
Atmosphere – Create a positive atmosphere. Choose to smile and make eye contact. Energy is contagious. When you opt to be positive it will ripple out to others in your circle of influence.
Praise – Catch people doing things right and tell them how great they are. People strive to do better when their efforts are noticed and appreciated.
Whether you manage a team or work independently, your level of engagement affects not only how you feel but also the bottom line. You will eliminate the cost of lost productivity, absenteeism, and disgruntled behavior by connecting with those around you.
There are two approaches that affirm and increase positive connections for individuals and teams.
1- Focus on what’s right by identifying your own and your co-workers strengths. In a world where we tend to focus on what’s wrong and what needs fixing, it can be refreshingly positive to instead focus on what is working. How do each person’s strengths benefit the team’s efforts and lead to greater success? What would happen if you developed those strengths further and empowered each person to do their best, and to be their best? What would be the impact on the bottom line if each employee was empowered to use their strengths fully?
2- Focus on a theme. Use the One Word approach to expand your awareness and center your attention over an entire year on an attribute that promotes your growth and success. Teams and organizations that are using this approach organize individuals collectively behind a common purpose and hold a vision before them for mutual success.
These two approaches for greater Focus develop the character of those who use them. That character development impacts the actions that they take. Those actions have an influence on their level of engagement and the success of the company…..as well asother activities they give their attention to.
What is one step you’re willing to take today to be more engaging?
Today’s author: Carol deLaski is a certified leadership coach and speaker. She will be leading a Breakthrough Workshop for Women: Stay Focused, Stay Motivated with One Word on February 19th from 9-10:30 am. Click here for more details and to pre-register
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by Carol deLaski | Jan 22, 2014 | Business, Carol deLaski, Success
What can be the impact of using one theme word for an entire year?
Now that I’ve used, One Word to Change Your Life, with clients, family, and friends for most of 2013, I’ve heard a variety of stories that answer just that question.
For those of you unfamiliar with this approach, the purpose of One Word is to create greater focus as we work, make decisions, and live fulfilling lives.
Different from resolutions or goal setting, One Word is simple, easy to remember, and yet powerful when applied regularly. Using a theme word as a lens throughout the year helps you gain new perspectives and empower you to live a more meaningful life based on your values.
A key component to the One Word process is that you receive it rather than choose it. Listening with your heart, and quieting your mind, your word will come to you from the universe, God, or whatever you call the spiritual energy which exists beyond you.
How do you know when you have your word? Trust your inner knowing and be open to confirmation coming from unexpected sources such as a song on the radio, a flyer in the mail, a street sign, or billboard.
One woman received the word Breathe and wrote to me, “I prayed for a sign that I had the right word and a few days later I was listening to a new radio station when I heard a song that I liked. When I checked to see who it was, the band’s name was ‘Need to Breathe’. I said to myself, Wow, and was thankful for the sign.”
Another wrote that she thought her word was Shepherd yet she doubted it. “I was like, ‘really?’ and so I prayed again, “Give me just one more sign so that I know for sure. While waiting at a stop light on my way to an appointment, I noticed that the lamp posts nearby looked like shepherd hooks. Right at that same moment, the radio station that I listen to played a song about Moses and I knew it was my word. What a sense of humor God has!”
Not all words are faith-based. Other words shared with me this year are:
Observe – this woman used it to notice her husband, children, and friends more to see what they needed, how she could help them, and to simply increase her awareness of what was going on around her.
Surrender – this man used his word to recognize when to delegate and share responsibilities with others. The word is helping him release the driving need to do it all himself and provides a new balanced perspective about teamwork.
Discipline – this woman used her word to focus on her health and children as well as her personal and professional life. It was the antidote for the chaotic feelings that busyness often brought to her life.
Important – this word reminded a young woman to regularly ask herself what’s important. “It helps me to make better, solid decisions.” She feels good about the path she is on as a result of often asking herself, “Is this important?”
I’ve seen a great variety of words used such as: Light, Ask, Journey, Plans, Open, Acceptance, Change, and more. The words Courage and Trust are frequent choices. Each word has helped the individual stretch and grow with a special purpose and meaning that none of us could anticipate when we started. That’s been part of the surprise…. and the impact of this tool.
For myself, I am transitioning away from my word for 2013, Believe, and preparing to receive a new word for 2014. I’ve struggled with my word, at times this year, whenever it uncomfortably spotlighted areas of my unbelief. Yet I have grown fond of it nonetheless and feel a bit reticent to release it.
In a conversation at a dinner party recently I realized that the word is a part of me now and will continue to guide me. This surprisingly deep discussion with a new acquaintance was about spirituality. He shared with me that he’s not religious and doesn’t know what he believes spiritually. As I asked him a series of thought-provoking questions he gained the awareness that his belief in something bigger than himself typically occurs in three situations:
- when he’s in nature and witnesses great beauty
- when synchronistic events occur and he knows that it happened for a reason
- and the last one was a bit humorous…when taking a test! Almost without thinking he praised the Lord when he recently received a good grade on a professional competency test. As he told me about it I was reminded of the old adage that there are no atheists in foxholes (or in classrooms). We both laughed as he found these insights into his own beliefs in this brief exchange.
As for me, I’m glad to know that the word Believe is an integral part of me now and will always be a lens through which I experience life and encourage others. I’m especially looking forward to see its ongoing impact as I publish my book Lost and Found in 2014. I’m curious to see the ripples that it will send out into the world and believe that it will be good. With confidence I can now look forward to a new year, a new word, and new growth.
What word are you receiving for 2014?
Today’s author: Carol deLaski is a certified coach and author who will be presenting a workshop “Create Focus and Success with One Word” on January 23rd. If you are curious to learn more about this powerful tool and how to use it with teams, organizations, or individually go to www.caroldelaski.com for details and to pre-register. This workshop is sponsored by Frederick County Society for HR Management and is open to the public.
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by Carol deLaski | Dec 4, 2013 | Carol deLaski, Change, Family, Holidays, Personal Development
What do you anticipate at this time of year? Amid the hustle and bustle of preparing for the holidays, what are the experiences that will make you pause and savor the moments? It’s easy to become so preoccupied with our to-do lists that we overlook or brush past those precious times of connection, laughter, and joy. Don’t miss it!
Perhaps you are like me and find yourself anticipating the look on someone’s face when you give them a gift that you’ve thoughtfully selected for them. For me, it will be giving the ‘Elf on the Shelf’ to my six-year-old granddaughter.
Shopping isn’t one of my favorite things to do, but when it comes to shopping for the children in my life, I must admit that I have trouble restraining myself. It happened recently when I was in a store and saw this whimsical elf on display. It caught my eye and brought a smile to my face, and I knew in an instant that it would have the same effect on my granddaughter. As I write this, I can picture her eager face as she enjoys the challenge of this game, which is to find the hidden elf in her home each day leading up to Christmas.
Looking forward to spending time together fills my heart with anticipation even more than gift giving does. This year, in addition to the Elf on the Shelf, I plan to make a gingerbread house with my granddaughter. I can picture her enthusiastic bright eyes as we put the puzzle pieces of the house together, sticky fingers being licked, gumdrops being carefully placed, and the feeling of her slender arms wrapped around my neck in a hug hold, as we survey the masterpiece we have created together. It doesn’t really matter how the gingerbread house looks. The joy is in those moments of fun, creativity, and connection as a new memory is being made. Who knows…perhaps it will even become a tradition.
The way in which holiday traditions form is an interesting phenomenon. There is comfort found in the routines which link one holiday to another; year in and year out. As a child, I remember wanting to hang a certain mistletoe ornament in the same place every year when we decorated our home. There was something very satisfying about recreating the atmosphere in which our family celebrated together.
As an adult, however, I was caught off guard when my children declared traditions had been started simply because we did something two years in a row. I realized that I needed to be mindful of what activities I repeated, since I never knew which ones they would take to heart and want to repeat annually! My sons had a strong desire to create our family’s unique traditions, many of which continue now that they are young adults. They can easily tell you the kind of tree we get, the cookies we bake, the way we open gifts, and what we eat on Christmas morning. It’s not so much what we do but that we do it together that matters. Our hearts are warmed when we both anticipate and perform our family’s rituals.
There is a flip side, however, to the happiness that traditions can invoke. During difficult years of upheaval and change, traditions may need to be altered. In my lifetime, separation and divorce dictated that we couldn’t continue certain ways of doing things. This occurred when my sons were young teenagers, and I remember how important it was to ask them what traditions they wanted to keep as our family went through this change. It was interesting to learn which ones no longer mattered to them. Having a say in the changes helped my children tremendously in adapting to new situations. My older son, Patrick, could care less about outdoor decorations, but my younger son, Ben, really enjoyed them. So a new tradition was formed that Ben and I became the two family members that decorated the outside of our home each year. Patrick loved a freshly cut tree, but instead of going to the farm and cutting it down ourselves, we adjusted to buying one from the Boy Scouts. Adaptations to our traditions were made, and we even formed new ones as our family evolved as a trio.
Knowing how and when to change traditions is as important as being aware of how and when they form. A dear friend of mine lost her mother to cancer this year. This will be her first Christmas without her mom, who was also her best friend. I admire how she has thoughtfully decided where she wants to be on this holiday, and with whom she wants to spend it. She knows that she will miss her mom no matter where she is, but she feels that being somewhere that her mom loved, and with the people her mom loved, will help her to connect with the spirit of the woman she longs for. Adapting her family traditions this year is what she needs to do to manage her sense of loss and grief.
Changing traditions can cause distress within families, particularly when everyone may not agree about those changes. Ultimately, we must each decide for ourselves what we need to create the comfort and connection that our hearts desire. No one knows better than you what will satisfy you to your core. Even if others don’t agree with your choices, I encourage you to persevere and choose the experiences and moments that will fill and overflow your heart with love.
Because a heart full of love is ultimately what this season of the year is all about. Love came down at Christmas and continues to come to us in many forms. My wish for you is that you will feel the light of love in your life as you capture the special moments this season has to offer.
Today’s author: Carol deLaski is a life leadership coach, author, and speaker. You may contact her at [email protected].
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